June 25, 2002
Too Much of a Good Thing?
Perhaps Aneesa should impose a moratorium on her calls home. After all, darlings, every time she talks to her mother, she dissolves into a deluge of self-involved tears. "What about me? What about my life and my happiness?" she moans. Meanwhile, Mom grits her teeth. Aneesa tells her roommates that her mom hates the "whole gay thing," but perhaps what Mom really hates is the whole whining thing.
For guidance, Aneesa consults the staid and stable Chris. Apparently, he once went through the same thing with his own mother. She wanted to send him to a priest to "fix" his attraction to men. Nowadays, that might not seem like such a grand idea, but anyway, Chris' mom eventually learned to accept her son. Chris recommends therapy, or mediation by a mutual friend, but Aneesa would rather weep and gaze into her own navel. "Aneesa, what are you scared of?" asks Chris. Having no drama in her life, perhaps?
Well, my friends, there's no danger of that anytime soon. Aneesa is currently seeing a young lady named Danielle. She finds Danielle "funny, sassy" and "sexy," but they seem to have a little communication problem. The problem is that they both like to communicate with shrill screams. Danielle also says things like, "What color are your panties? Show me!" Aneesa is a bit put off by this blunt approach, but is more than willing to snuggle and coo with her bossy buddy.
So, the kissing is nice, but Aneesa doesn't feel suitably appreciated. She wants someone to gaze into her eyes, someone to pick up her dry cleaning. And incredibly, there's someone who's willing to do these things for her. Aneesa describes LaTonia as a "compadre," which means that poor LaTonia is about to get the short shrift. One moment, Aneesa is ready to bid that dastardly Danielle adieu, and the next, she's saying things like, "The bad girls keep me interested." LaTonia, at this point, should run like LaWind.
Aneesa's housemates have their own hypotheses to explain her erratic love life. Keri observes that all these bossy, tempestuous ladies bear a striking resemblance to Aneesa's mom. But Theo thinks that Aneesa is only trying to fill the giant hole left by her absentee father. The hole must be pretty large if it takes two ladies to fill it, my sweets! Kyle asks Aneesa, "Isn't it like you used LaTonia?" And Kyle should know all about using, darlings!
Of course, sooner or later, Danielle and LaTonia must come face to face, and actually, they meet twice. The second time, Aneesa and LaTonia are at a club when Danielle shows her vixenish visage. Danielle is prepared to claim Aneesa as her own property again, "You coming home with me?" she asks imperiously. When Aneesa admits that she's there with LaTonia (who's left in a dusty corner, forlorn), Danielle replies, "She's nice to you? She looks as boring as porridge!" Well, she doesn't actually say "porridge," but let's just say that Danielle isn't very civil.
So, Aneesa solves her bizarre love triangle by ceasing relations with both Danielle and LaTonia. She only has a short time left in Bunim-Murray Land, but even so, she's not sure she can make it without someone to pay exclusive attention to her. "I need!" she cries, "I need!" I think we all need a break from so much need!
Speaking of needy, we all know that Tonya has had difficulties with extensive medical bills, and she's about to go under the knife once again. You could say that Tonya is feeling a bit overwhelmed; "God, could you just give this to someone else, because I'm not strong enough!" she cries. But, she's not too overwhelmed to feel self-righteous. "Most people my age have credit card debt because they shop too much," she sniffs.
Tonya and Aneesa have reached some sort of détente (we must be at the end of the season, darlings!), and it is Aneesa who takes Tonya to the hospital for her operation. Tonya opens up about her fears, and Aneesa tries to reassure her. "They're just going to scrape you out," she purrs. Oh, that should make Tonya feel better.
The surgery seems to go well, but of course, Tonya expects the enormous bills to swoop down upon her at any time, the relentless turkey buzzards of debt. She's already asked for more money from her sugar daddy Darren ("I'm probably his only social interaction," she crows, almost proud to be taking advantage of this isolated computer geek.) She's also applied for patient assistance, but she figures that she's still looking at big fat mountains of debt for the rest of her life. And suddenly, a letter arrives that absolves her of every penny of her hospital bills. Deus ex machina, anyone?
Who's Topless? Tonya celebrates her wellness by parading around in nothing but a towel!
Who Cries? Both of our heroines this evening make free use of the waterworks. Obviously, my pets, in the reality television universe, there's no such thing as drought.
Most Annoying: Despite several pledges to the contrary, Aneesa has yet to show the slightest sign of maturity.
Best Quote: "See? Good things do happen to good people!" exclaims Tonya. Oui, mes amis, this season is almost over.
Next Week: What the world has been waiting for - Kyle
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