In my House of Scary Horror, I have chosen to use the typical American house and its typical belongings to illustrate the depth and artistry of my skills in raising hair and tingling spines. What you will see before you are things you might find in just about any old house. The difference here is this: I will tell you stories so horrifying about each object that you will never be able to look at another like it so long as you live! That's my promise to you. So, dig in.
Oh, and by the way, I'm available for children's birthdays, library functions and the such. My rates are pretty reasonable, so if you want to hire me, let me know.
Story #1: The Haunted Tomato
Once there was this tomato, and it was so ripe and juicy. It was red like the color of blood, but nobody thought that maybe that was because it was haunted. No, they thought it was just red like all the other tomatoes. This was a mistake for which they would pay. People came from miles around to see the big juicy tomato. They came from Des Moines and Ames, and all the way from the Dakotas, even. Everyone agreed they sure would like a bite of that tomato - the blood red one.
One day, old Farmer Jack was working in the garden when the 90 degree weather and his desire for the juicy tomato got the better of him. He picked the beauty off its stem and popped it in his mouth. Oh, it tasted as good as it looked. The cool, watery juices trickled down his neck and onto his shirt collar with each bite. Garunch! He bit into its crisp, juicy body. Garunch, another tasty bite. Now, if tomatoes were to go around having feelings and stuff, this tomato would probably be furious about having been eaten. It might be so furious that it would fight back, and maybe get in the guy's throat and choke him or something. Or maybe it would eat him right back. Then old Farmer Jack would be sorry. Farmer Jack would be laying in a big pool of tomato colored blood, feeling pretty sorry for himself.
Story #2: The Haunted Stained Glass
In the haunted old lady's house on the corner of the spooky streets in Aldrich, Iowa, there lived an old lady that some say was a ghost! This old lady/ghost would walk about and her old house would creak and moan like you wouldn't believe. All the children were afraid to go to her house except for young Susie Warren. She said there was no such thing as ghosts and haunted houses and old ladies. So, the other kids dared her to go up to the haunted house and knock on the door. Oh, yeah, I should tell you, there was this stained glass window above the door that had no red in it. It was just green and blue with a bunch of white. Anyway, that girl Susie walks up to the house and she knocks on the door all cool-like. Really she's scared because what if there is really ghosts and the old lady wants to kill her? Suddenly, the door swings open and the old lady invites the little girl inside. It wasn't too much longer after that day when there was, all of the sudden, red in the big stained glass window.
Was it the girl's blood?
Or did the old lady just give the girl a couple of bucks to paint in some red parts?
Nobody knows for sure. All we know is that later the girl was back on the streets playing with her friends. This is a partially true story!
Story #3: The Haunted Teddy Bear!
There once was a young boy named Michael and he had a toy teddy bear. Wherever Michael went, the teddy bear went also. The teddy bear was not the one that you see in the picture, but this was the best looking teddy bear I could find around my haunted mansion. Most of the teddy bears have their limbs ripped off or their eyes yanked out and all yucky.
When my daughter, Mary Ann, was younger, she used to love her teddy bears. She had a collection of them that she kept with herself in her room, which I have turned into a torture chamber since she left for Iowa State University. She's doing well there. She is getting mostly A's and B's in their communications program. She would like to someday be a news reporter. She is also in Alpha Kappa Theta, which is apparently the best sorority at Iowa State. But, I should get back to the other story.
Mary Ann used to love to have these tea parties with her teddy bears and sometimes she would invite me. This was before I embraced the dark side, of course.
Michael loved his teddy bear. He would hug it and dress it and treat it as his very best friend. Even though it did not speak or move by itself or anything.
One day, Michael's parents woke up and found Michael slaughtered into a bloody mess. Next to him on the bed was the teddy bear with a wicked grin on its blood-stained mouth. If you know anyone that wants to offer my daughter an internship over the summer, let me know.
Story #4: The Haunted Toilet
Have you ever had that feeling while you are sitting on the toilet that there just might be something in there that will suck all your innards out of you through your butt?
Well, there is, if you're relieving yourself on the haunted toilet!
Whenever someone sits on the haunted toilet, it sucks all the blood out of their body and down into the septic tank. This haunted toilet leaves its victims as dry as the Sahara, and their brittle bodies crumple into a pile on the seat.
The scariest part is that the haunted toilet is at the Sizzler near my house. All these poor unsuspecting people eat a little too much of the all-you-can-eat shrimp, and the next thing you know, they are running for the John and their own agonizing and sucking death.
This one is true. I swear to God. Go to the Sizzler. You'll see.
Story #5: The Haunted Girlfriend
This is another one of my true stories. My old friend Robert had this girlfriend and she was pretty nice. Or so we thought. Robert and me and her would go bowling or to the movies and we would get pizza and watch Monday Night Football.
Well, one day Robert tells me that he is breaking up with the girl and I said why? He said it was not my place to ask, just to accept that these things happen sometimes. He said people grow apart and a bunch of other stuff. Then the girl died in a farming accident like three days later.
One week later, Robert came over to my house to help me drop a new transmission in my Chevy pickup and while we are standing there, he says he swears he's seen a ghost. I am teasing him and saying that I make up stories about ghosts, but there is not really any such thing. So, we go back to work and then I feel this chill on my spine. I turn around and there she is! It was his ex-girlfriend and she was floating above the ground in a blood-stained wedding dress. She was crying and calling Robert's name in this slow, mournful voice like a choir of fallen angels had scrpaed their knees.
I was so scared I dropped my screwdriver. Robert was shaking from the knees up. There was sweat dripping off of him.
The girl started floating toward him, getting closer and closer. Her bloody hand was outstretched. Robert rubbed his eyes and when he opened them the ghost girlfriend was still there. She was still there and she was only inches away, moaning and crying. Robert tried to run but he tripped over my tool chest. The girlfriend towered above him.
"What do you want?" Robert screamed.
"Your soul," she wailed.
"No, I need it still."
The girlfriend reached over and with her bloody hands dug into Robert's chest. Robert flipped like a beached fish as her arms burrowed in, cracking his ribs away. As she tore my pal's still beating heart from his body, she stopped crying and a small smile played on her lips.
And then she disappeared as silently as she came, leaving Robert broken and dead on my floor.
If you don't believe me, you can ask my friend Terry who works for the Aldrich Police Department and he will confirm the story.