Mrs Filthy's "Real World" Review
November 2, 1999
Colin entertains yet another visitor who wears his baseball caps backward. My lord, all of his friends are starting to turn into one big, lunkheaded blur. This particular friend of Colin, Tony, catches the eager eyes of Amaya with his "swimmery" physique and his "wonderful, wonderful vibrations." Plus, he's breathing, and he's willing to give her his undivided attention. How can she resist?
Colin is a wee bit touchy about Amaya abducting his boyhood chum. He tries to warn him- "She is a giant negative. Don't do it!" When words don't seem to get the message through Tony's well-insulated skull, Colin falls back on hand signals, a vehement thumb down for Amaya! However, Tony is evidently not too familiar with the parlance of Monsieurs Siskel and Ebert, because he doesn't leave Amaya alone, even when she whips out the Cosmo horoscopes. To any reasonably alert person, that should be a sign to flee, flee, flee!
It's only a few minutes into the show, my gumdrops, and the fur already begins to fly. Amaya accuses Colin of being jealous of her and Tony's rapport. Colin accuses Tony of being a drooling idiot around women. He also accuses Amaya of being rather amiable to the other sex. "You click with anybody who has a twig and berries." So, who's next for Miss Amaya, Smokey the Bear? I suppose he has rather a "swimmery" physique.
Amaya repeatedly claims that she isn't out to hurt Colin, but she certainly isn't out to be a stellar housemate either. Unless of course, my sweets, that being an excellent housemate means sharing bed space to keep one's guests warm and toasty. "We fell asleep talking. That's the truth," she tells us via the confessional, but to her roommates, she purrs, "We chilled."
For those of you who are not initiated in the various meanings of "chill" on this program, here are a few translations. She could be saying, "Tony and I were resting after a long, difficult day." Or, "Tony and I were merely enjoying each other's company." But the only translation that everyone in the house seems to comprehend is this, "Tony and I were heartily enjoying each other's genitals."
Did they? Didn't they? Who cares? Those housemates that were looking for a reason to drop Amaya from their Christmas card lists suddenly have one. Kaia, once so cheerily part of the "Crystal Woman/ Soccer Mom" team, is disgusted that Amaya would try to hurt Colin. Matt "I wear my sunglasses at night." laments that he tried so hard to be nice to Amaya, like the time he started dropping hints about her possible STD, or the time he tried to meddle in her eating habits. All that effort, down the toilet!
Colin, Matt, Kaia and Ruthie have a Star Chamber-esque meeting to talk behind Amaya's back about how Amaya talks behind their backs. After that meeting, Amaya is subjected to the silent treatment. Now, I would think that the silent treatment from these kids would be a mercy, but Amaya seems quite upset by this turn of events. She tells Colin to loosen up. "I'm loose!" he growls. She tries to talk to Kaia, who practically crows, "You sound pretty desperate." "I'm not desperate!" wails Amaya. It's really not pretty, my dumplings.
The ostracized Amaya cries by the pool and cries on the phone. She vows to act tough; "I will not let these people ruin me!" However, she has no clue how she might have spurred this behavior; to her, this is merely a quirk of fate, a bizarre change in the weather. As God is her witness, she could never be at fault! Amaya needs attention so badly that she turns to Ruthie, one of the most frequent victims of her backbiting.
Amazingly, Amaya and Ruthie reach some sort of understanding this week. Amaya feels completely left out, and she apologizes for her negative reception of Ruthie upon her return. The gist of Ruthie's reply is, "Now you know how it feels." Amaya says, "Holy shit, I got a challenge!" as if this is some sort of Outward Bound retreat and she just bought a canoe.
She approaches the other housemates about her exile, and they descend upon her like a flock of pecking chickens. Kaia grips the dot on her head in some drama coach's idea of exasperation. "She needs to learn a lesson," pronounces Matt. Colin even leaves off chewing, so that he can tell Amaya, "When it comes down to it, you are not liked." Amaya acts shocked and cries some more and apologizes. The other housemates still don't like her. And there we have it, my lovelies, those three magic words, "To be continued"
Who's Shirtless This Week? Emotional crises seem to bring out the toplessness in these people. Here are the stats: Colin- 4 scenes, Ruthie- 1 scene, Teck,- 1 scene, and special guest star Tony- 4 scenes.
Most Annoying Character? Amaya is not only annoying this week, she's annoying in a variety of ways. She's scheming, whiny, needy and easy. For heaven's sake, she sounds like the Seven Dwarves!
Next Week:. Before we bid "Aloha" to this season, we must endure one more atrocity, Kaia and Matt kissing!