Mrs Filthy's Real World Review

March 6, 2000


All of you know by now, my darlings, how much I dislike the whole "Challenge" scenario and how ready I am for the real "Real World" season to begin. And, from the mail I've received, I know many of you share my impatience with these little sporting events. However, I know now that it could be worse! If it weren't for the producers, the cast members would spend their time in ways that were even more sleep-inducing. This week, I didn't think I was going to make it through the half hour, to tell you the truth.

Sacre bleu! Is any one surprised to hear that the Real Worlders are tired of being losers? Heaven forbid that they should change their fortunes by winning a legitimate mission. Instead, Kat and the rest of the team decide to give a fake mission to the Road Rules crew. That way, those know-it-alls in the Road Rules bus will run around South Beach accosting strangers and doing silly things all night while the Real Worlders enjoy some time off. Huh-larious!

Mike has retained contacts among the "Ocean Drive" magazine staff from his Real World days (I can't believe it's still around!), and he uses their services to create some fake stationery. Just imagine, my cupcakes, a little thing like a photocopied letterhead is enough to convince the opposing team! They buy the fake scavenger hunt, hook, line and sucker, I mean sinker. The "mission" includes tasks such as naked jumping jacks (horrors!) and senior citizen pedicures (Egad!), and every team member must be present for the task to count.

And, here lies the rub, for Lonely Los is feeling particularly sensitive all of a sudden, and he has left the bus. One minute, Veronica is proclaiming, "We rock as a team," and the next, she and everyone else are lamenting Los' remarkable lack of manners. And, I'll admit they have a point, gang. Los doesn't seem to have picked up the rudiments of conversation. He can't even manage to tell someone the time of day. Didn't he ever watch television, for heaven's sake?

For a delectable moment, it seems like the Road Rules team is going to forfeit the faux mission. Los isn't there, the mission just seems pretty silly (even by Bunim/Murray standards), everyone's is plum tuckered out. They are so ready just to let the Real Worlders win for a change. But, a funny thing happens. Even though she was pushing for a forfeit moments earlier, Holly's competitive juices get flowing, and she decides that they ought to go for it. It would've been so much better if they had not even deigned to carry out the fake mission. That, my friends, would have been poetic justice. But, we are denied even this satisfaction.

While the Real World kids are dancing and boozing it up, the Road Rules team is plugging away at their "assigned" tasks in a very business-like manner. The nude jumping jacks, the secret mustard, the sign from Ricky Martin's restaurant all fall into place just like that. It's only when they must give some poor person a makeover, that it gets scary. Veronica, who seems to be the self-appointed makeup maven of the group, begins the process, but Los wants to draw red lines all over this face that doesn't belong to him. You'd think he would've stayed out of the way when it comes to makeup application, but he's actually offended when Veronica tells him to back off. Is our little Los a couture enthusiast? I'll bet the girl in the chair must've been pretty worried.

So Los runs off. When Holly or Dan try to mediate the situation, he demands respect. Does he respect anyone else? How very funny you are to ask that, sillies! Unfortunately, when Veronica tries to apologize (in the middle of the makeover session), it comes out more as a rebuke. Los doesn't buy it for a second. By the time they resolve that little issue, I was surprised to see that the girl in the chair hadn't run away. But, she was still there, and the Road Rulers finish up the scavenger hunt with little ado.

They're all worn out from this particularly stressful mission, and the Real Worlders traipse in, fresh as daisies, holding a box. Inside the box are suckers (get it?) and a message telling them that all that arduous effort was for naught. I mean, the Real World cast members offer to buy them drinks, and they did get to keep the box of candy, but still, it had to be a rude awakening. It takes them a while, in their exhausted stupor, to understand they've been had, but I think Teck's hee-hawing like a drunken donkey helped. Befuddled smiles become grimaces and glowers, but actually, the Road Rules cast handles it graciously. Not a single drop of blood is spent. Of course, there is a promise of revenge, so we shall see about that, my dearies.

Who's Shirtless This Week? Two nude strangers, a guy and a girl, are seen from the back. Everyone else takes some time to moisturize their chafed nipples.

Who's Hitting Upon Whom? There's absolutely not one instance of romantic behavior, unless you count Los' torment of Veronica. Could it be that he's never graduated from the 3rd grade method of getting girls' attention?

Most Annoying Cast Member? Was Los raised by wolves? I can't think of another explanation for his astonishingly inept interactions with the other kids.

Quote of the Week: Miss Amaya finds any opportunity she can to feel superior to the Road Rulers, "I have no remorse, and I'll tell you why. They're suckers."

Next Time: Now here's something fun- everyone, except Los, dresses up all skanky-like!

Want to tell Mrs. Filthy something?

This Week, Mrs. Filthy's Reading:

Incredibly Strange Music, Vol. 1 edited by V. Vale and Andrea Juno

R.S.V.P.: Elsa Maxwell's Own Story by Elsa Maxwell (Unfortunately, this dishy memoir is not available from Amazon!)