Mrs. Filthy's Real World Review

October 15, 2002

Stir Crazy

You keep seven young people cooped up, even in a deluxe penthouse suite with access to pools and nightclubs, and what do you get? Darlings, you get thrown silverware and a whole lot of histrionics. Maybe it's time for these kids to get out a little, exchange niceties with the drunks downtown, see a laser light show, get some fresh air.

After all, mes amis, it is getting a wee bit stuffy at The Palms, what with Trishelle and Steve generating all that body heat. They rub up against one another so much, I almost expect them to glow in the dark from all that static electricity. But, the lovebirds say they can't help themselves, what with this "really, really weird connection" and Trishelle's "positive aura." It also helps that Trishelle's breasts are always on Steve's mind.

Just because two people are in lust, however, doesn't mean that the rest of the world is tickled pink. Lovers are notoriously selfish and inconsiderate. Frank is weary of waking to the moist slapping of flesh against flesh; the least Steve and Trishelle could do is give the poor guy one of those different-bird-every-hour alarm clocks! And Arissa is horrified to see the lovebirds nesting in the confessional. "Keep it in your own room!" she bellows, but much too late.

But Brynn is the unhappiest roommate of all. She makes no bones about her jealousy and the fact that she expected to be the hottie of the household. She likes Steve. He doesn't like her. She pretends to be nonchalant. Steve is nonchalant for real, and this drives the poor girl mad- mad enough to think that her rudeness to Steve won't be noticed, or seen through.

She seems to have this notion that rudeness makes the heart grow fonder. What about a nice outfit? Pleasant conversation? A well-timed hand on the shoulder? Non, non and non! Brynn's determined to win Steve's attention by annoying him until he's putty in her hands. Unfortunately for her, Steve doesn't become putty when he's annoyed; he only yells.

That, my dears, is when Brynn throws the fork. We don't see the actual fork in action, but Steve is convinced that the silverware in question was directed at an artery. Brynn tries to make it sound like she merely dropped the fork, but strategically. Much shoving and shouting ensues- you know, the flailing, "ho"-ing and "tramp"-ing straight from Springer-land. Hmm, it's all so very 1998.

Steve calls Tracy the Friendly Neighborhood Real World Producer right away and demands Brynn's ejection from the house. Tracy replies that the entire household has to make the decision. Steve doesn't waste any time gathering his roomies and stating his case, rather loudly. He feels that Brynn's violent nature makes her a danger to others (unless the silverware is locked up) and to herself (Steve plans to hit her if she irritates him again).

The others don't especially want to boot Brynn, but then again, they repeatedly tell Steve that it's his decision to make. Brynn attempts a last-ditch effort to save herself by crying, "It's because I like you!" Steve coldly replies, "Brynn, this is not elementary school. I want you gone." Ouch! That's got to be pretty humiliating.

But Steve isn't done shaming Brynn. He tells her that her subterfuge didn't fool him for a second. He presses Brynn to admit that she's ruined her own life. Brynn, now reduced to the consistency of fresh pudding, calls her mother and tells her that she's coming home, "because I threw a fork at one of my roommates." Just the thing every mother longs to hear!

Brynn mopes. Steve mopes. The other cast members mope. Finally, Arissa asks Steve to talk to Brynn before making a final decision. Steve is skeptical but obliges his non-fork-throwing housemate. Everyone looks on via closed circuit television as Brynn explains her failure to productively express her feelings. They're waiting for the magic hug that will break the spell of malaise that's descended upon their Vegas paradise/prison.

And guess what, honeys? Steve falls for it. "You are me when I was 20," this venerable sage declares when Brynn finishes her spiel. And when Brynn, with demurely lowered eyelids, asks Steve to help her, he agrees. Oldest trick in the book, I say! She's going to have her hand down his pants before you can say, "emotional maturity." But, Steve makes himself feel better by telling himself, "I'm not even letting Brynn stay; I'm letting the old Steve stay." And then they hug.

But everyone seems to draw a different conclusion from this trial. Steve almost feels like this conflagration was a good thing, or at least a cathartic thing. Brynn swears off the silverware. Irulan says that "No one in the house should be hooking up." Hmmm. More about that later. And finally, Frank predicts more rough sailing ahead. Well, darlings, he's really going out on a limb!

Who Cries? Brynn's tear ducts must be officially dry after her marathon self-pity party.

Most Annoying: Brynn excuses her atrocious behavior by saying, "I don't know any other way to react." In her universe, the golden rule must read, "Throw forks into others as you would have them throw forks into you."

Romance Tip of the Week: If a young lady wants to show her affection for a young gentleman, throwing a fork isn't nearly as effective as hitting him over the head with a Holly Hobbie lunchbox. I speak from experience, mes petites!

Best Quote: When Brynn is sure of her imminent departure, she laments, "This was my chance to finally do something besides get pregnant and have kids." Oh, great, Brynn with children- isn't that heartwarming?

Next Week: It's National Pick-On-Trishelle-Week!

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This Week, Mrs. Filthy's Reading:

Cultivating Delight: A Natural History of My Garden by Diane Ackerman