Archives Ratings Mrs. Filthy Gooden Worsted

Patricia Arquette couldn't act her way through on open fucking doorway. Jesus Christ, she's been given plenty of chances to show us that she can do something, anything, other than flat line-readings. In 1999, she could have scored with the mind-numbingly boring "Hi-Lo Country," but she didn't even seem convinced herself that two guys would fight over her. Her attempts at being seductive were about as arousing as Bert coming on to Ernie. Then, in "Goodbye, Lover" she wandered about confused as to whether she was in a movie or ordering coffee at Starbuck's. I mean, she was fucking clueless. Finally, in "Stigmata," she alternated between screaming and lame pauses. Not for one minute in any of these did she believe in the character she played, and neither did I. Nice tits don't cut it, Patty.

If they did, Heather Graham wouldn't be getting an honorable mention for her clueless tittering in "Bowfinger" and "Austin Powers." There is one scene in Bowfinger where she chases a car out of a driveway that is proof positive that she not only can't act, but she doesn't even understand how to be funny. Even when given good material. I suspect that she's just plain dumb.

If either of these ladies want to make it in Hollywood, they better start taking their tops off more often.

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