Where we discuss MTV's Beloved "Real-Life" Soap Opera August 04, 1998   This week: Oh, God. Here Come the Waterworks.   Is it possible for a love story to grate on one's nerves? This episode, which continues the lachrymose saga of Kira and Dave, provides a resounding "You bet your sweet bippy!" While cooing over the phone to Kira, Dave exclaims, "It really happens!" Does he mean discount long distance rates? An alternative to 1-900 numbers? Well, darlings, it turns out that he's referring to the big L- the big, mushy, creme-centered L. But, here's a question, folks. When Kira is at last able to visit Dave in Seattle, will they have to pretend to be on the phone to sustain the romance? Dave is so excited about Kira's visit that his hair springs straight up from his forehead, giving him the appearance, if only briefly, of a hydrocephalic. Here, in Dave's unruly follicles, is proof that the Real World is Real! No hairdressers assisted this young man! Nosirree! The rest of the housemates like Kira ok, so one source of Real World fireworks is thrown out the window (alas, no repeat of the Joe and his she-male Nicki from the Miami season). Indeed, the entire cast gather 'round and listen to campfire tales of Dave and Kira's "disruptive" love. I could almost see the chills travelling up and down their spines. The excessive cuddling and affectionate street brawling get pretty old pretty fast. Luckily, the animosity sets in before the second commercial break. You see, mes amis, Kira has sacrificed her job, her friends, her whole lifestyle, to be with Dave. I agree, it doesn't make much sense, but there you go. Now, Kira would like Dave to make a similar sacrifice to feed the fires of their smoldering infatuation. Dave, however, is not willing to leave the fame and glory of being a Real World cast member. This causes some tension. At what could be the most humorous point in the show, Kira walks out on Dave, only to call him moments later from a gas station phone to discuss their oh-so-complex relationship. It seems that old phone habits die hard. "All I can do is be me," opines Dave. Kira might not be satisfied with that; she wants Dave to be with her all the time, which would be difficult to do if he's gallivanting in front of cameras in Seattle. The two voluble lovebirds steam up the windows of a SUV with their bickering. "It kills me, Kira!" bellows our own little On-The-Waterfront Poster Boy. Kira then disappears for a while, presumably to rest until her ears stop ringing. Dave, under the impression that he "likes a hard day's work," has taken a job at the Pike Street Fish Market, throwing fish at gawking tourists. Maybe he's hoping to get his big break on a Visa commercial! However, we soon see how love can destroy the most conscientious work ethic. During Kira's visit, Dave misses work at the radio station and at the fish market (where he has worked for only 2 days). He doesn't seem too concerned about this. Kira even says at one point that "he makes me nervous, not being nervous." But, the time comes when Dave has to pay the piper. In a one, two blow, Dave receives stern lectures (with considerably saltier language from the fish guys) and threats of termination from both jobs. So, finally, Dave has suffered for his love. Now will Kira be satisfied? He mopes around town in a black turtleneck, because black is how he feels. Of course, this crisis cannot last forever. Kira does eventually call back, and they resume their telephonic exchange of greeting card cliches. Nathan has some apt words of advice for the couple: "Keep your heart open, and always remember where your heart's at." And I might add, my dears, "Keep your open heart near a phone at all times!"   Snowy hijinks provide the comic relief for this installment. While they are handing out bumper stickers and other radio station paraphenalia on the ski slopes, the kids at last tackle extreme sports! You and I and the rest of the television audience finally get a chance to see whether the RW kids' blood will bounce on ice. Funny when people fall down! Nathan fall down! Irene fall down! Janet fall down! Irene drools blood on the snow (and no, it doesn't bounce). Rebecca tries to dupe a snowboarder to eat a donut (with extreme sprinkles) in one bite. He, being the extreme soul that he is, gives it a shot, but is unable to vanquish said donut. Number of times Dave appears shirtless: 1 The Most Annoying Character? I'm beginning to see a pattern here, darlings. Dave continues to astonish me with his rather humid venting about his true love and how "real" it is. Next Week: The RW kids visit Nepal and scare some sherpas.   Want to tell Mrs. Filthy something? ©1999 by Randy Shandis Enterprises. All rights reserved.