Artist's Rendering of Fozano's Campaign. - During a stop to attract women voters to his campaign and "to my wiener" yesterday at the popular women's issue site, Mayoral Candidate Randy Shandis demanded his main opponent Al "The Foz" Fozano stop the negative campaigning "or else."

"The people of the world aren't interested in bad things I may, or may not, have done." Shandis stated in response to a journalist's question regarding allegations that Shandis causes cancer and has frequently shut down the Internet's most popular sites. "I challenge Fozano to keep this campaign clean. I challenge the drunken wife-beater to run a positive, polite campaign, just like me."

When prompted again as to the validity of Fozano's claims, Shandis became irate. "Aren't you listening? I said it doesn't matter whether or not I cause cancer and 'hack' popular web sites. Nobody cares. This campaign is about me, the good stuff about me. We are not talking about the bad stuff. That's to be discussed after I am elected."

Shandis continued, "From this day forward, I pledge to run a positive, Pro-Shandis campaign and I challenge my opponent Fozano to run a positive, Pro-Shandis campaign, too. That is, if he can stop kicking dogs long enough.

"It's like my mother always taught me, 'If someone can't say something nice about a Shandis, then they better shut their fat faces before we come and kick them in the groin."

A reporter asked Shandis if a groin-kick was what he meant with the vague threat of "or else." Shandis responded with a chuckle and added, "No. My mother's old saying is metaphorical. We're all adults and we don't go around kicking people in the groin. We have access to much more painful and violent weapons than our feet. That's what I meant."

Before reporters could ask anymore questions, Shandis winked and said, "Now, if you'll excuse me, I have some skirt chasing to do."

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