Mrs Filthy's Real World Report


July 06, 1999

The topic: Welcome to Camp Bunim/ Murray!

The annual Valentine's Day episode is already upon us, my dears, and several of the housemates are ready for some liaisons of the most dangereuses kind. While Teck would just as soon sleep with a girl as shake her hand, Colin hopes for something more substantial and enduring. Kaia feels something is missing from her life, but Amaya knows exactly what, or who, she wants.

Most kids learn to stay in their own beds before preschool, but so far Amaya hasn't had much use for her spacious sleeping quarters. She seems to view Colin as a big, hairy security blanket and has inserted herself into his dinky bunk bed. This lass has fully embraced the concept of "Real World As Day Camp", disregarding Teck's previous comments to the contrary. She wants to have fun while she's at camp, and not just wallet-making or canoeing, either. Teck can only gasp in admiration, "Colin is the man".

Colin doesn't seem to relish being pursued as much as Teck imagines, though. He doesn't necessarily want to be the ice cream truck of Amaya's heart. He acknowledges that he and Amaya and the Twins have fun when they're together- it's like a party! However, he doesn't want to start something that will end with the lease to the dream-house. When Amaya and the Twins claim to be enjoying themselves "immensely", Colin replies, "Oh, that's a big word. I like that." So, not only is he wishy-washy, he's patronizing.

But, mais oui, all is not well at this halfway house for misfit children. During a night on the town, Colin meets a brunette vixen and obtains her phone number. Amaya and the Twins then storm off in a "huffy puffy" mood. Later, she confides to Justin (who is forced to witness all this bunk-bed intrigue but at least has something to gossip about the next day) that some guy at the club grabbed her breasts and crotch, and Colin was not there to protect her. Amaya takes over Colin's bed, and yells at her disappointing knight, "Don't sleep in my bed!" He skulks off to the nearest empty bed. There's no doghouse at this place, my dumplings, where is he supposed to go?

Amaya apologizes later, saying that she "doesn't deal well with sexual assault" and that she was just freaking out after her latest experience with a grabby guy. Colin accepts the apology, but tells Amaya that he "needs space". Will Amaya finally get the message?

Nope. She tries even harder and asks this reluctant swain to be her Valentine. Colin says that he will "think about it". Even with their feminine arsenal, Amaya and the Twins are left hanging once again. And, when Teck introduces some of his Honolulu Hotties to a very receptive Colin, Amaya has to drop her needlepoint to inflict another kind of jab. "I don't even think she's that cute," she mews.

It's obvious that Amaya is trying to play The Green-Eyed Monster Game when she starts batting her eyelashes at a basketball player named Trey. She claims that everything is "chilly willy will" and that she has no obligation to Colin whatsoever; on the other hand, she's tells Colin that he's the only one she wants and that he's a silly boy.

In the end, her persistence pays off. Colin belatedly brings some Valentine's Day trinkets back to the hut and leaves them for Amaya and the Twins. Colin has to admit that he's finally softening up like a warm pat of butter. Heavens, one trip to Walgreens and all of the barriers are down! You might want to file that little tip away, my little cabbages.

This week, Kaia is the star of the secondary plot line. Needless to say, she's also the star of her own interior drama. Kaia's main topic of conversation these days is her father and how important she was to him before he died. She claims not to have discussed this with many people, but it seems that the dam has broken, my friends, and now the whole world has to hear things like, "Part of what made him so upset about dying is that he won't be around to help me realize who I am." Well, that and the fact that he was dying...

One evening at Moose McGillicuddy's is enough for Kaia to enchant a gullible young man out of some Janet Jackson tickets. And here's to you, Mrs. Robinson! Kaia isn't interested in a more physical relationship with the callow paramedic Kafari right now, but as she states, "Friends grow on you. That's something I've learned." She's also learned "Fire hot." and "Sabre-tooth tiger scary."

Kaia and Kafari see the show, and Kaia counts it as a roaring success. Not only does she get to tell him all about her dead dad, but Kafari spends a good amount of money on her, too. She isn't used to that kind of attention. Most of the guys she hangs out with just want to regale her with their anecdotes from the Great War. Kaia is absolutely certain that Kafari is priming himself to fall head over heels in love with her. With a note of triumph in her voice, she announces that she has officially blown this stripling away.

Indeed, Valentine's Day arrives, and so does a bouquet of flowers addressed to Kaia. Kafari's note calls Kaia "the most "intelligent, independent, and unique woman I've ever met." Kaia is so inspired by this gift that she uses the opportunity to blather some more about her "search for the ability to love." It's enough to make one give up Valentine's Day for the rest of one's life, sweeties.

Who's Shirtless This Week? Colin wins this week, with a total of three shirtless scenes. Teck twice offers us an anatomy lesson in the human skeletal system, but Kaia is a distant third. She's sans chemise only once, and that doesn't really count because she wraps a towel around her chest.

Real World Health Secret of the Week! Raw garlic is scrumptious and good for you, too!

Most Annoying Character? Will anyone be surprised if I finger Kaia for the title this week? Amaya may be "Godzilla of the Bunk Beds", but Kaia seems convinced that every man's life revolves around her. Even after they're dead...

Next Week: Ruthie tells her roommates to buzz off, but then she doesn't remember a thing about it the next day.


Want to tell Mrs. Filthy something?

Big Empire

Post-it Theater

Las Vegas

Gift Electroniqué

Big Empire Buddies

©1999 by Randy Shandis Enterprises. All rights reserved.