March 27, 2000
Did you enjoy your week off, my pets? I hope so, because this week, we're right back where we started. Piggy hates Los. Los hates everybody. Everyone else talks about the tiff ad nauseum. At least Piggy has a new theory for the mutual animosity, however. Could it be that Los is intimidated by their essential similarity? Or maybe his prickly behavior is just the result of a passionate, woefully misguided crush? Zut alors! Hoping to heal the rift, Dan tries to have a serious conversation with Los. He makes little headway. Evidently, Los is only interested in two things: staying black and dying. Now there's a man with a lot on his plate! He's so busy being black and dying that he can only expend a minimum amount of his energy on wit. "I'm rubber, you're glue," indeed.
Big surprise- the teams actually have a mission this week. It involves meeting a man named Dr. Bob. Heather is apprehensive and asks squeamishly, "We don't gotta cut nobody open, do we?" Funny, I always imagined that she would be more than happy to more than that, as long as she got 10,000 bucks for it. But, perhaps the apprehension is warranted. If you wanted to explore the mysteries of the human brain, my little ducks, would you consult a psychologist named Dr. Bob? I'll bet you anything his office is in the back of a van! It seems Bunim/Murray is willing to play fast and loose with the mental health, what there is of it, of their wards.
Dr. Bob puts on his most official-looking outfit to meet the teams and assign them their task. The challenge is for each team to endure each other's company for 48 hours straight. Appropriately, they'll be locked in a padded cell. They must also keep a tennis ball moving at all times. In fact, that's their only entertainment. Sure, to us, that sounds like a nightmare. To the generations before television, however, that was a full weekend!
The doors close, and we begin the long, dismal march to complete disintegration. It takes about two seconds for the kids to drop their wafer-thin civilized facades. Los stares menacingly into the camera. Teck screams and bounces off the walls like a frantic housefly. By hour 11, Amaya is spelling "Help!" with the water bottles (her rescue plan if she ever gets stranded on a desert island). Teck is eating gum off the walls. Los does pushups, and Piggy uses her teammates as hurdles. At hour 18, we see Amaya with some sort of alien substance smeared all over her mouth; I suddenly had visions of the Donner party. In the 27th hour, Teck takes Dave hostage and Piggy tries to burn Dan's toes right down to nubbins.
The tennis ball task gets old pretty quick, and both teams try to figure out a way to get the ball to move by itself. Only the Road Rules team comes up with a viable solution. They put the ball in a shopping bag and hang it over the air-conditioner vent, where it swings back and forth. The Real World team, using the old-fashioned ball-moving method, blows their chance at the prize when Kat gives Dave the ball. Kat takes a potty break, and Dave promptly falls asleep, dropping the ball for 20 seconds. Reactions range from death threats (Dave's to the crew) to numb disappointment (Heather) to abject self-blame (Kat). But, I thought the overriding feeling was relief to be out of that darn room.
The Road Rulers still have to stick it out for 14 more hours, and that's just enough time for Piggy and Los to make up, sitcom style. They're that desperate, folks. "Vive la difference!" they shout from the rooftops. The Road Rules victory is somewhat tarnished, however, by the appearance of tanned and relaxed Real Worlders. For a moment, the winners wonder if they've been had again. Could this be another fake mission? All is well only when they get the money in their hot little hands.
Who's Shirtless This Week? Dan and nipple-novice Los both appear in one scene each. There's also a scene with Holly in a bra, for those of you who might be interested. You know who you are.
Who's Hitting Upon Whom? Holly still oohs and aahs over Dan in a big way. Piggy also wishes that Los might want to see her naked. That's what confinement will do to a person, I guess.
Most Annoying Cast Member? Shut Piggy in a room and she whoops, she plays with matches, she flaps her legs about like she's trying to take off. I'm amazed that anyone could withstand that sort of behavior for two days straight, without resorting to violence.
Quote of the Week: "You guys don't sleep underneath my skin!" declares Los. Thank goodness. We would never get any rest with all of that whining.
Next Time: Cast members fall from the sky like rain.
Except, they have parachutes.