July 4, 2000
Hot, Hot, Hot
On this Independence Day, other people are watching fireworks, attending picnics and parades. I, however, sacrificed all of this in order to watch three callow youths play luv games with one another. I guess that's what America's all about, mes amis. We are, after all, in the part of the season in which the roommates are finally forming attachments to one another. Later this may lead to catfights and sweaty confrontations. Right now, my little radishes, we'll have to settle for flirting and some mild groping. Evidently, we also have to hear the word "hot" used about forty billion times. It's not exactly fireworks, but we don't have much of a choice unless we build and populate our own ultra-trendy mansion.
Kelley has not hitherto been much of "a relationship person;" Jamie is dead set against marriage. Kelley thinks Jamie is easy on the eyes; Jamie calls Kelley beautiful. They both exude an air of confidence and privilege- no class conflicts there, sweeties! It seems natural that Jamie and Kelley would have some sort of fling, no? Hooking up turns out to harbor more complications than we might expect.
The first complication is Jamie. Without breaking a sweat, he can divide all women into two camps: the ones who want to drag his poor floppy-haired self straight to the altar and the ones who won't give him the time of day. Well, no wonder most women aren't interested, Wonder Bread, smart women can smell your kind of bull puckey a million miles away! He does concede, however that if he found a woman who could "rock his world," he'd be "singing off a different sheet of music." This relationship-shy stripling also has the tendency to go on and on about his blessed e-business and to give hickeys to weathered babes in bars.
Then, Kelley has a hard time admitting to her attraction to Jamie. She and Melissa practically discuss nothing else, but at first, the most she'll admit is that Jamie is good-looking, but then she adds, "I don't know if we'd have much to talk about." Don't worry, my dear future weathergirl, I'm sure he'd be happy discussing NeanderthalEyebrows.com for hours and hours and hours! She actually tries to displace her lust by telling Melissa that Jamie finds her cute.
Once she gets a little hooch in her system, however, she's more honest about her lust for Jamie (heavy usage of "hot" here). Mais oui, it only seems right that she then worry about the emotional damage she could suffer if she got mixed up with E-Boy. When Kelley asks Jamie if he'd be open to kissing people in the house, Jamie says that he's open to "a complete option for depth" (does this kid speak English at all?). But he adds that he's got so many other things going on in his life. In other words, it's so easy making out with complete strangers in abandoned alleys; why do anything differently?
Enter Melissa, the third complication. She's also attracted by Jamie's ponderous jaw, but feels that he's in no way available for her immediate fondling. In her words, "I'm a Tootsie Roll to his Godiva." Oh, is it that old class issue again? Or is it just the feeling of inadequacy that wash over her each time she hears the words "mountain biking" or "bungee jumping" from Jamie's lips? When Melissa and Kelley talk about their infatuation with Jamie for the 27th time, they agree that they won't compete for this cad. Heavens to Betsy, are they determined to rob us of every last pleasure? The two smitten lasses also agree that they ought to find their own more attainable, less complicated boys.
And suddenly, the whole question is moot. Kelley spots a medical resident named Peter and introduces herself to him on a whim. At this point, Jamie looks plenty confused; his "forbidden fruit" wasn't supposed to find some other guy, for heaven's sakes! It turns out that Peter fulfills her definition of "smart," "interesting," "nice," and of course, "hot." He even keeps a clean bathroom! He already has a girlfriend, but if she lives in another town, maybe that doesn't really count.
Kelley invites Peter to a drag show in which she, Melissa and Julie strut around while dressed up like Kabuki dolls, and it doesn't scare him away. When she leaves her pancake makeup on, even that doesn't make him run. He does, darlings, work in an emergency room, so he's probably seen much worse. After the drag show, Kelley stays with Peter overnight, causing some of her housemates to think scandalous thoughts. But I knew better, dearies- as long as she still had that makeup on, she'd be as chaste as milk. Skim milk.
Meanwhile, newly coiffed Melissa ("hot!") is hanging around Jamie more and more. She's using her primary strategy of sexual attraction which is to be loud and obnoxious. Jamie, after some alley make-out sessions with boobsy 45-year olds, evidently likes this tres surprising side to Melissa, so much that he's willing to spend some hot tub time with her and Mr. Bubble. He kisses her and she pronounces it "bootielicious." Suddenly, he doesn't seem nearly as unattainable to Melissa's roving hands.
Julie is still angling for Matt, but he's like a cagey trout; he's not jumping at her bait. As a matter of fact, he seems completely oblivious to her attentions. When she invites him to the aformentioned drag perfomance, he growls, "I hate drag queens!" Fearful that she's stumbled onto an uncomfortable topic, she tries to convince him to attend as a personal favor, but he continues his tirade, "They're like really messed up clowns." He does show up, though, and Julie gets a big hug from Matt after her performance. But, although Julie seems poised for a kiss, none is forthcoming. Must she always be disappointed?
Did You Know? The folks at BYU are currently deciding whether to let Julie back in or not.
Who's Shirtless: Jamie is shirtless twice in this episode; one of those scenes involves a jaunty little cap!
Most Annoying: Just for some variety, I will bestow this title upon young master Jamie- his dogged endorsement of his own e-business, his public restroom groping sessions, his confused attitudes about women and most of all his confused use of the language.
Best Quote: It's not so much what Kelley says, as what she doesn't say, "If I wanted Jamie, I could." She stops herself with an giggle, but not before we already know exactly where she's headed.
Next Week: Melissa's scrawny ex comes to visit.