Mrs Filthy's "Real World" Review

January 24, 2000

Pow to the People!

While both teams are still in Las Vegas, they pick up their official team uniforms. They also receive a challenge from Roy Jones Jr., a champion light-heavyweight boxer. He leads the kids to believe that he is going to box one of them. It only takes about two seconds before Dave (who's still wearing the damn cowboy hat) is unanimously nominated. I don't know about you, dearies, but if all of my colleagues nominated a large muscular man to punch my coiffured head, I would feel pretty darn unpopular. But, you know what? This is probably the only time in my whole life that I wished I was Roy Jones Jr. Kapow! Pow! Pow!

Dave worries about the structural integrity of his pretty face, but he needn't worry even a smidgen. Mr. Jones Jr. just wants to play with Rock 'Em Sock 'Em Robots with Dave. Talk about disappointment! And, I'm not the only one who regretted the bloodless match; Yes was looking forward to seeing Dave all pulpy and unconscious on the mat. Dave's robot rapidly loses his head, but the teams then receive a clue for their next activity, which turns out to be a demolition derby in Tennessee.

The Filthy Critic loves cars and he loves smashing stuff, so you could imagine how offended he was to learn these whiny little snots were getting a chance of a lifetime. I thought he was going to stage his own demolition derby in the den! I had to move toot sweet to save my thimble collection. In this Nickelodeonesque version of the game, each car has a driver and a passenger; the driver tries to crash and disable other cars, while the passenger tries to douse the other drivers with paint from a giant SuperSoaker. The last car running is the one who wins the 10,000 e-trade bucks for the team.

I'm pleased to report that the competitive animosity is finally heating up between the two teams. Heather, who lost all her money to a deceitful ex, is hell-bent on winning and uses her considerably vocal influence to make sure her team is successful. Dave and Teck agree that she is the boss lady, and Heather would probably pound anyone who disagreed. This results in a lot of yelling and jumping in the Real World bus. According to Holly, the Road Rules team is more "low-key," but I would actually call them "somnolent." But, not entirely comatose; when the kids custom paint their own cars, Road Ruler and Hippie Progeny Yes tags Mike's and Dave's car, just out of spite. Heather, being the alpha female, is incensed at this insult to her wolf-pack and paints over the evidence.

Finally, the cars are on the track, poised for action. Teck can't even wait for the starting flag to start spraying other people with paint. He runs around the track like a crazed, spitting giraffe. My little chickadees, I can only imagine that the sparse Nashville audience was simply aghast to see so much time passing without the music of growling engines and the smell of burning oil. Once the driving begins, however, cars drop as fast as Charo's drawers. Piggy and Los' car is the first to stop running. Amaya and Kat show an unusual amount of ambition in their pursuit of Dan and Holly's car and even push their car over the berm, usually a fatal move in these events. But, Dan and Holly come back and pummel Dave and Mike. It's all very involved, but eventually Amaya and Kat's car is the last functional one on the track.

But, zut alors, all is not right! Amaya is crying! All that exhaust and smoke gets her in a tizzy, and only hunky paramedics can save her. She even gets to wear a gas mask for extra drama. Don't fear, she is soon able to walk under her own power in order to claim the award for the Real World team. Heather is so pleased with the victory that she yells, "Suck it up, ladies!" Isn't that sweet? Then, Teck begins to take off his clothes and pass them around the audience. Sounds like an action-packed entertainment in Nashville, non?

But, there are still challenges to come. The Campaign for Tobacco-Free Kids offers each team 6,000 bucks if they can remain cig-free for the rest of the challenge. Almost everyone blithely agrees to go for it, except Piggy, who is evidently a big, sooty chimney. She gets so worked up that she has to curse at people and leave the room. But, she finally promises to "think about it." And, I'm sure she was thinking about it, all right, when she starts huffing and puffing just a matter of hours later. Heather, who is "tired of being nice," follows her and films her in the act, even following her into the bathroom! She exults loudly in "shutting that team down."

Who's Shirtless This Week? Dave and Teck seem to be carrying the shirtless torch during this escapade, with two scenes apiece.

Quote of the Week: "Where's Tennessee?" asks a befuddled Veronica. It's like a country or city or something, right?


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