July 9, 2002
Gone With the Wind
Is Tonya ready to go home? I'd think the packed bags and boxes standing in the foyer would be offer a significant clue. "We've done what we're supposed to do, and now we're leaving," she announces with nary a tear. She's itching to get home to her beau, Justin. Or, maybe she's just trying to avoid Cara's sappy singing, my pets.
It seems that Cara's pal Matt is in town, and they plan to perform a little folk music at the Local Grind, their nearby coffee shop. While this may sound about as appealing as seasoned salt in one's latte, the other cast members plan to show support for their ambitious roomie. They certainly aren't going for the music, which, as far as I can tell, is mostly about tears and holding hands.
Cara posts all sorts of signs around the house and tells everyone within earshot about her vocal debut. She's about as subtle as a fire alarm, but Tonya and Chris conveniently "forget." They go to the gym instead, where they can hang out with the scary guys in parachute pants. Chris immediately feels guilty; even staring in the mirror doesn't make him feel better. But, Tonya is a bit defensive. She points out that Cara has sisters and friends to support her. Tonya clearly doesn't want to be guilty of overwhelming Cara with support!
So, Tonya and Chris miss hearing about how love is like a warm summer's day, and by the time they meet up with the rest of the gang, the atmosphere has gone distinctly chilly. Cara says, "I don't want to hold a grudge (yes, she does), but I'm disappointed." Tonya replies, "Well, I don't feel bad at all." Cara asks Tonya to move to a seat further away. Tonya refuses. We're about to witness a catfight among the fettuccine, but then Tonya moves, and Cara remembers that they're all leaving soon.
Cara has just told Aneesa (among others) that she's fed up with Tonya. And now, she's raising her glass and saying things like, "To forgiveness tonight." There's no transition, no mild indifference or bare tolerance. She goes from hopping mad to sappy in 60 seconds! So, I guess there's resolution for you, my pets. I was wondering how they were going to wrap things up.
But you can rely on Tonya not to go all mushy as month-old yogurt. She tells Justin that she's dreading all the hugs and sloppy speeches and faux tears that goodbyes bring. Meanwhile, Cara seems to be practically salivating over the chance to indulge in a little self-created drama. She reminisces gleefully over the "awesome fights" and her fling with Mr. Rock Star. "I think the seven of us have grown to be a family," she gushes. Don't they say that every year? If the world is just, my sweets, one day a Real Worlder will say, "We just sort of tolerate each other barely."
The kids meet in the hot tub one last time to make nice and wax nostalgic. They eat (and wear!) a hearty and nutritionally balanced breakfast, courtesy of their former bosses. And then, they must bid each other adieu. Tonya must be disappointed, because everybody hugs and smooches her, just as if they liked her. Kyle dispenses romantic advice to Cara and Aneesa, "Be careful; you, with men, and you, with women!" Keri wears a candy necklace and everyone, even Kyle, nibbles. Conflict is clearly so five minutes ago.
Cara is the last one standing. When Kyle leaves, she declares, "There's a little piece of my heart on that train." Why, mes amis, I do believe she's left parts of her heart on all the public transit in Chicago! She's so overwhelmed with emotion that she claims to miss Chris' giddiness and Tonya's bitchiness and Kyle's bull-puckey. Maybe it's a good thing that these kids are finally separated. Otherwise, we'd be treated to group sing-alongs and greeting card sentiments.
Who's Topless? Hot tubs offer chest-baring opportunities for Chris, Kyle, Theo and of course, the exhibitionistic Aneesa.
Who Cries? You have to ask? The final episode always seems to inspire weepiness. Aneesa, Cara, Keri and Kyle all break down.
Most Annoying of the Season: Cara attained the prestigious title more than anyone this season-even more than icky ol' Kyle!
Best Quote: Aneesa says of Theo, "He's the same person I am without the tits!"
Next Week: Oh lucky us, a reunion special!
Want to tell Mrs. Filthy something?