Mrs Filthy's "Real World" Review


August 10, 1999

Amaya's Tell-Tale Heart

Colin and Matt have become buddies; together, they mug in front of the cameras like drunken clowns at a wedding. In one such performance, Matt teases Colin about his rather suffocating sleeping arrangements, but Colin refuses to be cowed. "I'm in no way intimidated by Amaya's age," he declares. Of course, darlings, he doesn't mention whether Amaya's overwhelming personality, her neediness, or her bustiness intimidate him.

Actually, I get the feeling that a dust bunny could initimidate Colin. When he and Matt make plans to do guy stuff, Amaya refuses to get the hint. Does anyone request politely that she find something else to do? Does anyone tell her bluntly to shove off? Of course not. And, sweethearts, we reap the benefits. In one of the most bizarre scenes ever to grace this season, Matt and Colin go out to eat and are hungrily watched by Amaya, sitting alone at an adjacent table. "Pretend I'm not even here," our little passionflower suggests. Colin drily replies, "I have been." But, through pure force of will, Amaya ends up at the guy table anyway.

Is Amaya oblivious? Determined? Looney? Or, is she just having trouble coping with her dad's illness? Amaya's father, aka "Doodle", is being tested for colon cancer, and she worries that he might be very sick. Or, maybe she just misunderstood and thought that her Doodle had "Colin cancer." Anyway, she cries a lot.

The evening of a swanky charity ball does not begin well for Hawaii's Most Dysfunctional Couple. During the frantic preparations in the powder room, Colin is impatient with Amaya. Later, when he finds that he has been placed by Amaya at dinner, Colin mutters, "Oh, god." (He did NOT say, "Oh good!" as much as Amaya would like to believe it.) Amaya tries to hide her tears with a fetching feather boa. But, why is she surprised? Any guy who confides his preference for brunettes to a lonely blonde is trying to send a message.

But, Colin can't leave well enough alone. Even as he calls her behavior "overly dramatic", he rewards her hysterics with hugs and kisses. He reassures her with promises that he will never hurt her, but I think we all know that this summer lovin' won't end prettily, my dears.

All of the housemates have their own take on the situation. Matt thinks Amaya needs someone around all the time. Justin thinks Colin is in "way over his head." Kaia is almost bursting with words of empowerment for Amaya. But, Teck sums it up succinctly; "Stop chasing him. You look like an idiot."

Matt and Colin manage to escape Amaya's eagle eyes for some discussion man-to-man. Colin admits that he's reluctant to call off the whole affair, but he definitely yearns for more independence. Matt ,"The Action Man", sees himself as a peacemaker. First, he asks Colin what he likes about Amaya. Then he riles him up by reporting that Amaya regards Colin as the instigator of the relationship. I don't think that NATO will be calling Matt to settle the Balkan crisis anytime soon. Keep your d.j. job, kiddo.

So Colin and the lachrymose lass have A Very Important Talk. Colin "just wants to have fun." Amaya cries. Colin blathers about friendship. Amaya cries. Colin requests oodles of space. Amaya cries. After creating a big, salty lake in the middle of Colin's mattress, Amaya skulks back to her room.

She's so overwrought by this blow that afterwards, she stumbles around in dark glasses as if to say, "Look at how bad I feel!" She gingerly cradles her forehead like a hysterical heroine in a Victorian novel. Eventually, she turns to a surefire source of pity, her parents. In Amaya's mind, her father's cancer risk pales before some vague problem with her heart rhythm.

My little turnips, if you think this relationship is over, you've overestimated the rigidity of Colin's backbone. He writes Amaya a note and says that he wants to try a platonic friendship for a week. Amaya agrees, but evidently, her definition of friendship includes open-mouthed kissing. Really, nothing has changed. Amaya still expects Colin to be her attentive beau, and Colin refers to Amaya as "a monumental mistake", an oncoming train, and "a little lump" in his bed. At night, he marches to his quarters like a condemned man. How very romantic.

Who's Shirtless This Week? At this point in the season, the guys have established a bare-chest hegemony; Colin has six topless scenes, Matt has two, Teck and Justin each have one. Unless the girls make a considerable effort, they will be utterly left in the dust.

Real World Nickname of the Week!: What do you call your father? I 'll bet you wouldn't call him "Doodle", unless you wanted a whuppin'.

Most Annoying Character? When one finds leeches attached to one's skin, it is entirely reasonable to experience a degree of irritation. Just imagine the agony if these same leeches talked baby talk and cried constantly! Leech, thy name is Amaya.

Next Week: The Real Worlders will go on safari... if they can agree upon a destination.

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