Whether it's by pointing out someone's physical defect right to their face or by willfully committing some social disgrace, there are countless ways to insult somebody. Our panel of highly respected writers, psychologists, social critics, and zeitgeist chasers have listed the best ways to display your disgust for fellow human beings. (We hope you won't take this the wrong way, but your mother was not on our panel.)

25. "You vacuous, toffee-nosed, malodorous pervert!" (12)
24. "Asshole!" (14)
23. "The three words that describe you are as follows, and I quote: 'Stink, Stank, Stunk!'" (14)
22. "Not much!"-as a response to "What are you looking at?" (15)
21. "Whatever!" (15)
20. "You're a triple-decker sauerkraut and toadstool sandwich, with arsenic sauce!" (16)
19. "There are two kinds of people in the world: cool people and you." (19)
18. Inviting a friend over and then ignoring him in favor of Golden Girls reruns. (20)
17. "Up your butt with a coconut." (20)
16. "You're fired." (20)
15. "Hey, is that your face, or did your hat melt?" (22)
14. "Hey, is that your face, or did your neck throw up?" (23)
13. "Hey, is that your face, or did your pants fall down?" (24)
12. "Twice as far with a candy bar." (25)
11. Wiping your snotty nose on somebody's shirt. (25)
10. "We know what you are: now we're just haggling over the price." (26)
9. "Your mama!" (27)
8. "I piss on you and your country." (29)
7. "Hey, oily! Damn, you're oily!" (30)
6. "That idea and a nickel won't buy jack shit." (30)
5. "You're a fuckwad."-to someone who really is a fuckwad, and knows he is, but hopes others don't know. (30)
4. Inducting an author into Oprah's TV Book Club. (35)
3. Giving somebody deodorant for his or her birthday. (40)
2. "I've packed my stuff, I grabbed my gear. You're the only bag I'm leaving here." -by the Superchargers (40)
1. Serving jug wine at a fancy dinner. (60)

Nothing you can say will offend others like serving the wrong wine. People dress up. They come to enjoy fine food and fine company. When you pull out the box-wine, white or red, you are going to get some pretty uppity double takes. Now's your chance to make sure that the insult is seen as an intentional cut, not just a result of your own social clumsiness. Simply say, "Bottom's up, you bunch of swine! Damn, you're oily!" Then storm off the premises. It's acceptable to key a BMW on your way, too.

Other curses, so you will never be foiled again: "Fuck you," "Then how come you got them Payless shoes on?", "I have it on tape, fucker!", "Knob," "Your heart is full of unwashed socks," "Your mother was a hamster and your father smelled of elderberries," Peeing in somebody's open convertible, Stealing somebody's wallet, Buying the latest Staind album at the local indie record store, Offering somebody extra helpings of dessert-then commenting cattily on his or her weight, Wearing an "I'm with Stupid" T-shirt.

Back to the Best Lists of the Millennium


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©2001 by Randy Shandis Enterprises. Questions or Comments?