First aired: July 14, 1998
The topic: No Stephen is an island.
My sweets, the atmosphere of the house is finally heating up, but it's only because the thermostat is turned up to a sweltering 90 degrees Fahrenheit. Nathan accuses Stephen of roasting them all in a futile attempt to re-create San Diego in Seattle. Stephen gruffly claims ignorance and then retreats into his craggy ol' shell.
Not only is Stephen the Pitiful Tortoise feeling excluded by his housemates, he's just broken up with his lady friend Natasha. And, dearies, I do mean that he is "broken up". He shows Lindsay photos of his ex and mulls over the sad fact that Natasha "can do things for (him) that no one in the house can do." He calls his former love and tries to make her feel guilty about his loneliness. Natasha wisely stays mum about the whole situation.
All of Stephen's loneliness and bitterness feeds on itself, making Stephen a Space Needle-sized pain in the ass. Sure, the taxi doesn't show up, he's late to work, his girlfriend doesn't love him, and his roommates ignore him. It's a bad day for the boy, mes amis, and Stephen decides to share his misery in an extremely vocal manner. At first, the other roomies are shocked and dismayed at his bilious tirade. Then, the boys all exchange idle threats of "ass-kicking", because that is what these boys do. Stephen sulks the rest of the evening. He even out-sulks all the other bus patrons, and take it from me, dears, that's hard to do! As soon as Stephen is out of sight, the remaining housemates begin a euphoric food fight in a Benihana-style restaurant. "See how much fun we have when you're not here, Stephen!", they seem to be taunting.
Stephen confers with his best friend about his "3rd wheel" status among the roommates. What does he have against tricycles, anyway? His sage pal recommends that he "kill 'em with kindness". The idea of being civil to people proves to be such a revelation to young Stephen, that his mood immediately improves. He apologizes to Nathan and Dave as soon as they get home from partying. Nathan and Stephen even hug, so we know, dearies, that we will be cheated of an entertaining scuffle.
Stephen may have cleared up his misunderstanding with his roomies, but he still has girl trouble. He gets stinking drunk and stumbles into the communal bathroom, asking for Nathan to help him. Help him what? To tell you the truth, kids, I was afraid to watch. But, the producers have been merciful to us this time. There's even a touching moment when Stephen finally lets go of all the hurt. As he flushes his vomit, he also symbolically flushes his longing for Natasha. Now he's at peace. "I hate the bitch," he confides to his new bud Nathan. What a tender, happy ending.
All this angst arrives at an appropriate time, Valentine's Day! From watching these youngsters, one would assume that Valentine's Day was some sort of inhumane punishment. Most of the kids don't celebrate this holiday, except to whine about their lack of romantic prospects or to receive a singing wombat from Gramma. Janet lends Nathan her feminine intuition in buying Stephanie a present. We learn that they're both loopy as loons, since they settle on some giant freakish Betty Boop thing. Evidently, Nathan hopes that this item will gain him Stephanie's approval.
Janet is also looking for approval, but not from some whiny blond girlie. You see, her parents had expected her to be the "Ally McBeal" of the family, when she really only expects to be the "Suddenly Susan" of the family. The folks frown upon her televised hijinks and her long-distance independence. Not only does Janet have parent trouble, she doesn't have a Valentine, either. All of these factors combine to make her "crabby" at the Valentine's Day mass wedding sponsored by the radio station. All those gowns and smooches and wedding cakes- boo! However, her "crabbiness" is about as real as Krab-u-luxe. It's nothing that a teddy bear and some flowers from her folks can't fix.
Number of times Dave is shirtless: The young man tired out his chest in the previous episode, so he took a break today.
The Most Annoying Character? Stephen sulks when he's sober, weeps and vomits when he's drunk. This doesn't exactly make him the most popular fellow in Seattle.
Next Week: Dave, returning to his military roots, boogies with
a transvestite bedecked in camoflauge.
©1999 by Randy Shandis Enterprises. All rights reserved.