July 27, 1999
A Gay Old Time
The 7 Strangers are still arranging free entertainment for Local Motion, but evidently they're scraping the bottom of the local talent barrel. Within the first five minutes of this episode, I was cringing at some stand-up comedian's feeble ramblings. Sweeties, if I wanted to listen to this sort of inanity, I would patronize the Laff Hut in the strip mall up the street. For more personal reasons, Justin doesn't exactly appreciate jokes about gay Barbies, either. Actually, who does? I'll bet you a Super Surf Skipper that Mattel doesn't.
The situation intensifies when Calvin, Matt, and Justin visit a radio station to promote the concerts. The disk jockeys, a typical Breakfast Club Zoo, pepper their banter with vibrator jokes and whistle sound effects. Sacre bleu, the very cutting edge of radio! To fit in, Matt eagerly chatters about his infatuation with the local wahinis. Justin tries to explain to Matt that heterosexual men rarely consider that their macho comments might not always be appreciated. Matt doesn't seem to understand what the problem is and chalks it up to Justin's melancholy hypersensitivity. He calls Justin "heterophobic", a term he mistakenly believes that he has invented with his big, boring brain.
Verbal assaults aren't the only thing bothering Justin. Every night, he is privy to the seismic activity of his bunk bed. Colin and Amaya haven't yet put up a sign that says, "If this bed's a-rockin', don't come a-knockin'," but it's apparent that Justin doesn't feel comfortable in his own room. When he asks Amaya to find another sleeping arrangement, she immediately dissolves into tears and mucus. Colin becomes indignant. Never mind that it's a basic violation of etiquette to disturb a roommate with incessant and obnoxious copulation, the now inseparable pair feel that they have justice on their side. That evil gay man is inconveniencing them! Justin isn't so sure he wants these people to know him after all.
Soon enough, however, Justin's temper cools, and he reconsiders his role in the whole escapade. Maybe he should laugh the whole thing off, he tells a navel-gazing Kaia. Justin then reveals one of the events in his past that has made him especially wary; his first boyfriend was sent to a seminary after the folks found out about the liason, and at the tender age of sixteen, Justin was almost arrested for statutory rape. Unsurprisingly, Kaia doesn't even blink an eye before turning the discussion back to her own feelings about her dead father. Is it ego, or just a problem with her hearing aid?
Counselor Kaia later steps in and tries to patch things up between Matt and Justin. Matt thinks that Justin is perhaps not comfy with his own emotions, whatever that means, but he's determined to medicate the sad lad with "a healthy dose of kindness". It's obvious that he still doesn't understand what all the fuss is about, though. Justin, meanwhile, proposes some guidelines for future performers. Teck objects since these politcally correct guidelines would interfere with the natural right of comics to offend people.
In the end, Justin is determined not to ruin his relationship with his roommates and sends Amaya, Colin, and Matt peace offerings. This sojourn in Hawaii is short, and "it's too good here," he opines. From what I've been hearing, kids, his time in Hawaii is even shorter than he expects.
Amaya secures an internship at Kathy Muller Agency, and suddenly, some of her roommates are yearning for superstardom. We learn that Kaia does indeed like to see herself on tv (big surprise). She describes herself as an "aspiring actress", and reveals that modelling is one of the ways she wants to use her body "to express a number of things." I'm almost afraid to ask what she aims to express. The agency also takes a gander at Colin's All-American Man-Boy looks. Kaia, Colin, and Amaya all audition for JapanTV, but the auditioners seem especially interested in Colin. They even break out the ol' tape measure. Could Colin's become the most famous chest in Japan?
And let's not forget Kaia's scatter-brained scheme to fast for seven days. Justin joins her mostly out of boredom, even though Kaia is sure that there is some "deep connection" between them. By the end of the first day, the two are so lightheaded and miserable that Kaia slurs her words, and Justin throws up. This doesn't deter Kaia, however; only Amaya's offer of lentil soup brings Kaia back from the brink of self-involved starvation.
Who's Shirtless This Week? Again, Colin is the only one to bare his pecs (3 scenes); he even gets them measured for posterity!
Real World Diet Secret of the Week! A diet solely of lemon juice, cayenne, and maple syrup can lead to a delicious kind of delirium.
Most Annoying Character? Matt wants so badly for everyone to perceive him as Mr. Achingly Sensitive, but when it comes right down to it, honeys, he's about as understanding as a lump of lava.
Next Week: Ruthie's drunken exploits finally have some Real World consequences.
©1999 by Randy Shandis Enterprises. All rights reserved.