Mrs. Filthy's Predictions for "The Real World: Season VIII"


Well, mes cheris, another bitter winter is past, the robins are twittering amongst the crabapple blossoms, and what am I doing with myself? After witnessing the histrionics of Irene's nervous breakdown, Stephen's anger management classes, Lindsay's scary teeth, and the mean streets machismo of Dave in Season VII, I should've made a solemn vow never to set my eyes on "The Real World" again. I sigh when I think of all those hours that will never be mine again, squandered on Himalayan pseudo-mysticism and the Aqua-Games! Well, as my aunt Fern says, "If ifs and buts were candy and nuts, we'd all have a very nice Christmas."

So, it becomes apparent that I don't always know what's good for me. June is almost here, dear hearts, and I find that I'm already wondering about Season VIII. I'm girding my mental loins, as it were, so that I can report to you the frolics of a tribe of callow, corn-fed youths on the beaches of luscious Hawaii. So, forget the Great American Novel I was planning to write, the trek to Uruguay, the lute lessons. Let Season VIII commence! Vive le fromage!

Just for the divertissement of those who admit to this particular voyeurism, I've compiled lists of what we may and may not expect in the coming months. Of course, I admit that my predictions do not take many risks. After all, the very success of "The Real World" relies entirely on its conformity to a particular formula. See you in June, my little cabbages!

What we will see on "The Real World: Season VIII"

  1. The first episode will be devoted to the cast's ogling of their fantasy house. The house will be peppered with hula girls and tiki gods, in keeping with the Polynesian theme.
  2. Also in this first episode, the wards of MTV will compete for the best bedrooms. The losing housemates will feel as sorry for themselves as if they'd been exiled to the ghetto. These sad-sacks will pout mightily.
  3. With all of the opportunities for scanty swimwear, there's bound to be some serious flirting. Of course, nothing will progress beyond the exchange of googly cow eyes.
  4. At some point in the season, there will be some heated name-calling. Within 10 minutes, the involved parties will reconcile and then gush about how much they mean to each other.
  5. Early in the season, the Real Worlders will appear to be active folks with a wide variety of goals and interests. In a matter of weeks, the group will have completely settled into listless lives of lounging, loafing, and lollygagging. Any project assigned to them will suffocate to death.
  6. There will be at least one cast member whose peppiness borders on sociopathy.
  7. There will be at least one person from "the wrong side of the tracks"; said person will be overwhelmed by the superficiality of the other housemates. Said person will then become just as superficial as the other housemates.
  8. One housemate will read a secret document, such as the journal, letters, or computer files, of another housemate. Conflict will ensue.
  9. A mild medical emergency will befall someone in the household. The producers of the program will devote an entire episode to the infected insect bite, fainting spell, or sprained ankle.
  10. This year, the "Road Rules" crew will decimate the Real Worlders on their annual Silly Sports Day. This is the only prediction of the ten that is not guaranteed.

What I Wish We Would See This Year, But We Probably Won't

  1. We've seen enough of the ineffectual slaps and name calling. I think 1999 should be the Year of the Hair-Pulling Cat-Fight.
  2. This year, the kids live in a dumpy apartment complex. They buy a toaster, a microwave, and a lamp at the local discount outlet. At least half the kids sleep on the floor, in sleeping bags. The domicile is invaded by snack-eating geckos.
  3. One Real Worlder is an unashamed nerd. The other housemates learn a little something about the wonders of Star Trek, HTML, and Rush.
  4. Complete play-by-play analysis from an anthropologist could really add some cultural zing to every episode.
  5. The kids receive a vacation in enchanting Toledo, Ohio! The best part of the adventure is when one of the girls has a revelation on the summit of a giant slag heap.
  6. One housemate joins a cult.
  7. One housemate is rushed to the emergency ward with Raviolitis, after eating Chef Boyardee for 75 days straight.
  8. The background music really ought to be what the kids like to listen to. We could learn a lot about the characters if we got to hear their devotion to the Eagles or Einsturzende Neubaten.
  9. Every cast member has a menial job. To unwind in their free time, they hatch all sorts of crazy schemes, such as performing theatre classics in the basement or learning the art of glass-blowing.
  10. Finally, it would be satisfying if all this impotent flirting actually led somewhere. Then again, I ought to be careful of what I wish for. Perhaps a shark attack would be more watchable, my friends?

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