September 18, 2001
Hooking Up, Off the Hook
The housemates return from Morocco with a whole new lease on life. From now on, the kids vow to be true to themselves and to enjoy life's simple pleasures, such as feeding rabid squirrels in Central Park. Mike in particular has been re-energized by his little sojourn abroad. "It's time to take a standThis whole time, I've been sohow do you say it? Lame!" Truer words have rarely been spoken, my dears.
Apparently, "taking a stand" means squirming around on the floor like a puppy with the runs. It also means winning arguments, since Mike is accustomed to winning every argument when he's home in Ohio. Sacre bleu! That certainly doesn't make Ohio look like a hotbed of intellectualism, does it? But I have my doubts, darlings. Midwestern people are stoic enough that they probably just let Mike blather on, preferring to conserve energy for more important things like the chicken dance.
Well, Mike might have a chance to win some arguments pretty quick-like, since a lady-friend from his home state is paying him a visit. Her name is Sarah, and although Mike doesn't call her a panty-dropper, we get the feeling some panties will be dropped before our half hour is up. After all, Sarah is a "friend with benefits;" not only does she put out, but she also offers superb dental coverage!
As soon as Sarah arrives with companion Michelle in tow, Mike begins to sing the praises of Ohio Girls. He Hearts Ohio Girls! Ohio Girls Have More Fun! Mike's a veritable bumper sticker from the Ohio Chamber of Commerce. Is this simple, nostalgic homesickness? Sexual frustration in the big, cold city? Is Mike remembering all those fond evenings making out with Betty Sue amongst the tractors?
Not a tractor in sight, but Mike and Sarah gravitate towards each other like cows to alfalfa. After a little preliminary wining and dining, boy and girl are showing the world how they do it in the great state of Ohio. Does it matter that Kevin and Malik are trying to sleep in the same room? Mais non! Indeed, Kevin just accepts the forced voyeurism as the price one pays for living with Mike. Malik, however, wears headphones, relying on Mr. Marley to drown out the hog calling from across the room.
Of course, hot dish like this gets around the house pretty fast. And it doesn't help that Mike is strutting around, congratulating himself for bedding a rather embarrassed looking girl. Mike tells Lori, and Lori spills the beans to Nicole and Coral. Coral takes a vow of celibacy right then and there.
Rachel's foray into the world of love isn't so lucky, my pets. Last summer, she met the lead singer of one of her favorite bands. They hung out, and then he kissed her in Missouri. In Missouri, no less! Anyway, since then, Gabe has been writing and calling, and Rachel has been soaking it all up. Apparently, Lori and Coral are also soaking it all up, since they regularly listen in on Rachel's phone conversations.
Rachel has a thing for musicians, and she claims that Gabe's kiss was the "highlight of (her) life." When Gabe comes to town, she's clearly hoping to repeat said highlight. Her roomies think she's a groupie waiting to happen. But, alas, Rachel's purity is not in danger. Rachel and Gabe have difficulty finding a time and place to meet, so she sits moping by the phone- this is not a good sign, mes amis! Finally, Rachel does meet up with Gabe, only to learn that he has a girlfriend already.
Rachel trudges home and climbs into bed fully clothed, but otherwise doesn't make much of a fuss. She says that she had a feeling that Gabe was "too good to be true." "Things like this don't happen to me," she claims. Rachel and Lori, aka the Dateless Duo, commiserate about their rotten love lives. Don't worry, Rachel, out of 8 million people in New York, at least half of them are probably self-impressed young men with guitars. You'll find a new love.
Who's Shirtless: After the skin-rageous Morocco episode, it's time to take a little break from all that exposed flesh.
Who Cries: Rachel's been such a Teary Tessie lately, I fully expected a weeping fit from her, but no dice. Unfortunately, the whining hasn't stopped.
Most Annoying: So, mes cheries, what's more annoying? Moping after rejection or gloating after satiety? This time, it's the former, with Rachel as our example. If only her moping weren't so shrill!
Best Quote: One of the benefits of living in a cosmopolitan locale such as New York, is that "you've got your art people doing art," according to Mike.
Next Week: Lori's big break!