Mrs Filthy's "Real World" Review


July 20, 1999

A Sucker for Romance

It had to happen sometime, dearies. Colin is finally snapping under the strain of Amaya's rather oppressive attentions. When Amaya jokingly confesses her predilection for dwarves, Colin growls, "Good thing I'm not your man!" The conversation quickly declines from there. After establishing that they both do not want to spend the rest of their lives together, Colin ups the ante. "I don't want to spend another day with you," he snorts. Amaya and the Twins can only retaliate with physical violence, even though this tactic is inevitably hair-mussing.

But, punches and kicks do not scare surly Master Colin for long, my friends. He shows nothing but disdain for Amaya's choice of lipstick and ridicules Amaya's incessant and voluble pleas for cuddling. He tells a pal that Amaya and the Twins only like his bed because "there's a wiener in it." As a food storage method, this seems rather unsanitary to me, but I guess if Amaya is accustomed to a bedtime snack, it's nice of Colin to keep her favorite processed meat nearby.

Wieners notwithstanding, Amaya doesn't necessarily like how she's being treated, but she can't seem to stop herself from pursuing this sour young lad. She calls herself "a sucker for romance." Kaia, in her Sage Old Advisor mode, tells Amaya that Colin is young and has hang-ups and that Amaya shouldn't beat herself up for liking him. She should beat him up instead! Matt gets into the counseling act, too. Is Colin a jerk, or is he "Mr. Sweet Pea"? Matt thinks Colin ought to be either one or the other, but not both. I vote for Jerky Colin! Hurt feelings are so much more telegenic.

Amaya and the Twins have a hammock-side confrontation with the bashful beau, and two requests are made. The first is, "Don't go out of your way to be nice to me. Just be nice to me." The second is some vague plea to open up to life and love and the other housemates. Is Amaya proposing nookie with everyone in the Chez Aloha? Probably not, but once she and her two spherical compatriots make this conquest, I wouldn't put anything past them. Colin agrees to the first request but brushes off the second like day old lint.

Now that his defense is weakened, Colin crumbles like one sad cookie. He hypothesizes that his motherless upbringing caused him to be afraid of love (and presumably to write long gloomy entries in his journal). From there, it's a quick hop, skip, and a jump to surrendering to the ministrations of Amaya and her matronly mammaries. They cuddle and ruffle each other's hair like young muskrats in love. When Colin buys Amaya some dinner, it's enough to make her weep. And imagine, not even a single wiener on the menu! So I guess their couplehood is now official, folks. Beware the nookie that will inevitably follow.

Speaking of nookie, Teck likes it. He overwhelms his housemates with the sheer numbers of ladies he brings into the house. One notable visitor is Leilani, whose fashion preferences verge on the invisible. Matt is so stunned by Leilani's see-through blouse, that he eagerly encourages Amaya to check her out. Amaya tries to be nonchalant in her surveillance mission, but any pretense of subtlety is lost when she asks Teck if Leilani is really a sex industry professional.

Teck has never been in love, but he has loved women "enough to tell them to leave him alone." Evidently, my sweets, he also loves women enough to bellow coarse endearments from moving vehicles. Along comes fierce Andrea, a yoga instructor, massage therapist, artist, and musician. Teck muses upon "a glow about her that kinda sucked me in". Oh, did I forget to mention that she's also a nuclear waste technician?

It begins to seem rather serious when Andrea extends her island vacation just to spend more time with Teck. Teck even introduces her to his visiting parents and says that his father would probably approve of a Teck-Andrea union. Still, Andrea heads home to her plethora of professions, and Teck immediately reverts to his wild oat sowing.

Who's Shirtless This Week? This week, only Colin's nips see the light of day, with the Housemate Shirtlessness Index (HSI) at an all-time low of two.

Real World Headgear Secret of the Week! What piques the ladies' interest? Amber goggles and jester hats... really!

Most Annoying Character? If Colin and Amaya are going to be liplocked for the rest of the season, can they be counted as one doubly annoying character? Wait, if I count the Twins, we could have the Most Annoying Quartet of the Week!

Next Week: Justin does still live in the house. We know this because his rampant breeder-phobia will soon instigate some sort of brouhaha.

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