Mrs Filthy's Real World Report


First aired: June 8, 1999

The topic: Oh, so this is how they pick them.

The real drama doesn't begin until next week, but MTV has thrown us poor pups a bone by showing this "Real World/ Road Rules Casting Special". It is indeed a meager and meatless bone. If you were hoping to learn something about the upcoming season, you might as well break out the facial tissues of disappointment right now, because the hour was actually quite opaque.

Here's the set-up, gang. Four perky Real World Rejects guide us through the homemade videos, interviews, confessions, and round table discussions that precede making it into the Ikea-furnished Fishbowl. We gullible viewers supposedly learn what MTV looks for in a good Real Worlder or Road Ruler. Does she cry a lot? Will he start a fight? If so, they belong on television!

All of those callow striplings who profess an avid desire for "a fat pad" in Hawaii (and there were quite a few who used those exact words) have to endure a grueling selection process. The first step is the video or open audition. I was shocked at the poor quality of the videos, but I did learn a few things, and I will pass them on to you, as a public service. First, no matter how much of a hold the boogie bug has on your bootie, do not dance for the camera. Also, do not kiss the camera; you might be surprised to know how few people want to get that close to your mouth. Finally, keep all ornery pets out of the vicinity. I say this to protect you and the animals.

Oh, and if you get thrown into jail, they won't let you on the show, either.

But, if you get past this step, I cannot protect you against the Real World casting department (hereafter referred to as The Wicked Puppetmasters). Evidently, it's almost a point of pride among the casting department that most of the applicants cry in the interviews. Just like the bully chickens picking on the weak chickens, Mr. Kunitz and his goateed henchman Jason (the backstabbing poet from the Boston season) relish those little vulnerable spots that only emerge after intense emotional battery. If you like your family, then they will gleefully tear you away from its cozy bosom. If you are willing to stand up for yourself, they will make sure that you experience confrontations aplenty. If you have never lived among white people, they will surround you with honkies. They are out to change the lives of their young charges, and maybe not always for the better. While they claim that this social engineering is for the sake of diversity, they also cannot deny that the resulting conflict draws slap-hungry viewers.

So, after repeated interviews, the Wicked Puppetmasters eventually narrow the field, and if you have done any research at all, you probably know who the chosen ones are, but I will provide a brief rundown. Matt is the cocky one who enjoys pushing buttons. Ruthie was a shy foster child who managed to pull herself up by her bootstraps and become a boot-wearing party animal. Kaia is the Annie Potts lookalike who intimidates all with her intensity and lack of humor. Justin attended a commie kiddie college. Teck chatters and noodles on a keyboard. Amaya is a bad, bad sorority girl who is seen flirting with a tubby, middle-aged man. Colin is the "reject" who made good.

Of course, by the end of the show, the producers still haven't revealed who will attain the status of Real Worlder, except for young Master Colin. Oh no, the Wicked Puppetmasters want you to tune in again and again and again. They will not rest until they can pull heartlessly at all of our strings.

Want to tell Mrs. Filthy something?

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©1999 by Randy Shandis Enterprises. All rights reserved.