October 31, 2000
Julie tells her roomies all about her squabble with David (see last week), and they react rather positively. "You see," Melissa quips, "Julie is practicing empowerment." Just about everyone is sick and tired of David acting like he does everything "phenomenonably" (that's Julie's word, not mine, dearies!). I repeat, just about. Only Matt feels bad when David gets singled out. He knows that David only responds to anger with more anger and isolation, and wishes everyone would give him another chance. Oh heavens, will he be singing another tune in another 25 minutes!
Meanwhile, David is singing another tune and this one doesn't have a single "she-boop-a doop" in it. Instead, the lyrics go something like this: "I'm an extremist. I take everything to the next level." David tells his friend Deanna that he's doing great things (Quelle surprise!) but he gets no support from his housemates, and therefore does not care a fig for them. He'd be happy clapping all alone in a corner, even if everyone was "hating on" him. Anyway, David's too busy singing saccharine love ballads in the studio to worry too much about his popularity rating in the house.
However, David does like to think about his popularity with the ladies. And to this end, David decides to hold a hot tub party at our very own Belfort Mansion, complete with strippers "from three different places!" David's really looking forward to a high degree of nudity during this event; he expects his exotic guests to get naked in two shakes of a lamb's tail, "because that's what they do for a living!" Oh, and I suppose I just love selling buttons and rickrack at Hancock Fabrics, so that's what I'm going to do for fun, too! I imagine taking off one's clothes would be as dreary as cutting fabric if one had to do it all the time.
While David may be just thrilled at the prospect of having lots of large, buoyant bosoms in his proximity, his housemates aren't looking forward to it. They're actually pretty grossed out by the concept of all those extra fluids that could be left in their tub. Melissa packs up her stuff before you can say "Ratt video," and Julie is not long in following. Danny would be interested in the party, except he smells self-promotion in the air, and it's not his own. He skedaddles, too. Soon, it's just David, the strippers and some other guy. I'm surprised David let another man anywhere near the house. Bien sur, the other guy does have much smaller muscles.
After the party, David calls his mom to tell her about all the great strippers he met! No, sweeties, David is a whole other animal when he's talking to his mom. He's the dutiful son who worries about finances, who wants to secure his future so that he can take care of his mom. He feels like it's just he and his mother, against the world. He tells his mom that he'll be recording some songs for a new artist compilation record- he could be on his way to stardom!
With those big thoughts running through his head, David prepares himself for his musical breakout. Unfortunately, he's trying to perfect his "woobly-boobly-doo" technique just when the rest of the house is trying to do chores. It's not that David can't ignore all this fervent industry going on around him, except that almost everyone in the house interrupts him to ask if he's going to pitch in or not. Oh, and Matt interrupts him to offer the pleasure of his company at the recording studio.
But David leaves Matt standing all alone and heads to the studio by himself. Matt feels completely abandoned, or "dissed," and no longer has the same interest in standing up for his bicep-enhanced buddy. The rest of the house is just livid about David's nonparticipation in the house cleanup. Jamie calls David, "this cavity, this decay in the house." Melissa is practically salivating at the thought of David's comeuppance. Jamie takes it upon himself to call a house meeting to discuss, "openness, sincerity and why David is an asshole to everyone in the house." Sounds like the voice of reason, eh mes amis?
And David's not the only one facing the music by the end of this episode. Not only is Matt rejected by David, he also has to hear about his arrogance and rudeness from Julie. Sure, Julie still feels that lovely little heart flip whenever she thinks about his pasty, cracked, lizard-like lips, but she's pretty much given up on the bizarre desire to turn his head. And when Julie and Matt are together, they bicker like the Bickersons. And that, my friends, is no fun for anyone.
Julie has left the Albino behind and is striving to achieve the proper balance between kissing everybody and kissing nobody. She's not doing too well, since it seems like she does truly kiss everybody she can get her kisser on. The latest victim is a young lad named Jacob. When Julie brings him to the Belfort Mansion, Matt kicks the little guy and growls, "You need to speak up, punk ass." It seems everyone but Matt was unaware that such an overture was a friendly one, and Julie is mightily peeved. She's peeved again when Matt makes fun of Jacob's youth. Is Matt's behavior attributable to simple rudeness? To jealousy?
To figure all this out, Julie decides to write down all her concerns in a letter, "in word form," and send it to Matt. Thank heavens the message isn't in pictograph form, or we would never find out what it said! Matt reads the note and is a little bit alarmed to discover that Julie is so angry at him and demonstrates his confusion with a little giraffe toy. When Julie's not around, Matt is droopy; when she's around, boing! I have to admit, darlings, this just confused me even more. But, everything better be resolved next week, because after that, these people are out of my life forever.
Did You Know? I received an email the other day, touting an upcoming movie starring a few former Real Worlders, some girl from "Baywatch" and the whiny guy from Tears for Fears (oh wait, they're both whiny!). The person who wrote the message told me that he had just seen the trailer, and boy it looked wonderful and I should go check it out! That person, my dears, was the director of the picture, Dana Altman, progeny of Robert Altman. Dana Altman, mes petites chous, is pimping for his own little movie. He thinks he's being sneaky, but I'm not even going to mention the stupid old title.
Who's Shirtless: You'd better believe that David is shirtless for the big hot-tub hootenanny!
Who Cries: David cries to his mommy.
Most Annoying: As much as I'd like to nominate Mr. Dana Altman for posing as a starstruck film enthusiast and cluttering up my mailbox, I know I should stick to an actual cast member. It's painful to nominate David, since that means I'm on the side of all the other housemates, but what can I say? He truly is the most annoying this week!
Best Quote: David declares, "If no one's gonna clap for me, I'm gonna stand up and clap for myself!" Way to go, David!
Next Week: C'est la fin... but there's still more bickering
until the bitter end.