Mrs. Filthy's Real World Review

March 5, 2002


Aneesa intensely feels the lack of affection in her life. After all, she's a single, girl-loving girl, and the only girl who loves her back is her mother. And that's not the happiest relationship, mes amis. Sure, Aneesa's mom sends her fragrant packages of grooming products, but, believe me, she exacts a high price for those loofahs and lotions. "You're still the way you left?" Aneesa's mom asks disapprovingly.

Aneesa's mom would like nothing more than for her lesbian daughter to settle down with Kyle or one of his clones. Before Aneesa left for Camp Bunim-Murray, her mother sat her down and told her not to curse, not to date girls, not to be anything but a perfect lady. Talk about taking the fun out of everything! Mom is definitely not thinking of our amusement, darlings.

But, thank goodness, Aneesa has other plans. She meets hawk-nosed Veronica in a club and is instantly won over by Veronica's forthright greeting, "You're hot." Flattery will get her everywhere, it turns out. Aneesa is so relieved that someone is attracted to her that she allows this bleached-blonde little lamprey to latch right on to her. In the freight elevator, no less.

Soon, Aneesa is singing Veronica's praises to anyone who will listen. Theo urges Aneesa to bring her new girl-toy over to the Real World residence. Lesbianism may be wrong, but it's so hot! And when Aneesa describes about Veronica's blonde hair and her big bosoms, Theo's imagination runs amok. He's picturing his own private show starring a Barbie doll and Aneesa. And it doesn't even bother him that Aneesa's in the picture!

He's bound to be disappointed, folks. Upon spying Veronica, Theo scoffs, "She looks like a troll, or somethin!" Regardless, Veronica and Aneesa thoroughly enjoy each other's company while listening to a plaintive folksinger. And we all know there's nothing more arousing than hearing protest songs from a Gertrude Stein lookalike! It certainly seems to send Veronica and Aneesa into ecstasies. Well, that, and the incense.

Veronica is not just any happy-go-lucky love interest, however. It turns out that she's in an on-again, off-again relationship with some sort of troublemaker. This particular troublemaker enjoys taunting Aneesa over the phone with all sorts of horrifying images. "I'm in bed with Veronica right now," this scarlet hussy purrs into the phone. Witty Aneesa counters by bellowing about fat cows and stretch marks. And not her own, either!

"Time to get another bitch," Aneesa muses, oh-so-romantically. Lucky for her, there should be oodles of available girls at Chicago's Market Days. Unlucky, but not unexpected, is the fact that Veronica is there as well. I've started to suspect, my little tulips, that Aneesa, Veronica and Veronica's ex-ex are the only three lesbians in all of Chicago! Anyway, Veronica tries to kiss Aneesa, but the only satisfaction Aneesa wants is her hand slapping the Telephone Taunter's wrinkled old mug.

Veronica tries again to win Aneesa back, and when that doesn't work, she decides to bring her ex-ex-girlfriend with her to the Real World house for a face-to-face introduction. That's always a good way to appease someone! Aneesa runs those two tramps out of the house so fast, they barely have time to call each other "ho." It's more like "h!"

And then, much to the delight and fascination of her roommates, Mad Dog Aneesa chases Veronica and Co. clear out to the street. So, this is the lesbian show they've all been waiting for! The roomies even applaud at the end. So, Aneesa is left crying in the bathroom, but mark my words, we haven't seen the last of her ill-fated fling with Veronica.

At least Aneesa still has the kids, dearies. If you remember, all the Real Worlders who failed the lifeguard test will be role models for Chicago's youth. Cara, Theo, Tanya and Aneesa all speak glowingly of "making a difference" in the kids' lives, whether it be for good or ill. Evidently, Theo is in charge of bringing the ideas and know-how, and the other three are in charge of patting themselves on the back.

Anyway, the youngsters come up with a mural plan and present it to Chicago Parks and Recreation bigwigs. The Real Worlders don't really have to do much at all but keep their mouths shut. After all, who's going to turn down polite children and their lofty ideals of love, peace and freedom? The City of Chicago surely won't! My dears, I just don't know how the producers keep finding these cushy positions for the cast members, but I wish they would pass along their job-finding secrets!

