October 23, 2001
What's Coming Up?
We all know that the season of spooks and goblins is here, darlings. It's time for scary makeup and gory movies, not to mention desperate gorging on candy. Well, Nicole is obliging us in this episode with all our biggest fears, and it's tres appropos! If you haven't seen the episode yet, the plot of this particular horror-show goes like this: Nicole turns the Big Apple into one big vomitorium and all for the sake of misguided love, the bane of so many sad monsters.
Oh, it begins innocuously enough. Nicole receives a package of doodads from her favorite young man, Bobby. What is her relationship to said young man? Even Nicole isn't sure, but there must be something going on. "I hope it's nothing nasty, like a thong!" Nicole exclaims before opening the mystery box. Thong or no, Bobby has never expressed a real interest in Nicole's affections. "He's cute, he's smart the only thing that I don't like is that he doesn't like me," laments Nicole.
But Bobby plans to fly all the way from Detroit to pay Nicole a visit. Could this be her chance for true love? Alas, Nicole immediately begins to tread down the wrong primrose path to romance. She figures that she'll drink, pretend she's drunker than she really is, then blame her aggressive behavior on the booze. Her plan of attack set, Nicole then teases the bejeezus out of her hair, plasters on the war paint and departs for the airport. She doesn't even get ten steps from the house before she adds yet more makeup to her ensemble. Now that's preparation, dearies!
Nicole doesn't wait too long to let Bobby know how she feels about him. She tells Bobby about the lack of men in her proximity (hint, hint, Bobby!) and Bobby, the ponytailed smoothie, murmurs, "You're close to one now." He'd only have to add the "baby," and Nicole would be writhing helplessly in his arms, but Bobby's a bit of a cold fish, content to be merely chased by this desperate woman.
The real problems begin with the champagne. Nicole wants to toast "To us," and Bobby agrees, but with a great deal of reluctance. The champagne doesn't seem to be very tasty, either, but Nicole slogs down a couple of glasses anyway. All's fair in love and war, right, mes amis? So, then the pair head to a hip nightspot, where Nicole samples the wide array of bar offerings and enjoys Bobby's company. This is probably the high point of her evening.
And after this, the deluge. She's so incapacitated that she stumbles and slurs and then, you guessed it, loses her composure all over the streets of New York. Several times, gang. Graphically. It doesn't seem to bother blase Bobby, who stuffs his face with kebab and hot dogs while all this is going on. But, geez, if I wanted to see this much throwing up, I could hang out at the Tavern with my dear hubby! And, sweeties, I make a point of avoiding that.
They get home, and Nicole's stomach hasn't calmed a whit. Coral tries to clean her up a bit with some fresh lipstick and new clothes, but it's a thankless task since Nicole's not exactly done with her second act. A more helpful action would be to get her out of those teeter-y high heels before she broke her neck!
Her romantic plans scuttled (who wants to kiss someone with vomit breath?), Nicole has quieted down. Bobby gives Nicole a little massage, but that's all she's going to get. After all, he tells her he's not ready for "being had." Now isn't that an encouraging message of love, my chickadees? He also drops little hints, like "I do everything slow." So we shouldn't expect any action for Nicole soon, even if she's convinced she's found her ideal match. As Coral aptly says, "A rose and a kiss? What kind of game is he running?"
Speaking of Coral, she's finally realized that she intimidates her roomies, who all seem more than amused at her delayed revelation. She decides that she's going to change the image she's projecting and become a big ol' sweetie teddy bear. Mostly, this consists of Coral talking to her housemates in a softer voice and pausing to listen to them in turn. She hasn't entirely dropped her attitude, however; she vows that if Nicole's almost comatose beau shows her any attitude, "I've got something for him!"
But, already, the boy-girl rift in the house is closing. Kevin and Coral talk about their attitudes, the former seeming to take some sort of smarmy credit for the latter's reform. Then, Coral and Lori explore Central Park with Kevin and Mike, and Coral gets to do things she's never done before, like be spontaneous and climb rocks and stuff. It's all very carefree, but how boring will the rest of the year be, if everyone is getting along like this?
Who's Shirtless: Mike again is the lone volunteer, braving the wild rapids of Central Park.
Who Cries: Coral just wants to be nice! Don't you people understand? Boo hoo!
Most Annoying: Actually, Bobby, Nicole's dream date, is just sort of icky. Even though he's not a cast member, I vote for him today.
Best Quote: Nicole greatly overestimates her own powers, "I'm an evil master, but I'm going to use my evil for good."
Next Week: Kevin schmoozes among horse-faced supermodels and we are subjected to the torture of a cappella singing. True horror!