- Al "The Foz" Fozano was badly bruised and woozy after being rescued by a principal and yard lady this week. Fozano was campaigning at Sunnybrooke Elementary in upstate New York when, according to 47 eyewitnesses, he slapped two small girls that he felt were standing too close to his Ford Maverick.

Fozano remembers the incident differently than the two girls and the eyewitnesses. He claims the two girls threatened him with guns and demanded ten million dollars. When he refused, they jumped him with the help of several large, muscular and attractive men, who jumped out of the bushes, wailed on Fozano, and then disappeared.

Police are investigating, and treating Fozano's story like "hogwash." Fozano's attorneys have filed a suit against the school, the children and their parents, claiming that children this dangerous should be registered as lethal weapons. "You know, like Ralph Malph's hands," said Fozano.

The two girls say they didn't mean to hurt Mr. Fozano, but that the man crumpled into the ball after the first slap. His nose started bleeding after two slaps. "After that, it was just really fun to kick and slap him," said Tiffany Williams, age six.

"Yeah, he just flopped around like a beached carp," added Melody Carnegie, also six.

In light of the incident, Fozano is promising tougher anti-slapping and anti-beating-up-pussies laws as part of his campaign platform.

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