Who's Topless? You'd think, what with all the girl-on-girl action, that this would be Aneesa's week to shine. But no, darlings, Cara shows up a couple of times in only her pajama bottoms.

Who Cries? Aneesa cries twice, spurred by the cruelties of the two women in her life, her mother and her lover.

Most Annoying: Instead of ignoring disaster, Aneesa courts it, especially if it gives her an opportunity to yell.

Best Quote: "I'm going to go downstairs and shower. That's how special I feel," says Aneesa. That's right, dearie, treat yourself and the rest of the house!

Next Week: Veronica asks for forgiveness and trouble!


Mrs Filthy's "Battle of the Seasons" Review


March 4, 2002


It' s now Team Real World's turn to feel tres foolish, mes amis. While the Road Rulers cheerfully vote off bottom-feeders Chris and Belou, the Real Worlders are agonizing over their own choice. Coral, of course, is adamant that "dark cloud" Stephen must haunt someone else's horizon, and Sean (who happens to stare like a border collie) agrees that Stephen's "unsportsmanlike conduct" makes him an unbearable teammate.

However, voting Team Seattle off violates the little lovey-dovey arrangement the Real Worlders made at the beginning of the competition. If the inner circle were to follow the usual system, Miami's Mike and Flora would be the goners. And think of all the room at the buffet table that would create! Kelley is the only inner circle member who doesn't want to budge from the original plan; she can't bear to lose her "little powerhouse" Lindsay. But, alas, alack, the two blonde pixies must be torn asunder, according to the will of the majority.

Whatever moral superiority the Real Worlders claimed over Team Road Rules has dissipated. Now it's the Winnebago Tribe who gropes and hoots with the gleeful announcement of the departing team. Belou feels like she's leaving "with dignity." Where she found that dignity, we'll never know, darlings. She certainly didn't have it when she arrived in Cabo! And her partner Chris may not have won the big prize, but he feels like he's $50,000 richer in emotion. He'll go home and perhaps buy an emotion car, or put a down payment down on an emotion house.

The Real World team is much more subdued. When it Mike announces that Lindsay and Stephen will be the departing Real World team, he says, "We all are family, but" To paraphrase Pee Wee Herman, everybody has a big but, and in this case, my dears, it's that weirdo Stephen! As the Road Rules team gloats in the background, those old fogies Norman and Becky berate the Real World inner circle for not following the plan. The whole team unity idea seems about to crumble, but Lindsay steps in as peacemaker and exhorts her colleagues to go for the gold. She stays perky in milk!

Soon enough, the remaining teams must fulfill yet another mission involving those Challenge staples, a body of water and a bungee cord. The aim is to shoot baskets while rocketing towards the water. It doesn't seem to matter whether the team is confident, i.e. Mike and Coral (now that Stephen is no more), terrified (both Becky and Danny bow out) or merely hopeful (Adam and Jisela discuss theology out of pure desperation); just about every team fails the mission.

Only Holly and Theo manage to make a basket and gain 5 points. As the day's victors, they receive a pair of scooters, which Theo immediately destroys out of pure boneheadedness. "I probably shouldn't have won anything with wheels on it," he slurs. Perhaps he'd be better with a scooter if it was rusting up on blocks in his front yard! Or, was pulled by mules!

The inner circles for both Team Real World and Team Road Rules remain the same, and deliberation is minimal. Both teams vote off the bottom-ranking members, eliminating all our scheming fun. Adam and Jisela bid a subdued adieu, while Flora and Mike take the stage to whip their Real World teammates into a frenzy. Mike's glad to be leaving, since he has some golf to play and whales to eat, apparently. So, darlings, both teams seem to be getting along swimmingly right now. More's the pity.

Next Week: There's a bit of inter-team love action. Who? Here's a hint: Coral's not too happy about it!

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This Week, Mrs. Filthy's Reading:

The Fermata by Nicholson Baker