Mrs Filthy's "Battle of the Seasons" Review


May 13, 2002

Yet More Miz

You'd think that after his humiliating meltdown a few episodes ago, the Miz would tone down his chest-thumping antics. But non! Before you can say, "figure four leg-lock," Mike releases his alter-ego to prowl ominously around the Road Rules villa. However, the Road Rulers are anything but impressed; Timmy admonishes the Miz, "Ross Perot wants his accent and the word 'ninny' back!"

Well, the Miz is about to have his day in the sun, mes amis. The penultimate challenge is called "Fight Night," and involves a wrestling ring full of soap suds, two jumbo corsets and plenty of sweaty, grunting struggles. "This is not your daddy's wrestling," our host Mark advises; why, isn't this how our pioneer ancestors did the laundry? Mike/Miz, despite the injunction against kicking and scratching, feels confident of victory, or at least of his opponent's decapitation. Either one would be just fine, evidently.

"Fight Night" is an example of the age-old, noble sport of "Siamese Wrestling" (in Siam, they called it "Burmese Wrestling."). Teammates are wrapped together like a twin-pack of Twinkies and then wrestle with another twosome, relying on sheer bulk and the slippery floor to pin their opponents' shoulders to the ground. Mike/Coral and Theo/Holly are the first match of the evening.

Alas, alack, the competition soon devolves from good, clean fun to medical emergency. While the guys wriggle and grapple, the girls protest. "I just had an elbow in my ear!" Holly shouts indignantly. Somebody got banged up in a wrestling match? Incroyable! Then the corsets soon change shape to become "death belts." Coral, although supposedly short of breath, is just able to vociferously express her displeasure, "I'm not even joking. I've got vital organs here!" What a lightweight, darlings! Victorian ladies endured that sort of constriction every day, and no one ever heard them complain. Mostly, that was because they fainted all the time.

This first match ends in a stalemate, but Holly is reluctant to return to the ring. Instead, she tearfully calls her hubby Chadwick and laments her terrible fate and the injustice of the universe. Wasn't this game supposed to be fun? Wasn't her life supposed to be free of all obstacles such as "psycho-boys?" If there was a prize for pouting, Holly would've been the gold-medal champion.

Funny, the other contestants don't seem to be suffering nearly this much. Timmy and Emily pin Sean and Elka in less time than it takes me to type this sentence. Dan/Tara and Danny/Kelley are the next match; the two Dans do all the work, while the ladies sit back and buff their nails. Mike sees these matches and re-evaluates all his Miz-ing. He sees that his competitive streak has sapped the joie de vivre from the game. "Fun has left the building," he declares.

Holly is still off by herself, weeping quietly in what she hopes is a fetching, yet heart-tugging, way. Her partner Theo, who still wants to win the game, tells her of Mike's sudden change of heart. Do "psycho-boys" apologize and promise to play nice? In this universe they do, and that's good enough for Holly.

And mostly, the Miz behaves himself, except for a wee mooning episode. Everybody else laughs with relief at yet another emotional blowout avoided. This heartwarming conclusion does nothing to bring the Miz and his consort Coco Loco victory, though; indeed, after what seems like days of writhing around in Palmolive, or some such liquid, the two teams have to declare a draw. But, the important thing is that Holly finally shut up.

Emily and Timmy are the winners of "Fight Night," and Timmy is just thrilled with his whitewater rafting prize. Beware his victory snot, dearies! And now that this competition is over, Mark and Eric can name the "ultimate team" from each side- the team in the running for the big prize. Sean/ Elka are the Real World "ultimate team," and Theo/ Holly are the front-runners from the Road Rules contingent. