September 28, 1999
Our Little Runaway.
Warning! Danger! This installment of "The Real World" is extremely verbal. I concede that an abundance of chatter, soliloquies, and even the occasional tirade characterize this program, but this week, the topics of conversation are limited to two subjects. 1) Justin's Master Plan to Make Everyone Miserable and 2) Justin's Inevitable Exit. Suddenly, our little man is the talk of the town, except that no one seems to like him much, not even his old henchwoman Kaia, who may finally have come into the wisdom of her advanced years.
It doesn't take long for Amaya and Colin to figure out that they've been had. Amaya, swaddled snugly against the possibility of blizzards, asks Colin once more about his "huge attitude", and he finally reveals the substance of his conversation with Justin. With what appears to be an intense appreciation of the irony of the situation, Amaya then tells Colin what Justin said to her. Or, maybe she's just entertaining thoughts of shoving Blondie off the top bunk. A battle of the bleach jobs, perhaps?
Unfortunately for us, there's no physical violence this time, only more yakking. Colin talks to Kaia about what Justin said to him, Kaia talks to Colin about what Justin said to her. Amaya and Colin talk some more about what Justin said to them both and about what they should say to Justin. Amaya even takes the time to send a special message to Justin via the confessional booth, "How dare you... make us look like schmucks!" Well, sweetie-pie, he's not the only one to blame for that. The only one who doesn't seem to be talking is Justin, who is sequestered with his headphones and laptop.
Justin might be really spooked to know that two very dimwitted people have suddenly grasped his whole evil plan, but he has other things going on in his life right now. Great-Aunt Gladys, "a lovely tiny woman", is suffering a terminal case of pancreatic cancer, and Justin is very concerned about this. Indeed, there is a whole family jubilee of illness going on back east, and Justin is anxious to get back home. Bien sur, if I were less charitable, I would attribute Justin's itchy feet to a distinct lack of desire to be confronted about his actions. But, I'll leave that conclusion up to you, my sweets.
Oddly enough, dearies, Justin doesn't even seem to remember that he went on a binge of scheming not that long ago. He tries to hold a conversation with Kaia, but she has very little to say to him. Sacre bleu! Is the world coming to an end when Miss Margaret plays mum? Notorious chatterboxes Teck and Matt don't have much to say either. Double sacre bleu! And, to add to the discombobulation, Justin's hair mysteriously switches to brown and back to blond again. Not that I would ever imply that the editing on "The Real World" is suspect. Oh heaven forfend that I should be such a cynic!
So, Justin whines about Kaia's avoidance of him (after he's invested so much in her acquaintance!) and cries about his sick relatives and prepares to skedaddle out of the tropical den of intrigue. When he tells Matt of his plans to leave, Matt only responds with a few wary questions. Colin seems shocked, but pleased to get the bottom bunk. Amaya continues her needlework. No one seems too broken up by Justin's announcement. The true rub comes when Justin learns what Kaia has said about his machinations. Don't laugh, but I think the little hell-spawn feels betrayed. And, kids, there we have the only revenge we'll get this season.
Justin packs up and takes a moment to say good-bye to everyone's favorite presence on the show... the house! We're treated to flashbacks of all of those special memories of the season- remember when Ruthie was passed out drunk? when Kaia talked about her dead dad? when Teck asked Justin about his sexual orientation? Wasn't it heartwarming? Heck, I'd want to leave, too.
For comic relief, Colin and Amaya strive to have a non-romantic weekend in Kauai, and it seems that they succeed. They also succeed in being completely uninteresting. While Colin is admiring the flora of The Garden Isle, Amaya is admiring her appearance as Bianca, who is either a capri pants-wearing hussy or "a little old lady with poop in her pants." She wears chunky mall-rat sandals that eat away the skin on her feet. And, Colin finally comes out of the closet, at least according to Amaya's journal.
Who's Shirtless This Week? Colin works it a little harder this week, baring his robust chest twice. Justin is shirtless in one scene but is mostly covered by water, like the slimy eel he is. For those of you who prefer the bottom half, there's an impressive, yet random shot of a disembodied butt crack riding a bicycle. Bon appetit!
Real World Vengeance Tip of the Week: All that stuff about "revenge being a dish best served cold" is a bunch of hooey. If you want to get payback, do it quick before the little monkey leaves the joint!
Most Annoying Character? Justin wins again, but for the last time, mes amis. Not only was he whiny, manipulative, and deceptive, he didn't even provide us with a suitably entertaining blowout upon his exit. Ho hum.
Next Week: Scoot on over, Amaya's movin' in!
©1999 by Randy Shandis Enterprises. All rights reserved.