November 7, 2000
Mes cheris, you might remember that when we last saw the Real Worlders, they were about to have a grand ol' tiff. Actually, it was more like an inquisition than a quarrel, since six of the housemates were focused on one individual in particular David. If David won't be their best friend, well then, they'll just make him sit in the living room and listen to their tirades! It's a harsh fate, dearies, and if anyone else in the world was suffering this, I would feel pretty bad.
But, you see, even David has a reason for his aloofness and abrupt "woo-wooing." He tells his fellow castmates that he's like the shark who must always swim to survive; he's got a sick mom to take care of, and that's why he's always "on the go." Bien sur, darlings, David may be the first person I've heard of who tries to cure his mother with wild parties and strippers and jacuzzis. But the upshot is that David's housemates are simply abashed by his tear-stained story, and soften up immediately. They see the "wall" that is David, and they see the little elf that is David's ineffable spirit frolicking behind the "wall," and they want inside, by gum! They vow to be supportive for the remainder of their stay a whole two weeks!
Halfway through the anti-David rally, Melissa had stormed out of the room; in her opinion, David may be a "jackass," but she has to admit that at least he's given her another opportunity to indulge her dramatic tendencies. When Jamie mentions to Melissa that she missed David's soul-baring, she doesn't care a whit. "Did he say 'I'm sorry'?" she snarls, "Well then, I'm not interested." Melissa claims that family troubles are no excuse for annoying behavior. Et tu, Melissa?
Soon after the big house meeting, David, Jamie and Matt head to the nearest Subway to discuss their feelings some more and hug and all that sensitive stuff. Finally, the cold cuts weren't the mushiest things in the joint! David admits that the confrontation technique was uncomfortable, but that it was probably the only way to reach him. Matt explains his ideas about friendship and offers some sugar to his male compatriots. That's just what friends do for one another!
Evidently, another thing that friends do for one another is play "Spin the Bottle." You heard it here first, darlings! The game may have been inspired by the fact that Kelley's stuck at home for the time being. Peter is surfing in Indonesia, so pauvre fille Kelley is forced to spend time with her housemates. Now that Kelley is actually residing at the Belfort Mansion, she finds that she's not "clicking" very well. Melissa actually tells this rather brisk Jenny-come-lately that all she can expect to receive is mere cordiality. No sugar for you, young lady! Hence Kelley's reckless bottle-spinning.
In the interest of tying up every single loose end of the season, we must remember the confrontation between Julie and her ideal pair of lips, Matt. Last week, Julie had written her reluctant beau a letter telling him all the things that were wrong with him. There was not one single sentence about his lips! Matt read the letter with much interest, but wanted a deeper explanation. What Julie wants is an admission of Matt's feelings for her, and she gets it, too. It's incredibly awkward and vague, but she gets it. Basically, my sweets, Matt says that he likes Julie in a different way than he likes Kelley or Melissa or Jamie or anyone else. And then he runs. Fast.
When it's Matt's turn to spin the bottle, Julie stops it so that it indicates her, and then she pounces. Matt is shocked, "She was expecting a kiss. Psheesh. You gotta let the bottle spin!" And then he hides behind the bed, cringing for dear life. Julie is absolutely relentless in her lust.
So, the rest of this episode basically serves to answer all those questions that the producers imagine we must be asking. Will Kelley and Melissa be friends? Will David be a participating member of the household? Will Julie return to her old life? What will Melissa do next to draw attention to herself? I have to admit, mes petites chous, my primary question was, "When will this be over?" followed closely by, "Can someone give these kids a quick kick for me?"
Kelley and Melissa do part on better terms, after co-producing the last episode of "The Real 7." They choose art as their theme and visit a local gallery called "Ya-Ya's." Elton, their boss, is by now a complete mushpot and completely accepts whatever the Real Worlders give him. This season's public access television storyline wasn't so much about the success of the kids in a new medium, as it was about the breaking of a vulnerable man, a man named Elton.
And David does open up. He invites Julie to watch him "blow" at the studio, and even invites her to come up with her own impromptu rap. The result is simply unlistenable, but that's just one of the risks of opening up, I suppose. I think the Midwestern accent made Julie's efforts even worse. I rarely talk back to the television, my dears, but in this case, I was yelling, "Stop! Stop!"
Julie, just a few short days from leaving New Orleans, remembers that she'd better talk to the Honor Code Office at BYU to see if she is still a student, or if she's out on her rear. After all, she's slept in the same house as boys, she's broken curfew and been in the same room as booze and immoral acts. She wants to return and share all her newfound insight with her fellow Mormons, but she may not even get the chance now.
Melissa shows her paintings at Lionel's new gallery; where
else? She's shocked to learn that she could hear criticism of
her own work. Who wouldn't love a candy-colored portrait of
a school of fish being eaten by a larger fish, titled "I
will survive." Sacre bleu! There is someone out there
who would; a man actually asks Melissa if she sells prints of
her work. But the coup of the evening is when Monsieur David
deigns to show his face and tells Melissa that he has faith in
The rest of the housemates are going back to school, or heading out into the job market. There are the obligatory hugs and life lessons in the airport terminal, as the group becomes smaller and smaller. Julie and Matt do kiss, but it takes a fair amount of hemming and hawing and even some head-butting before it happens. Matt tells Julie, "Keep smiling. God loves ya. You know He does." Maybe he's hoping that Julie will direct her amorous attentions onto the Supreme Being instead. And, finally, we're left with Julie, alone, skating through the airport, pondering what life will bring her next. Well, sweeties, I know what life is bringing me: a vacation! A bientot until next time!
Who Cries: Talk about your grand finale! David, Melissa and and Danny all shed a few tears, but no one can beat Miss Julie who is seen weeping in at least five scenes. I sure hope she wasn't wearing eye makeup, dearies!
Most Annoying of the Season: As you might expect, it was a pretty close race between David and Melissa for much of the season. What was surprising was that Jamie and Matt were relatively close behind. But for the whole season title, I'm going to anoint David. Sure, Melissa was louder, but David's self-love reached monstrous proportions. And the fact that he allowed Julie to improvise that horrible rap! Unforgivable!
Best Quote: "You're not letting your roommates talk you into another type of lifestyle, are you?" queries Julie's dad, in a last ditch attempt to shield his daughter from immorality.
Next Week: I'll review the "Real World Unmasked"
special, and we can see what a few paltry months have meant to
the New Orleans cast. And, voting season's not over, folks!
Don't forget to complete The 2nd Annual Real World Review Survey!