Where we discuss MTV's Beloved "Real-Life" Soap Opera

July 28, 1998


This week: Who's The Girl?

After the obligatory urban rain shots, this episode opens with Nathan describing a dream he had about Irene. WAS IT her in a see-through nightie? No. WAS IT her eating a big yellow banana? No. In the dream, Irene was naked and had an enormous set of male genitals. Irene isn't offended by the implication of hermaphroditic elephantiasis, though. She figures that Nathan is having a hard time dealing with women just now and perhaps isn't accustomed to having a female friend. Indeed, Nathan posits that Irene is the kind of girl with whom he can freely discuss his sexual conquests without having to put the moves on her. Never mind that Irene may not want to hear all about his stunted sex life.

We next see Dave in a phone booth, surreptitiously "giving his heart to a woman"; he uses that inept greeting-card phrase about half a dozen times in 25 minutes. What's more, he's not giving his love grudgingly, like he usually does. Oh no. So, this long-distance experience is "exciting and new!", much like the "Love Boat." So, WHO IS this girl? WHERE DID Dave meet this angel? If you can wait 20 minutes, all will be revealed. That 's suspense in the MTV universe.

The gang begins to get curious when Dave says vague things like, "I'm going for a walk by myself." Or, "I needed to settle some issues." IS THIS mere adolescent angst, or IS THIS evidence of a secret love interest? IS DAVE in love with the Aubbie-creature? WHAT ABOUT her kitty BOO? If you fall for that red herring, you're no better than the other RW cast members. Dave expresses his anger at having to keep his enormous pulsating love a secret, so WHY DOES he have to keep it a secret? WHO COULD BE SO HORRIBLE THAT AMERICA ISN'T ALLOWED TO MEET HER? The mind reels.

On a lighter note, Dave goes shopping for his invisible gal-pal and impresses the shop-dude with his knowledge of ancient Roman bathhouses.

But of course, it isn't long before Dave's back in the phone booth chewing up his guts. His lady seems to be chewing up her guts, too, because only the pain of masticating one's own intestines could make a halfway-intelligent person utter inane phrases such as "words written in stone that can never be broken." They both conclude that Dave needs to "figure out his life." And, get some chewing gum, Dave! Organ transplants are mighty expensive these days.

So, Dave cries and moans about his heavy, heavy heart some more, and suddenly, all is revealed. His lady love, Kira by name, was one of the people in charge of choosing the RW cast! This is way illegal in the RW lawbooks, and so, the love between Dave and Kira takes on a whole new tortured dimension. He loves her so much that he wrote 17 whole pages about her - just imagine 17 whole pages of love-addled blather! This love is real! It's real and it's featured on the Real World! Really! "Don't be scared about it!" he exhorts. But, I can't help but be scared, darlings!

The "wacky" portion of this week's episode centers upon the celebration of Irene's birthday. She doesn't want anyone to forget it, so she's been leaving little hints all over the place. She says she wants a hot male stripper for her birthday. Janet and Lindsay are on cake detail. Lindsay, the big kooky nut, buys re-lighting candles! Oh, what a hoot that will be! When the girls run out of icing, Janet decides to use ketchup to spell Irene's name, because "only Irene can appreciate that sort of thing." After the cake is made, they stick it in a rat-infested cupboard for safekeeping; I suppose only Irene can appreciate bubonic plague, too. While the guys prepare the house for Irene's "trailer park birthday," complete with cheeseburgers, Hot Tamales, and trolls, the girls go to a bar. Irene drinks a shot, and asks, "Is this supposed to be good?"

And, then, the party begins in earnest. Nathan plays Irene her namesake song, and she giggles uncontrollably and covers her face. So, I guess she does appreciate the surprises her roommates cooked up for her, just as they said she would. They all go out to celebrate, the boogie-down way, and suddenly, Irene's happy birthday turns ugly. Nathan, disgruntled because Stephanie hasn't called all day, gets drunk and says mean things to the birthday girl. Everyone is pretty blitzed, but not blitzed enough that Nathan's toxic spewings go unnoticed. The girls decide that there's a side to Nathan that "needs special attention". I would recommend the swift-kick-in-the-pants type of special attention.

But, Irene's a strong kid and espouses her beliefs in the glory of girlhood. "There's nothing sexier than what's in a girl's mind," she informs us. She and Nathan sort out their drunken interaction while he brushes his teeth; it makes for a charming television moment, and for good dental hygiene as well.

This Episode's Most Annoying Character: Big surprise... it's Dave! If you thought Dave was a little too into himself before, just wait 'til you see the mopey, self-involved puddle of goo he becomes under the influence of luv!

Next Week: Dave's "Lady" comes to visit... and gives him the ol' heave-ho.


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