Mrs Filthy's Real World Report


June 29, 1999

The topic: Girls, Girls, Girls!

From the looks of it, the kids have been club-hopping quite a bit lately. Now, the last time I went dancing was at the Christmas Formal at the Northglenn Moose Lodge. That was also the night that the lodge president lost two fingers in a chainsaw accident, so I'm not exactly anxious to go dancing again. But, I feel I have enough experience to evaluate this particular experience. Young people move to the music, flirt, drink. It's natural, darlings, and don't think I disapprove just because I'm old and fat.

Ruthie and Kaia have gravitated towards each other as dancing partners. Kaia says that she "likes Ruthie's energy" and thinks "she's very sweet". Ruthie compliments Kaia's soft hands. They fall asleep in the same bed. Kaia swears to defend Ruthie's ass against all onslaughts and praises her poetry. Many a youthful love affair has been built on less.

But wait, dearies. Is everything on the up and up? Kaia seems to regard this little flirtation as a way to prove her lack of inhibition and prejudice. If the world doesn't applaud Kaia's living to "the nth degree", what good is all this reckless behavior, for heaven's sake? Ruthie is inebriated most of the time. And what about her girlfriend, socked away in some godawful boot camp?

These questions are forgotten in the pulsating rhythms and heat of the local dance scene. Kaia dances with Ruthie, but gingerly, as though she were afraid to shake her osteoporosis-riddled bootie too hard. Ruthie has her hands all over said bootie. On the way home, they swap a decent amount of liquor-laced saliva while Colin and Matt watch and drool. And take photos.

When the hot girlie action pictures arrive, Colin and Matt drool enough to fill the swimming pool. Ruthie, however, is puzzled. She has just seen evidence that she cheated on her girlfriend, but she doesn't remember a single thing about it. When she admits to Kaia that their little encounter has been blanked out by Demon Alcohol, Kaia is insulted. Her lips are unforgettable, by gum! Never mind that Kaia tells a cereal-slurping Amaya that she wouldn't have kissed Ruthie without being liquored up first. Me-ow.

Ruthie, feeling guilty yet befuddled, writes her girlfriend Jess a long confessional letter. Six whole pages of self-flagellation, mes amis! How delicious! When Jess calls, she hasn't received the letter, so Ruthie spills the beans right away. Jess, bless her little heart, isn't angry, and Ruthie is relieved. She states that she doesn't plan to do anything like that again. Of course, she didn't plan to pass out from alcohol poisoning, either. Kaia and Ruthie are reconciled enough to hang out in the Jacuzzi, but the liplocking vibe is clearly over. Or, is it?

The second story centers upon Amaya, who is feeling as whipped as a first-year Tri-Delt pledge. She feels like she has to defend her intelligence to everyone, just because of that pesky sorority-girl stereotype. When she brings up an idea to her roomies, no one listens. The guys won't help her carry heavy objects. She's a girly girl in a strange land, wrecking surfboards and crying in the hot tub. Ruthie assures her that she'll feel more comfortable eventually, but Amaya continues to languish in a low-grade depression. The Twins, however, remain as buoyant as ever.

When the roomies are gathered together, Amaya admits to her homesickness and frustration. Teck scoffs, "This ain't day camp!" But it is, Teck, it is. Kaia is anything but helpful, with her "Are you feeling not acknowledged?" Colin promises not to make offensive comments anymore. Could this be the start of a new romance, my sugar dumplings? Colin asserts, "That's where it ends. Cuddling and flirting." But these two kids are already carrying on like Christopher Atkins and Brooke Shields in "The Blue Lagoon". And thus begins another storyline, folks.

Who's Shirtless This Week? Colin and Matt get in on the topless action this week, but for all very conventional reasons, surfing and swimming. Just to preserve what's left of the already waning frisson, Kaia and Ruthie enjoy some toplessness in the Jacuzzi.

Real World Beauty Secret of the Week! Baby oil makes hands softer than a baby's butt!

Most Annoying Character? Kaia should receive the title just for uttering the sentence, "There's so many layers of depth to this poem." But her self-centered reaction to Ruthie's drink-induced amnesia and her pretensions at being "free" and "open" clinch the prize.

Next Week: Lookin' for love in all the wrong places. Lookin' for love in too many faces.

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