November 20, 2001
The Morning After
You know what, dearies? I have grown to dread any episode that prominently features our young smitten lass, Nicole. It's not the garish eye makeup or unrelieved brooding, exactly; it's the fact that I can only understand about one in every five words she says. Every monologue seems to be filtered by a mouth full of pebbles. Anyway, it's a good thing that you don't really have to listen to Nicole to figure out what's going on this week.
She likes Bobby. She's hot for Bobby. She's desperate to have Bobby like her back. Meanwhile, her mumbly beau (both fine orators, they!) claims that he's "not ready to be had." He's certainly ready to tell Nicole what to do, though. She attempts her first omelet (write that in her baby book, Mom!) and Bobby is there every step of the way, criticizing her whisking, her chopping, etc. If it were my kitchen, I'd kick him out on his fanny.
But, Nicole just giggles and hopes for "some passionate love" in the vague future. At first, it doesn't look promising, folks. Bobby babbles about not wanting to let her down, about meeting other "chicks." Are there any other "chicks" at present? Non! Nicole tries again and asks if the two of them will ever get together. "Anything's possible," Bobby smirks. He's not exactly encouraging her advances, is he?
Nicole finally gets her way, but it's not because she sweeps him off his feet, or anything. After all, this is the same girl that upchucked all over New York! She sheds a few tears, and suddenly, their clothes are strewn about the room like so much flotsam and jetsam on a stormy beach. The other folks in the house hear the thumping and groaning and rush to listen at the door, their voyeuristic impulses mingling with their genuine relief that Nicole finally got what she wanted.
So, it's not a secret that Nicole and Bobby finally consummated their non-relationship. Nicole admits that she hopes that the act will cause some real affection on Bobby's part, but I would tell her not to hold her breath. With Coral, however, Nicole is a bit more coy. Coral wants details; Nicole begs to be let alone. Earlier, Coral had bet Nicole 20 bucks that she would have sex within the year. Is Nicole trying to weasel out of the bet, darlings? She eventually hands over the money and flees Coral's probing.
Speaking of probing, Jisela seems to be doing a lot of that lately, with video camera in hand. She's not interested at all in Malik's attentions, but she does seem to aspire to directing third-rate porn. She films a shower scene in which Mike disrobes and Rachel runs away. She films various antics in the pool. It's all shaping up to be "Sorority Girls on Fire 2: Boobs Away!" until Jisela adds her own commentary.
The guys are standing around chatting, and Jisela calls them all "dorks." Kevin is the "business dork with no personality of his own," and Malik is the "cornball dork." Now, mes amis, these statements are certainly accurate, but this sort of backstabbing is very unwelcome at their little beach party! It's especially unwelcome since the dorks find out about Jisela's comments almost immediately. Coral is incensed and encourages Jisela to "get off the ho train. There ain't nobody else on it but you!"
Jisela adamantly refuses to disembark, however. She pulls that neat little trick she has of deflecting blame. So, the guys are hurt by her comments? She was just joking! If they're mad, it's their own fault for not sharing her esoteric sense of humor. She accuses everybody else in the world of "blowing things way out of proportion." The little hussy is utterly incapable of seeing anybody else's point of view.
Malik's romantic hopes have been dashed to the ground, but at least he's accepted that Jisela won't ever be his girlfriend. She's not attracted to him and treats him like day-old fish sticks. The only upside for Malik is that he feels very close to all his housemates and knows that at least they care for him. Well, that's something, I suppose.
Who's Shirtless: Mike is, that goes almost without saying. And his consort, Vanessa, shows a fair amount of chest area, through a faulty bathing suit. This is much to Mike's happy surprise.
Who Cries: Nicole weeps. It works.
Most Annoying: Jisela! Jisela! Jisela!
Best Quote: Rachel surmises about Mike's attraction to the surgically augmented Vanessa, "It's possible that Vanessa could be feeling like two boobs and not a person."
Next Week: The kids' biggest assignment ever!