Mrs Filthy's "Real World" Review

November 9, 1999

Aloha, Darlings!

Now, I've read that "Aloha" can mean many things. It can mean "hello" and "good-bye." I'm not sure about this, but it might also mean, "Kick those whiny kids out of the house!" That's right, my little coconuts, this is the last episode of the season. Before we can reclaim our Tuesday nights, however, there are still a few last ends to tie up.

When we last left Amaya she, shock of all shocks, was crying and feeling lonely. Whenever she tries to talk to Kaia, Crystal Woman starts practicing her deep breathing exercises. Kaia says, "I'd rather see the positive in people," but she's surely not making much of an effort with Amaya, who is so distraught she lies in bed, whimpering like a lost puppy. She flips the bird to Amaya instead and requests a big kiss on the ass. How sweet. How empowering.

Matt's still trying to teach Amaya a lesson, too. He asks Amaya to buy some wigs for their farewell program at Local Motion. When Amaya warily says, "I'll try," he completely brushes her off. Amaya does not appreciate such a nonchalant reaction. Here she is, trying to be above it all, and everyone is ignoring her! She has officially given up trying to be "all yippidy-doo," and now all she cares about is not letting the others know how much they got to her. Pam, Calvin's wife and the recipient of Ruthie's infamous table dance, urges Amaya not to waste any more energy on this. "They got to you. That's a fact," she advises.

Ruthie remembers what it felt like to be the black sheep of the household, so she refuses to join the Anti-Amaya Alliance. Actually, she and Amaya spend a surprising amount of time together admiring the sunset, flexing their biceps, talking about self-image. Amaya bolsters her self esteem by confronting Kaia, even if Kaia is so hoity-toity that she requests an appointment. When asked why she's there, Amaya declares,"I am here to officially stand up for Amaya!" Once that little item is checked off her list, Amaya feels strong. In the safety of the confessional booth, she then flips Kaia the bird!

Kaia doesn't have time for insecure future soccer moms; she must have Matt and his "made-for-TV-mind," and she must have them now! Sure, I've heard the rumors that Kaia and Matt are actually the same person, and this brings up a troubling point. I always thought that if a person met his doppelganger, he would die. Certainly, sex with one's doppelganger would have to be equally lethal. But, Kaia's not exactly a creature of sense (note the feather boa) so she's still pretty determined to make this conquest. She flips her hair, lies writhing on the ground, hands Matt her journal and then tells him, "Don't read it!" If she were a baboon, her butt would be bright red.

Never mind that if Matt and Kaia dated, they could share granny glasses. Matt is reluctant to give up his plans to stalk Ruthie's intriguing sis, Sara. Oddly enough, Ruthie seems to be encouraging his fixation on her twin. Even after all the smooching and cuddling, Matt musters up the strength to tell Kaia that he just wants to be friends, that kissing her just makes him think of Sara. Well! The ever-confident Kaia retorts, "That's him not being honest with himself." Kaia then retaliates by climbing on the roof and throwing things at Matt and Ruthie. A paragon of maturity, that girl! Angels, I'm just relieved, as Colin was, that we weren't subjected to anything more!

As a farewell present to the people of Hawaii, the cast members decide to put on one last show at Local Motion. When I heard that Matt was in charge of writing the skits, I wasn't sure I wanted to watch any further. He contributed a "Dating Game" parody, for heaven's sake! No one should be subjected to such a thing. Methinks a better farewell present would be a flying leap into the nearest crater.

Just like in an old Judy Holliday movie, everyone gets along much better after the big show. I'm just amazed the audience didn't walk out after two minutes of this nonsense. There were so many moments to walk out on- Teck and Matt in dresses, Kaia's ode to Matt and his bright green shirt, Amaya's sappy singing. And, why in blue blazes didn't Kaia's slobbering all over Matt send them all out in droves? Warning! The producers have elected to show this last bit in slow motion. This would be a good time to get a snack or call the folks.

At some point during the hour-long episode, all traces of personal narrative utterly disappear and are replaced with the same things we hear at the end of every single year. "I wouldn't change a thing." "I've learned so much." "I've grown as a person." Hugs and high fives all around! Flashbacks aplenty! I probably didn't have to watch the last ten minutes, except I was hoping that Ruthie would say, "Hasta Pasta" again. She doesn't. So, I was left hoping for something a little more catty.

The only catty moments from the whole farewell sequence come straight from Kaia. Hugging is de rigueur among this crowd. Colin has even relented and called Amaya "definitely a good person" and hugged her. But, Kaia will not hug Amaya, nosiree. She's still trying to teach her a lesson, I guess. Kaia also tells Ruthie, "Tell your sister congratulations." Maybe she ought to be giving Sara condolences, if Sara and Matt are destined to be a couple. Kaia hasn't entirely given up on Matt, though. She plans to visit him in California, and then, watch out! Somewhere, somehow, two very annoying people may fall in love.


Who's Shirtless This Week? Even if Kaia now seems to believe that toplessness is tacky, her roomies certainly don't. Ruthie appears naked and blurry. Colin and Teck are shirtless thrice, including flashbacks.

Most Annoying Character of the Season? Matt was way out in front for a long time, but in recent episodes, Amaya edged closer and closer. The numbers say it's a tie (5-5), but I'm just going to award the title to creepy, slithery ol' Matt. What the heck, he deserves it!

Next Week: Who was the most kissable Real Worlder? The most edible? Tune in next week, my sweets, and read the results of my First Annual "Real World" Survey!



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