July 18, 2000
Valentine's Day in July
And you, my little honeybees, thought you had left all those mushy hearts and flowers behind months ago! We may be in the middle of a thoroughly unromantic July, but in Real World time, it's the most neurosis-laden day of the year. And there's a wide variety of love to be had in the Belfort Mansion, my sweets: from passionate to tentative to unrequited. It's really quite the love buffet, if you're into that kind of thing.
Danny is the second of the cast members to take a job as a bartender during his New Orleans sojourn, and he's not just a bartender, mind you. He's a topless bartender. He's looking forward to making lots of money, and just think of all the money he's saving on shirts! Why, he just laughs at the thought of chapped nipples, injured bellybuttons. Besides the money issue, Hot-to-trot Danny also enjoys the eye candy. He regularly flirts with les garcons, even as he earnestly declares his desire to be faithful to his wee cadet Paul.
One night, the mix of hooch and hardbodies proves too much to bear. Danny brings a whole busload of revelers back to the Belfort estate for a hot tub escapade. Something about the chlorine and bright lights, though, sobers him up in a hurry, and he pushes them all out the door. The suddenly unwanted guests leave surprisingly politely. Soon after, Paul calls Danny to tell him to expect a special delivery. I think we Real World veterans are all savvy enough, mes amis, to figure out that the "surprise" will be a visit from Paul. But, Danny's flabbergasted, and that's what counts, I suppose. His vow of monogamy is officially reinforcedfor the time being.
Kelley and her beau Peter are living in a romantic whirlwind- hanging out by the river, drinking out of brown paper bags. Kelley is still unsure about this whole undertaking, since Peter's girlfriend is still in the picture. She doesn't want to go completely ga-ga, only to be dumped at the first convenient opportunity. Melissa tells Kelley not to worry about screwing up any relationships; her dictum is, "Out of sight, out of mind." And then she asks whether Peter has any cute doctor friends she can sexually harass.
When Peter's girlfriend visits, though, Peter, fairly overflowing with honesty, tells her all about Kelley and that little problem is resolved easy as pumpkin pie. They agree to see other people. Kelley is so happy to be the A-1 Number One Chick, she brings Peter lunch and ogles him in his scrubs. Bonus: his scrubs aren't covered in blood and goo! They share a Valentine's Day dinner date, and he gives her a travel guide to Southeast Asia, a place she would like to visit. As the cameras bid them adieu, Kelley's snuggling with Peter, listening to her favorite song.
If happy love stories aren't your cup of tea, my sweetlings, maybe you'd rather hear about the befuddling case of Julie and Matt. They've both noticed that they don't talk to each other much. Matt is so stressed out about the "weirdness" between them that he resorts to mystical hand gestures to express his feelings. Or, maybe he's just practicing his tai chi. But, it's really no mystery why they can't hold a decent conversation. Julie's constricting Matt's windpipe with all that hugging and leaning. I'm sure I saw his "perfect lips" (that's Julie's opinion, not mine!) turn blue right on my own tv set.
Since oxygen-depleted Matt is unresponsive to Julie's bold advances, Julie is desperate for company. Everyone else just treats her like a sunbonneted spinster, so she must fall back into the bosom of family. Her brother Alan comes to visit, brings her Valentine gifts, encourages her busking (she makes 3 whole dollars!), ridicules her very obvious crush and warns her against damnation. The last brotherly duty was inspired by a visit to a tarot card reader. "You can have your palms read and then all the damnation that comes with it." If Julie does go to hell for consulting a fortune teller, that would be a shame, because the fortune wasn't even that good. Julie is told that she won't be married until she's 30- that's like 80 in Mormon years! Distraught, she contemplates shooting herself, but is distracted by Matt's "beautiful mouth" (again, Julie's quote) instead. I was actually more distraught after seeing all those mouthy close-ups of the albino, darlings.
The rest of the house doesn't know what to make of Julie and Alan, these two heartland sprites. Matt's afraid to enter the room with them, and he flees pretty quickly (another near-suffocation from Julie). Melissa and Danny roll their eyes at the frolicking of the "prairie children." But, Melissa relents and admits that she loves Julie's nerd-ness. It's so exotic!
When the big heart day arrives, there are presents and cards galore. Julie gives her housemates boxes of chocolates with personalized messages. Jamie uses his dot-com millions to buy his housemates "useful" books- quel romantique! David, who would rather strip naked than spend money on a birthday present, explains to Julie that "players" don't give Valentines. "We just exist," he states. Are we supposed to be impressed, or feel pity? Meanwhile, Melissa becomes increasingly bitter about her Valentine-less year. Me, I'm just glad it's July, almost as far from Valentine's Day as one can get.
Did You Know? Quoted in the Times-Picayune, Melissa claims to have "done all things New Orleans now. I'm surprised I haven't left here with a gold tooth. I've never seen so many gold teeth."
Who's Shirtless: There's a whole lot of shirtless going on in this episode. It's de rigeur to be topless in the hot tub (Danny and his pals). And, it certainly doesn't raise any eyebrows at bedtime (Peter), or even when just hanging around the house (Jamie). But at work? Danny is once again on the cutting edge of shirtlessness. Oh, and I almost forgot about the guy who joined Julie and her brother for an impromptu street concert. Now, that's not a chest you often see on MTV!
Most Annoying: It's a difficult week, mes cheres, because no one person dominates this episode. But, I have to pick someone, so I'll pick Matt. He's so dour and self-serious, I can barely stand to look at him and his famous mouth.
Best Quote: "It seems they didn't have television when they were children, which is the reason they get along." Melissa explains to us the bond between Julie and her brother Alan.
Next Week: I am Kelley! Hear me roar!