Mrs Filthy's "Battle of the Seasons" Review


April 29, 2002

Miz Loves Company

As the episode begins, Mike's bellowing alter ego, the Miz, is still on his umbrella-drink-and-insecurity fueled rampage. There are only two missions left (thank heavens!), and the Back to New Yorkers have not even a scooter or gift certificate to show for it. This, mes amis, makes Mike feel like one of those 90-pound weaklings that he would normally pummel at home. He's so upset that he loses all sense of tact. "I thought you were the weak link," he tells Coral, "but I'm the weak link."

Surprisingly, Coral does not box his ears or rap his knuckles with a ruler. She manages to rein in the Miz's misbehavior without physical violence; "No more Miz before dinner," she commands, and Mike, now subdued, promises to restrain himself. During dinner, however, he glowers menacingly at the Road Rulers, his sworn enemies. They remain unimpressed. "Mike is acting like a complete donkey," Theo remarks. Emily says, "I don't understand the Miz. I don't want to understand the Miz." Amen!

Coral claims to have never seen Mike this angry or scared and gives him another earnest talking-to. "I need my partner," she whispers lovingly in his ear, "I don't need this crap." She tells the camera that she loves, respects and admires her teammate, but we in the audience know that there's something more going on. She's giving Mike a shoulder to cry on right now, but it's apparent that she would probably like to give Mike her other body parts as well. She certainly leans against his Bow-Flexed body at every opportunity.

But, my dears, what about Mike's lady-friend? Tara was "a little freaked out" by Mike's internal smackdown, as anyone with a brain would be. But, once Mike makes his apologies to the rest of the cast ("I guess he takes things kinda hard," comments Timmy in an admirable bit of understatement), no "weirdness" remains between them. Mike still beams that Tara makes him "feel like a better person." Sigh. If this season were only a little longer, we might be blessed with a Tara-Coral catfight.

Instead, we get a lame Newlywed Game rip-off called "Sidekick Showdown." Hosts Eric and Mark ask the guys knuckleheaded questions like, "If your teammate had a website, what would it be called?" and "If your teammate could improve any body part, which would it be?" Sometimes, the point isn't to get the answer correct, but to make your partner feel all warm and fuzzy, such as when Sean claims that Elka is bodily perfection.

All of the guys know how many sexual partners the girls have had ("Virginity has its privileges," smirks Sean), but few of them have an idea about the body image of their partners. Theo, in particular, goofs big time when he answers that Holly needs "bigger chesticles." Doesn't he see that he's disrespecting Holly and her holy marriage? Holly makes sure he understands her pique and storms off the set. "I read something about it on the Internet!" Theo offers weakly in his defense.

When the girls have to answer equally silly questions about their male teammates, they fare little better. We do learn that the gay cast members just love Timmy, even with his toxic flatulence. But the Bunim/Murray women are diplomatic little hussies, and mostly claim that their partners have "changed for the better."

When Mike misses a question, Coral rewards his ignorance with a sound thrashing. Kelley compares them to "an old couple that's been married 80 years and hasn't had sex for 40." But, these lovebirds-in-denial end the game in first place. The world is safe from the Miz for another week. Coral is so relieved that she has some sort of conniption fit, complete with flailing limbs.

Next Week: Don't the producers know that the teasers are the best part of the program? I feel cheated!

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