Mrs Filthy's Real World Review

September 19, 2000


Since Matt the Albino proved utterly impervious to Julie's advances, our apple-cheeked maiden/ "hornball" is forced to troll for male attention elsewhere. We see her drooling all over herself at a local restaurant, and it's not over the menu, dearies. One goateed waitperson named Baxter has caught Julie's eye, and luckily enough, she has Danny there to make sure he's cute enough for her.

At dinner, although we may know Julie as the relatively chaste Real Worlder, she works her repertoire of flirtatious glances until Baxter looks positively cowed. These are not the flaxen eyebrows of one who is pure-as-snow! Of course, Kelley and Danny cannot resist getting involved in this budding romance, and they don't mince words at all. They ask Baxter his dating status and age, and they even get the opinions of his coworkers. They then let this prospective boy-toy know that Julie digs his bootie. They even try to get Julie to hug Baxter. Julie balks, remembering that it's best to be married before indulging in that sort of cootie-sharing.

Julie doesn't exactly appreciate this assistance from her housemates; she vociferously calls them "retards." But, she does leave the restaurant with Baxter's number. And she does call him. This is all part of her endeavor to get out and taste the world before her tastebuds are all old and wrinkled. So, her experience of the world will now be enlarged by exactly one episode of "The Sopranos," watched with a goateed waiter.

But, first, our ingenue must stop by a local coffee shop, which features Mon Dieu an open mike night! Julie suffers from a certain degree of stage fright, and yet, she does want to share her melancholy meanderings with the caffeinated crowd. At the coffee shop, she hangs out with a young man named Matt; this Matt doesn't seem nearly as socially backward as Real Worlder Matt, but he does play piano in coffee shops. I guess it's six of one, half a dozen of the other, my loves.

Anyway, she and the non-albino Matt actually have something to talk about, music, and they get along easy as pie. Julie suddenly seems to be surrounded by guys, and this complicates her life. She ends up ditching Matt AND arriving late for her rendezvous with Baxter. She shows some misgivings about the latter, muttering to herself, "Stupid, stupid. I don't even know this person!" We learn later that non-albino Matt is gay, so Julie can rest easy, knowing that she's probably only hurt his feelings and not any chances for nookie.

Later, non-albino Matt ditches all of his classes just to drop by the Belfort Mansion and practice music with Julie. He encourages her to play publicly, and Julie finally goes for it. She says, "There's no reason not to share it (music) with other people." Au contraire! Sad songs written in high school, written for therapeutic purposes, featuring rivers and storms and abandonment these should not be shared! These should be kept deep within the scrapbook with the teary-eyed kittens on the cover!

But, Julie proceeds to share, albeit nervously. Danny says, "It's easy to see Julie as a naïve, simple-minded kid," but he admits that her deeply felt songs have impressed him. Of course, worldly, jaded, brilliant kids don't go around to coffee shops singing melancholy tunes and then apologizing for them, like Julie does. After her brief set is over, Julie vows to write some happy music.

You can be sure, mes amis, that Julie is hearing happy, happy bells after what happens next. Baxter invites her and the other housemates to a party, and Julie, in the spirit of trying new things, agrees to fight a girl named Squirrel. Quelle horreur! Julie must be awfully sheltered, because where I come from, one never pushes one's luck with a girl named after a rodent! Julie thinks this is going to be a ladylike duel, just for fun, but Squirrel is out to bust some nuts. When the dust clears, Julie's face is swelling, and Baxter just doesn't seem as appealing as he once did. I mean, he hangs out with a girl named Squirrel.

Earlier in this episode, we see Kelley and Danny gossiping about their fellow cast members. They complain about standoffish housemate David, and then about a phony, vomit-inducing housemate. Well, we know that this could describe just about anyone in the Belfort Mansion, but Jamie happens to be walking by at the moment, and it's pretty clear that they mean him. It's unclear how much of their discussion he hears, but Jamie seems pretty crushed when the two backbiters freeze him out. Tail between his legs, he crawls back to the corner with Melissa. Melissa announces that the housemates have formed teams, as if this doesn't happen every single season! "This is so third grade," Jamie says. And that's why we like it!

Jamie is taking his ostracism pretty hard and wants to know why he's not the most popular boy in the house, goshdarnit! He probably remembers when his mom said that when people don't include you, it's only because they're jealous. Jamie attempts to have a heart-to-heart with Kelley, and only aggravates her further when he tells her that she should "take ownership of her feelings" and accuses her of BMW-envy, lust and bias against rich, white fraternity members. That's quite a tall order, darlings! Kelley replies that Jamie is vain and "talking out of (his) ass." Any potential dialogue is stymied when Jamie calls Kelley a "psycho-woman."

Some unspecified amount of time later, Kelley and Jamie talk again. Kelley is still visibly piqued, but this conversation doesn't end in blows. Instead, they can agree that they both must deal with stereotypes of rich, white assholes. Kelley explains that she figured Jamie was supposed to be her cast "counterpart," and when they didn't click, she was "confused." Dearies, I understand it to be rather like a defective set of Barbie paperdolls, one in which Ken dates Midge or Francine instead of Barbie. Does this solve anything? Not really, but if there's one thing I've learned from "The Real World," it's that talking can solve anything... in less than a half hour. This is no exception; Jamie and Kelley now appear no closer to tearing each other's hair out than at the beginning of the show.

Did You Know? According to E! Online, Danny and Kelley indulged in some housemate hubba-hubba during taping. Why don't we see any of this action? Evidently, Danny and Kelly asked the producers not to show their dallying, and the producers- shock of all shocks- agreed.

Who's Shirtless: Not a single shirtless torso in the bunch this week, my buttercups.

Who Cries: Julie sheds a few tears over her inability to get close to the opposite sex. But if the opposite sex gets you involved in foxy-boxing, it's probably better to stay far, far away.

Most Annoying: Jamie wins again! And, contrary to his bloated opinion, I'm not giving him this award just because I saw him driving a BMW.

Best Quote: This week, a visitor to the house contributes these words of wisdom, "You're afraid to be loud. 'Cause if you're loud, more people will hear you."

In Two Weeks: Julie's parents come to take her away!

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This Week, Mrs. Filthy's Reading:

Remembrance of Things Past by Marcel Proust