Mrs Filthy's "Real World" Review


August 17, 1999

Kaia Likes to Share

I often wonder just how these industrious youths spend their paltry leisure hours. Twenty-four hours a day is barely enough time for their arduous schedule of club-hopping, sleeping, lounging, and the occasional public appearance. When do these poor kids have fun? You'll be reassured to know at least that Teck is attending live music performances. He especially enjoys the "off the hook" stylings of Pharcyde.

Hmm... what canny editing by "The Real World" staff! Not two seconds after Kaia has just announced how picky and how lonely she is, she finds herself standing next to Pharcyde member Tre at a dusky, crowded bar. Mais oui, she was standing next to many other people, but Tre is the lucky one she picks out for her destiny. Pickiness satisfied, she invites the young man for a moonlight beach stroll. This impresses Teck to no end.

Kaia uses all of her feminine charms, including hair flipping and gum smacking to reel the guy in. She senses "a calm, honest, goodness" in Tre, and indeed, he did seem rather a quiet sort. I was even encouraged when he quipped, "Silence is good, too." Way to drop a hint, Tre! But then, a shocker, Tre spews Kaia-esque advice right back to Dear Gabby herself! At least Kaia has the grace not to feel upstaged. Indeed, she seems to like Tre even more for his bits o' wisdom.

Alas, alack, love isn't the only thing on Kaia's mind. Kaia's dad died when she was eighteen, and she's finally realizing that he isn't coming back. So it's taken thirty years? He must've been some dad. She and Justin go to a AIDS quilt display and think about the people they've lost to AIDS. Kaia cries. Justin consoles her with a lei, since he's uncomfortable giving her advice. By now, Justin has probably realized not to mess with the master.

Kaia feels "like she could cry forever", but instead she valiantly channels some of this emotion into her Important Writing. "I feel I have a lot to share," she asserts, and indeed, she is not afraid to share it publicly. Even Tre is there to hear her imagined dialogue with her dead dad about charcoal sketches. They share peace, but then Tre reminds Kaia that his tour moves on in just a few days. So, he narrowly misses one of Kaia's "organic" dinners. Whew.

Even after sharing with everyone in sight, Kaia is awfully wound up. She needs a vacation from her vacationesque existence, so she and Justin fly to the big island to climb volcanoes and reflect upon trust issues. After this rejuvenating weekend, she is ready to connect with Tre and put her head on his lap. "Give me life!" she hollers, like a female Dorian Grey. So, mes amis, where do you think she hides the hideous painting?

I don't know about you all, sweeties, but the real reason I wanted to see this week's episode was to learn where the kiddies would be vacationing this year. No longer are these annual jaunts a mere pretext for bikinis and rock-hard pecs; as it turns out, every episode is a pretext for bikinis and rock-hard pecs. The vacation now functions as a mini-geography and social studies lesson- sorta like the Discovery Channel, except that our guides don't always know how to spell their location.

Anyway, a map of the world arrives in the mail, along with the stipulation that the roommates have to unanimously choose a destination within 24 hours. The kids are so excited that they waste precious minutes chanting "24 hours!" repeatedly. Colin fancies Africa, Amaya favors Japan, but Justin wants to go to India. He wants it bad. And, he's prepared to do whatever it takes to persuade all his colleagues that they want to go to India, too. So, nyet, you won't get to see Ruthie and Boris Yeltsin in a drinking contest.

But, just how will Justin convince everyone else? Just like all good generals, Justin first builds a loyal core of followers. He, Ruthie, and Matt hike to the top of Diamondhead, and once the General has a captive audience, he regales them with the wonders of India. No one leaves this mountain until they promise to vote for India, dammit!

Once they return to the lowlands, they have to convert the heathens. Amaya feels Justin is being pushy about India (and she should know all about pushiness!), but in the end, there isn't much of a fuss as the other housemates give up their travel dreams. Even Amaya squeals, "Taj Mahal... that's all I want to see!" Teck yodels incoherently into his now ever-present videocamera. How very Blair Witch.

Who's Shirtless This Week? Teck and Justin each have only one shirtless scene. I guess everyone's nipples were chapped after last week's extravaganza.

Real World Courtship Secret of the Week: If someone is standing next to you, he is fated to be your soulmate forever and ever. Please, my dears, watch where you stand.

Most Annoying Character? Kaia's little forehead dot mutates throughout this week's episode. Is it foreshadowing for the upcoming voyage, or a mere symbol of her pretentiousness?

Next Week: Ruthie resumes the lush life.

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