June 22, 1999
The topic: Teck's Manly Manliness
Teck opens this episode with a little surreal testifying, straight from the hot tub. At first, I wasn't sure why he was shouting, "I'm John Wayne!" A weakness for chaps, perhaps? What he means, dears, is that he's chock full of testosterone. A man's man.
Oh, but not in that way, you understand. Teck is obviously a little shaken by Justin's sexual orientation. Why else would he have to spew his macho muchacho-ness all over the television watchers of America? He utters such immortal lines as, "There's no such thing as bisexuality; they're just greedy." And who could forget, "The ony way you're going to get with women is to say, 'Hey, I'm the man!'" Oh my. Whatever happened to a nice candlelit dinner?
He's "a bag of tricks", all right. He wants to hang out with gangstas, but heaven forbid that some gay guy would glance even for a nanosecond at his eentsy weentsy buns. No one must stand in the way of Teck's evolutionary imperative, by gum. He's ready to mate!
In other news, this year's exercise in futility is revealed. The producers of the program have obviously given up trying to find the cast a socially relevant or financially profitable job. Instead, the Tiki Tykes will be in charge of entertainment at a surf shop/ performance cafe. Sound a little shady? You bet, but Kaia admits that she's just excited to have a job. She must remember how rough the Depression was.
So, one bright and dewy morning, the kids prepare to meet their new boss, Calvin. But, the house is oddly quiet and calm. There's a bit of panic as the roommates realize that Teck is nowhere to be found. Everyone suspects the worst of the self-proclaimed womanizer. Colin shows that he has a budding career as an assistant principal when he scolds, "Tardiness is unacceptable to me!"
The kids walk and walk and walk. Darlings, I wasn't sure they were going to make it to their meeting at all, since they professed to suffer so much. But, they struggle through the door, a little late, but essentially unharmed. Who do they see? I'll let you guess, sweeties. Never mind, it 's Teck, looking as chipper as a squirrel in a walnut tree. But, now Teck is selfish by being on time, according to Colin. Finicky, finicky.
In the "Spirit of Aloha", Calvin forgives the mix-up, and gives the cast a briefing on the requirements and perks of the job. They'll have to find talent to perform at the venue, advertise, and bring as many warm bodies into the surf shop as they possibly can. They also get their own car. Mes amis, let us now bid a teary adieu to the last possible vestige of reality on this program.
With the memory of their recent Waikiki Death March still fresh in their minds, the Real Worlders are jubilant that they have their own set of wheels. However, the automobile soon becomes a sore point. First, Matt subjects everyone to his singing. Then, Teck takes the car out to do some manly banking and doesn't bring it back for an hour and a half. Justin, who is next in line to use the car, pages Teck and tells him he is "out of line". Teck resents not being addressed as a manly man and he lets Justin know it in his manliest manner. But, no hard feelings, of course. Those come later.
Ruthie uses her local connections to scare up some talent for the free concert, the kids whip up some flyers, and the systems are go. Each cast member must use his or her charms to distract the dazed-looking college students . Amaya and the Twins teeter on a skateboard like newborn calves. Teck banters with the young lasses, while Kaia issues invitations to "see her" to any guy she can chase down. So far, she has kept her shirt on during work hours, but I was afraid that that was going to end in a hurry.
Somehow, an audience assembles for the song stylings of a band called "3,2,1". Their first song is a Christian ditty called "Everybody". Most everyone seems ok with this little weird turn of events, except the Jewish and agnostic Amaya (I'm not sure what beliefs the Twins hold). What the folks at the surf shop might not understand is that once they let this upbeat girl group warble about Jesus, their next guest could be Stryper, or even Sandi Patti. You gotta be careful, folks.
The night is a big success, and the kids make a whopping hundred bucks. How will they each going to spend their windfall of fourteen smackeroos? Pineapple lip gloss? A little fuel for that beast of a car? Pasties? Stay tuned, my sweets.
Who's Shirtless This Week?
Most Annoying Character?
Next Week: Girl Trouble! Kaia and Ruthie get to know each other, but Amaya and the Twins just want to go home.
©1999 by Randy Shandis Enterprises. All rights reserved.