November 12, 2002
The Other Man
Gabe is coming to town, and Irulan must feel like I did every Christmas when I was a wee girl. Sure, I was thrilled that Santa was on his way, but didn't Santa "see you when you're sleeping" and "know when you're awake?" Mes amis, that little song just creeped me out and soured me on the whole Santa Claus experience. Irulan's excitement is similarly tainted, but not because of some hoary old Christmas carol. She's living with the after-effects of illicit hanky-panky, my dears.
Alton's a little nervous, too. Irulan may be in an "open relationship," but their passionate-yet-truncated interlude raises some questions for Alton. Questions such as, "Will I have to endure Gabe's wrath?" and "Will Irulan ever visit my bed again?" Frank, ever the sage counselor, tells Alton not to worry. Perhaps Alton should worry that he's listening to the likes of Frank! Frank then leers, "If you had my feeble brain in your head, you would have had so much sex!" Correction: If Alton had Frank's "feeble brain," girls wouldn't come within 50 feet of him!
When Gabe arrives in Las Vegas, though, everything seems quiet enough, nary a ripple on the surface. Gabe and Alton play pool; Gabe and Irulan nuzzle like a pair of contented river otters. Irulan isn't in a hurry to tell Gabe that she was nuzzling (well, that's one word for it, anyway) Alton only a few days before. Alton, however, can't seem to leave well enough alone. "Like, you know that you can trust Irulan, right?" he asks Gabe, right after extolling Irulan's hot, hot bootie.
His suspicions aroused, Gabe later asks Irulan, "You haven't done anything to make your grandmother roll over and die, have you?" Now that her arm is officially twisted, Irulan admits to "kissing" Alton. "It was very innocent," she simpers. Sure, the kissing was innocent, but how about all that writhing and grinding, dearies?
But Irulan says that her convenient omissions only protect Gabe, you see. She says she doesn't want to put her lover-man in a bad position, that she just wants his love and acceptance. Neither Irulan or Gabe discuss the real issue, which is the insecurity and dishonesty lurking behind their "open relationship." And when Irulan finally spills the beans to Gabe, he doesn't say, "Gee, honey, I'm so glad you had that experience. It's good to see other people, as we agreed to do." He scrunches his face up in a little boy pout, and greedily presses Alton for more details.
Irulan and Gabe eventually talk it out, or at least get to the point at which they're bored with the subject. Irulan says, "I'm sorry you were feeling awkward." And Gabe, trying to appear the big man, unconvincingly replies, "Oh, no. I was worried about you!" Alton does the wise thing and gets away from all this. However, once he's on top of his big rock in the middle of the desert, visions of Irulan still haunt him. "Irulan is exactly what I want," he decides, and he climbs down off his rock and returns to the City of Sin. St. Anthony, Alton is not.
And all this while Alton's mom is in town! By all accounts, Melina is a lovely woman, and everyone wants her as a mother figure. The other housemates all call her "cute," and want to "eat her up." By this description, you'd think she was a gingerbread elf, not a mother preparing for the trial of the man suspected of kidnapping and murdering her son 9 years ago. She's not fazed at all by the activity in the Real World house. Go figure.
Who Cries? Irulan cries when Gabe leaves for home, but don't worry, my pets. Within 30 seconds, she's laughing like a hyena again!
Most Annoying: Irulan and Gabe both illustrate how difficult it is to be open in an "open relationship." I say, either poop or get off the pot! Excuse my language, darlings.
Advice Tip of the Week: If you're having love trouble, Frank is not, I repeat NOT, the person to go to.
Best Quote: "I don't want to say I'm a spoiled brat, but I'm accustomed to having things done my way," huffs Irulan.
Next Week: Is Trishelle cramping Steve's style? Did
a man just grab Alton's testicles? But, wait a minute, I want
to hear more about Brynn's go-go dancing career!
Want to tell Mrs. Filthy something?