by Phil

Not all bodily fluids are equally appetizing.

There was a successful band in the sixties and/or seventies called Blood, Sweat, and Tears. I hypothesize that it would not have been nearly as popular if it had been called Lymph, Bile, and Chyme.

A woman I work with grows hot chili peppers in her garden, among other things. She often brings them in for other people to take home. They often do, and bring back salsa that they've made. And we then have chips and salsa to snack on while we work.

Among the peppers that she grows are Red Habanero peppers - the hottest pepper known to man or beast. Someone made some salsa from these Habs, and hilarity ensued. As a way of warning off those who would not be able to handle it, a sign was made bestowing the name "Sangre del Diablo" to this salsa. It means "blood of the devil" and seemed quite apt: an incredibly hot red salsa. The name had a certain sense of adventure. It was dashing and heroic.

There are also Green Habaneros, which can be as hot as the red ones. Someone made a Salsa Verde (green sauce, for the Spanish-impaired) with these. I, in keeping with the established pattern, dubbed it "Moco del Diablo" (Mucus of the Devil). We have a cheap little Spanish-English dictionary at work. I first looked up the word "snot" which wasn't there. "Mucus" seemed just as good. However, many people complained about my choice of name. They said it was "sick" and "gross."

I relented. However, in my devious and subversive way, I gave the salsa a new name that would subtly satirize my coworkers' squeamishness. I renamed it "Sustancia Verde del Diablo" or "Green Substance of the Devil."

What is the point of this story? Well, it's mostly to fill up space and waste your time, but it also illustrates my point that not all bodily fluids are equally appetizing. Why is it that mucus is gross, but blood is cool? Isn't blood just as gross when you really think about it? The AIDS virus can be transmitted through blood, but not through snot. In some ways, blood may be more gross than snot. After all, snot has a particular region where it is formed and a pair of matching orifices whence it may emerge. Blood, on the other hand, is found everywhere in the body and isn't supposed to leave it, ever, not by any orifice. If blood leaves the body, either something is very wrong, or there had better be some free orange juice involved. If blood leaves the body through an orifice, something is wrong that no amount of free orange juice can remedy it.

Above I mentioned the AIDS virus. I could have said "HIV virus" but that would have been redundant, and I hate that. It irritates me to no end when people say "ATM machine" or "PIN number" or "LEFT turn." Whoops! I interrupted myself again.

But enough about blood and snot. What about the rest of the bodily fluids? Sweat was deemed cool enough to be in a band name, and yet, as we learn from. Sure commercials, sweat is very very bad. Here then, for your edification, is a handy reference chart of bodily fluids and why each of them is gross and appetizing. you will probably want to cut it out and carry it with you for quick reference.

 Bodily Fluid

 Why It's Gross

 Why It's Appetizing

Blood HIV, you have to wound someone to get it, turns brown Flows through the veins of most celebrities, tastes good
Sweat Smells bad, stains clothing Implies you've been working
Tears Accompanied by crying sound, triggered by pain, becomes sticky and crusty if allowed to dry Could be triggered by someone else's pain, get ratings
Snot/mucus Varying weird colors, accompanied by colds, thick and syrupy There's a whole industry devoted to helping people deal with it, makes nose picking fun
 Lymph  I don't know, and people fear the unknown You almost never have to see it or think about it
 Chyme Smells bad, everyone gets to know what you ate Nothing more than food and acid, interesting texture
 Bile See lymph Comes in black or yellow
 Ear wax Tastes awful You can sculpt it
 Vitreous humor Slimy and squishy Your eyeballs would deflate like popped balloons without it

There are a few others of course, which I will leave for you to explore on your own. I suppose some of you were waiting for your favorites which weren't on the list. To you I say, "Hey!" I hope I've successfully called to your attention the fact that there are positive and negative aspects to all bodily fluids. You can figure the rest out yourself. Just remember to give all of our bodily fluids the appreciation they deserve.

Next Time: The Laws of Fizzix

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