- As he does every week, Mayoral Candidate Al "Foz" Fozano leveled absurd charges at his opponent this week. The surprise was that Shandis did not deny them. In fact, Shandis admitted that he was behind the near doubling of gas prices over the last two months.

"An unfortunate error in judgment," admitted Shandis to a pack of reporters following his campaign bus, the Straight Sex Express. "I didn't realize that gasoline was such a hot button issue with the people. Why, when I raised the cost of drying your clothes in a laundromat from a quarter to fifty cents, nobody made a peep. But gas is another issue, I guess."

Shandis continued by feeding the reporters a pearl or wisdom, "You live and you learn."

Aides to Shandis also were surprised that their candidate's fuel price manipulations were such a big deal. Said top aide Cherry Fantasia, "When Jimmy Carter raised fuel prices in the late 70s to pay for hookers and cocaine, the public rolled with it. We're surprised that Mr. Shandis's similar increases now would be newsworthy."

Further, Shandis's camp pointed out Fozano's recent manipulations of the share price for Palm Computing. "Shares of Palm are just as necessary a commodity for the average American as gasoline," said Shandis, "and Fozano's manipulations have made them prohibitively expensive for the average person."

"Besides," added Shandis, as he often does, "my raising fuel prices hurts me the most, since I own fourteen Ford Excursions and I often put them on blocks and run the engines for hours, just because I can. I believe most large SUV owners do similar things."

Shandis stopped short of promising to lower gas prices any time soon, but did say, "Once I get this credit card debt paid off, I'll see what I can do."

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