November 13, 2001
The Satyricon Bunim/Murray Style
Dearies, you know that when somebody repeats the phrase, "We're so in love," eight times in fifteen minutes that there's going to be trouble. After Jisela's initial visit, Malik is so smitten that he feels the need to tell one and all about his feelings for the girl. He's infected with that type of infatuation that renders people completely incoherent. About the only complete statement poor Malik is able to make about Jisela is, "She doesn't have casual sex. We were together because we love each other." And that statement, mes amis, is clearly wrong.
Even though the kids will soon be moving out of Chez Bunim/Murray, Malik cannot wait to see his little princess kitten. He plans to bring her up to New York from Florida. Plans change when the cast members learn that they'll be living it up in the swanky Hamptons and they can each invite a guest from the casting finals. So, guess who Malik will invite?
When Jisela arrives, she and Malik (now in braids! For extra closeness!) immediately affix their lips to one another's persons and do not remove them until well, we'll come to that later. This sort of cuddling and cooing is unbearable to watch; it's so slobbery and silly. Isn't somebody out there enforcing PDA regulations? The Mayor? But, we know something messy is coming up when Jisela says that she's uncomfortable with the whole concept of boyfriends and girlfriends; no commitment-phile, she!
And then the other guests arrive. I didn't recognize many of these other heavily made-up faces- Vanessa, Jenn, Patrice who? Adam and Blair I did recognize, however, and I could probably recognize any part of Blair after this episode. Jisela fairly leaps upon Blair as soon as she sees him; all that tender talk with Malik is out the window. She and Blair have other plans.
It seems that she and Blair have always wanted to have sex, but Blair always had a dang-blasted girlfriend in the way. Now that Blair is free from the ol' ball and chain, there isn't a single obstacle to their heated coupling. Oh, that Malik fellow? Who? Jisela tells Blair how that crazy fling happened, leaving out all that messy, inconvenient talk of "love." She makes it sound like she only bumped into him at the grocery store, or something. "I knew you were easy," Blair quips, "but not that easy!" What a gentleman.
The kids haven't even left for the Hamptons yet, and the hedonism has begun. Blair, that raffish wit, recommends a game of "strip pool." "That way, you have an excuse to get naked," he says to Jisela. Dirty dancing on the furniture soon devolves into a drunken game of spin-the-bottle. Lori and Jisela kiss. Jisela and Kevin kiss. Kevin and Lori kiss. But the big event is between Jisela and Blair, who use the confessional as their own private love nest. Now, who do you think has to clean that up, my pets?
Now, a scandal like that doesn't remain secret for long. Malik now seems to be tuning everybody out with his headphones; his romantic weekend with his girlfriend is a failure. Jisela, still intent on kissing every person in the room, suddenly "feels weird around Malik." That's not Malik, dear, that's your tiny little conscience calling. On the ride to the beach, Malik and Jisela ignore each other.
That's ok, because there are so many activities at the ritzy beach house. Hot dogs a-grilling, scooters a-scootin', ocean a-splashing- this place has it all. Rachel is so excited about her new surroundings, she falls right out of her hammock. The other kids don't waste any time and head straight for the swimming pool for more unclothed frolicking. While all of this is going on, Malik expresses his sadness and disappointment to his pal Kevin. "I want a girlfriend so bad," Malik moans, now knowing that Jisela is not the girl who will fill that title. Kevin tries to pretend that he was concerned about moral rectitude while he was smooching Jisela, like the good friend he is.
Sooner or later, Jisela and Malik had to meet, and when they do, Jisela tries to explain the situation by listing all the people she kissed. At this point, it would be easier for her to list the people she didn't kiss. Malik remains mellow, and affirms her need to express herself through fooling around. Jisela still blames Malik for making her feel bad, but they part amicably, agreeing not to commit to anything.
Oh, and in case you're interested, my sweets, Nicole still yearns for Bobby, even after their horrifyingly peristaltic first date. She invites him along to the Hamptons, hoping that the fresh ocean breezes will convince him to like her. She even gets a bikini wax, even though she has no bikini. She's just hoping to build her character through pain, I guess. So, we see Bobby and Nicole cuddling and napping together in an approximation of mutual regard. Nicole says she's happy, but her forehead still bears the telltale wrinkles of worry. Maybe that's as happy as she gets.
Who's Shirtless: Who's not shirtless? Mike, Jisela, Blair and Malik all bear their flesh, with Blair getting extra points for complete nudity. There were probably other naked people too, but I didn't look too closely.
Who Cries: Malik doesn't cry. He just clams up.
Most Annoying: It's not her promiscuity that earns her this title, it's the way that Jisela seems to palm off her feelings of guilt onto the nearest convenient target, Malik.
Best Quote: Well, darlings, this isn't witty or anything, but it's an apt piece of foreshadowing: Jisela tells Malik, "You may see parts of me that you won't like."
Next Week: Rachel flees Mike's exposed penis, and Malik
is still disappointed by Jisela's carousing ways.