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January 28, 2003 Wrestling With the Consequences Irulan might say she's leaving the show, but we all know better. Exchanging the "Real World" for the lowercase equivalent is a threat that cast members love to throw around every year, but escape doesn't actually happen all that often. Even slap-happy Stephen finished out the Seattle season. However, Irulan admits that she's confused and upset, and she finds it easier to think about leaving than to think about solving her problems. All it takes for Irulan to stay, dearies, is one little chat with Arissa. The discussion does not begin promisingly. "All of us are going to be judged," our little helper intones seriously. Mon dieu, sweeties, I practically heard thunder in the background! Irulan is just about to flee when Arissa reminds her that in comparison to many of the hijinks of the twelfth season, the whole Irulan-Alton thing is pretty minor. That, however, doesn't mean that Irulan is moving on just yet. After Arissa passes along the pernicious Australian threesome rumor, Irulan drags a groggy Alton out of bed and launches into a tirade. Alton doesn't even have time to wipe the sleepy drool from his chin before Furious Fanny begins to flail around like a lopsided windmill. She's not so much interested in the truth as in telling Alton that she thinks he's a liar. Is Alton a liar? According to the footage, Alton did tell Steven that he engaged in a menage a trois, but then again, he also swears on his (dead) brother that he didn't. Of course, when Alton makes his case in front of the entire household, cowardly Steven practically bolts from the room. Alton later claims that he doesn't remember a thing about telling Steven about his sexual exploits, that he must've been joking. Needless to say, mes amis, the exchange does not end happily. Irulan is angry at Alton for lying to her. Alton is angry at Irulan for not believing him. They both feel betrayed. What do you know, it's the perfect time for lots of cursing! "F*** you!" Alton bellows. "You already did, very hard," retorts Flame Kitten. They then proceed to accuse one another of not knowing what love is. Oooh, burn. Irulan, at this point, says that she and Alton are "done done done done done." Heavens, that's a lot of "dones;" do you think she means it? Arissa attempts to persuade the severed couple to reach a détente, and fast. After all, who wants to live within plate-throwing distance of two angry exes? Alton is already more sad than furious. He says that "things would've been totally different," if he had been true to his emotions. "I think Irulan thinks I'm just a savage which sucks," he ruminates. But Irulan has other things on her mind. Her boyfriend Gabe had warned her not to get involved with a housemate, and he turned out to be correct. Asks Irulan,"If I'm not able to have even this much self-control, why would he want to stay with me?" The answer, my pets, is that he doesn't. As soon as Irulan informs him of the messy situation, Gabe gives Irulan the big brush-off. So we find our heroine alone and self-flagellating. Irulan admits that she's made some bad choices, that she's impulsive. And now, she's lost her real boyfriend, along with her pretend one. The episode doesn't end there, though. It turns out that Irulan can't stay angry at Mr. Chiseled Chest for much longer than the time it takes to trash the rec room. To clear the air, Alton and Irulan participate in the Mother of All Battles. They leap off of furniture. They throw home accessories. They get into all sorts of suggestive positions. Irulan at times seems to genuinely want to hurt Alton (watch out for that pool cue!), but Alton seems only to be putting the moves on Irulan. These two would probably keep up their anger and lust-fueled Wrestle-mania all night, if not for Brynn, who admonishes them for the ruckus. Immediately chastened, Irulan and Alton have finally exhausted themselves enough so that they can talk civilly. Irulan says that she erred by allowing a platonic relationship to become a physical one. The pair seem to be reaching closure. And then, Alton hops into Irulan's bed, as if none of this entire episode had even happened. Wait a minute. What exactly does "done done done done done" mean? Who Cries? Irulan only really turns on the waterworks once she realizes that she's going from two guys to zero. Most Annoying: For sheer decibels this week, it's Irulan. Wrestling Tip of the Week: Trying to get a point across, dearies? A sharp, succinct elbow in the eye does the trick most of the time. If that doesn't work, wave a pool cue around menacingly. Best Quote: Alton pleads, "I'm not trying to play this girl. I'm just trying to love. I'm just trying to live." Next Week: Unfortunately, there wasn't a teaser this
week. I can only imagine that means we're in for a big yawner
next week. Want to tell Mrs. Filthy something?
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