October 13, 1998
This week: Seattle- City of the Hot Ass!
The show opens with Janet calling Nathan "a big hornball". But don't get your hopes up, gang, if you're itchin' for a brawl. Nathan enthusiastically agrees with Janet's assessment; after all, he's human- "half flesh!" What's the other half? Well, evidently, his tear ducts must take up a huge amount of space in his body, because he's in non-stop weepie mode this week. Or, maybe that's just his way of excreting all the excess alcohol he imbibes.
Nathan and Dave discuss amour, and Nathan promotes his stellar method of resisting the temptations of all the "hot asses" Seattle has to offer. All he has to do is think of his gal Stephanie's funny face, and he commands, "Get thee behind me, Succubus of the Feverish Derriere!" He's, we might say, a little over-confident, perhaps, about the power of Steph's amusing features, because as soon as he hits the hooch, he starts chatting up various "hot asses". Sure, he tosses Stephanie's name around, but that doesn't keep the sizzly-butt femmes away. Stephen says that the guys "bump into a lot of chicks that dig Nate." One short-shorted chick in particular, Lisa, is a "massage maniac" and doesn't seem to mind drunken slobbering, because she just won't leave Nathan alone. They spend some special, blurry moments alone in a Jeep; I can only assume that Lisa is generously teaching him some of the finer points of massage mania.
Nathan staggers away from the scene of the crime. In a technological breakthrough, MTV allows us to experience Nathan's disorientation via the Drunkard-Cam. His liquor-induced remorse worries Rebecca, who walks him home and reassures him as he cries and sniffles and slurs his words and threatens to hurl.
All this anguish is very well and fine, but what about when Goofy Mug Stephanie comes to town? Nathan seems happy enough to see her, and says that in her arms, he's "the safest he's ever been in his life". He's just a wee bit nervous, though. When Stephanie jokingly asserts, "You've changed", he practically jumps down her neck. Nathan swears to himself that he will tell his future wife about his lip-locking mistake at the first appropriate opportunity.
Now that Irene is long gone, "Dead Air" needs another co-host. At least, that's what Program Director Phil thinks, so he offers the position to an eager Nathan. His first show, his chance to shine, is in the presence of Stephanie, a youth who purports to be Nathan's best friend, and a person named Drew. Stephanie is more encouraging of Nathan's radio career than the last time we saw her; she doesn't tell him that he sounds funny. However, this first performance is marred by the spectre of Demon Liquor. Nathan is drinking beer ON THE AIR. Even when no one's listening, this is still a big FCC no-no. He receives a reprimand. Later, he receives another scolding when he and his friends get too rowdy in the station. Who knew that alternative radio was so... paternal?
Has Nathan told Stephanie yet? Nope. They hang out, go shopping, lie abed, chat about all sorts of things, but not a word of his recent Hot-Ass Encounter. He instead promises that he's "never going to change." Amazingly, Stephanie does not immediately run home.
The suspense mounts. We only have to wait a moment for Nathan's next descent into inebriation for the waterworks to open up again. After a night of bar-hopping, Nathan drunkenly frets over the disappearance of 75 dollars. But is he really upset over his spendthrift ways? No. Oh, so you're thinking, this is when he's going to spill the big stinky beans to his fiancee? Oh, no, dearies, you're jumping the gun. Stephanie asks what's wrong, and when he clams up, she walks away. Just like that, another golden opportunity for a domestic dispute is lost to the winds.
But, Demon Alcohol isn't through causing trouble, my friends. In their booze-induced stupor, Nathan and Stephanie sleep through their alarm. They awake with less than a half an hour to get to Stephanie's plane. So, he doesn't get to tell her a big long goodbye or a teary, goopy confession of wrongdoing, either. Oh darn! We leave this sad lil' critter terrified of going back home, especially to face a future without his beloved. He cries.
The other plot concerns Rebecca, who turns out to be an avid songstress. Somehow she hooks up with Ricardo, Sir Mix-a-lot's manager, and over a big bowl of noodles, she confides to him that music is her passion. Ricardo offers her a chance to audition for back-up vocals and maybe even record her own song. The juxtaposition of Rebecca's girlish warbling and a famous hip-hop producer is a little surprising, folks, since Sir Mix-a-lot is most known in these parts as the creator of "Baby Got Back". Rebecca has very little back, but nonetheless, she gets her big chance.
Even I'm impressed, but her roommates seem utterly oblivious. When Rebecca mentions that she's going to be recording a song, Stephen replies "a singing song?" Of her longtime friend Chris, who is there to help record said singing song, Stephen exclaims, "Oh, I thought you picked him up at Sir Mix-a-lot's house!" When Rebecca plays her song, "Innocence", for her housemates, they barely make a comment. Lindsay vaguely says, "I really like how it comes together." Nathan asks, "Who's that singing?" Maybe he's worried that he's actually hearing the phantom voice of Hot-Ass Lisa, and his conscience is making him suffer. I admit that the song isn't my cup of tea, but geez, show a little more enthusiasm for a housemate, guys! If my hubby, The Filthy Critic, recorded a song with Sir Mix-a-lot, I'd be cheering him on every step of the way, even though the only song he knows by heart is the theme to "The Tiki Room" at Disneyland. He spices up the lyrics himself.
Number of times Dave appears shirtless: Not a one.
The most annoying character? My vote goes to Nathan this week. Cut down on that booze, sonny, or every hot ass will be lost to you!
Next time: It's the episode that Mrs Filthy dreads most! The casts
of "Road Rules" and "The Real World" have a splash-off.
©1999 by Randy Shandis Enterprises. All rights reserved.