July 2, 2002
Strike A Pose
Does Kyle want to be a politician, my pets? He certainly has the cast-iron coiffure for it. And, if his political ambitions don't work out, he can always be a weatherman on the local news! What is certain, sweeties, is that Kyle cares a lot about his image, so much so that no one can tell when he's being sincere and when he's being faux. Does he really like hanging out with his little brother? Does he really care about sick kids or his housemates?
Of course, my dears, it could be that Kyle is phony all the time. After all, this is a man who wears hair gel to bed. Keri remarks that "Kyle wants to be a perfect person for everyone." However, she also observes that this aspiration only makes Kyle more ridiculous than the rest of us gleeful sinners. Kyle would, of course, disagree. "I set a very high standard for myself," he declares.
But for a person who sets a high standard, he doesn't act very mature. When Keri requests help with dropping off the group's timesheets, Kyle assumes that it's just her special way of trying to seduce him and refuses. Keri, who has made no promises about the maturity of her own behavior, throws the car keys on the ground and storms out of the room. She does eventually pick the keys up, but not before lobbing a final volley at Kyle. She accuses Kyle of preparing for his "political career" and "playing with your balls like you do all day long."
Interestingly, it's the former accusation that really gets Kyle's goat. "Never touch that topic again!" he bellows, and it's as if someone has just mussed his hair before the big dance. When the dust settles, Kyle approaches Keri to apologize for his immaturity. Keri also apologizes, but the atmosphere is as chilly as a peppermint patty. And not nearly as creamy.
Others have noticed Kyle's fascination with his own image. Tonya rants, "He's so stressed about his image, it makes me puke! Who gives a flying rat's ass about your image? Be who you are!" That's all very fine and dandy for some people, Walla Walla, but maybe Kyle's real self is too icky to contemplate? Heaven knows his phony persona is creepy enough. Perhaps he really should employ artifice whenever possible.
Kyle gets a snout-ful of artifice while working on a leukemia benefit fashion show with housemate Chris. At first, Kyle doesn't want to participate, because he's worried that strutting up and down the runway will make him look gay. Once his ego is stroked masterfully by the female show coordinator, however, Kyle leaps at the chance to be in the limelight, all the while proclaiming his altruism. This is for the balding, bed-ridden kids, he cries. I dedicate my dwarfish stature and adamantine hair to them!
The fashion show seems to be a success, mes pamplemousses, especially if you consider the effort and makeup it must've taken to turn Kyle and Chris into Swiss Misses. Chris is especially thrilled, since he remained sober for the whole thing. And believe me, dearies, that took some doing; that many turtlenecks in one evening would drive anyone to drink! Everyone is pleased with the result, but no one more than Tonya, who is relieved that Chris is done posing in front of the mirror for at least a little while. "He flexes in the mirror more than anyone I've met in my life!" she exclaims.
Usually, the fashion show would be the triumphant end of the episode, with everybody hugging and celebrating this grand achievement. But, instead, we have an ugly coda. Kyle observes Keri socializing with various young men after the show. He clearly disapproves; isn't she supposed to be mooning hopelessly after him? He calls her slutty. She calls him fake. She mentions that his little brother's visit was purely for the benefit of the cameras, and he noisily banishes her from his presence.
He claims that she has insulted his family, but methinks that Mr. Ivy League doth protest too much. It's his own ego that rankles. In any case, Keri runs to the bathroom to cry and fends off Chris' helpful advances. "I'm not talking to him ever again!" she promises. "I don't care if he hates me!" If only she would keep that promise, my darlings.
Who's Topless? Chris takes every opportunity to show off that string-bean physique of his. He's very proud of it, you see.
Who Cries? Kyle makes Keri cry. She should know better by now, dearies.
Most Annoying: For someone who's trying to be Mr. Perfect, Kyle is completely unpleasant to be around.
Best Quote: You know that Theo's come a long way when he can say about the fashion show, "Kyle's never looked so gay to me, but he's doing a good job!"
Next Week: We bid adieu to the Windy City, but not
before some more hot air from the kids!
Want to tell Mrs. Filthy something?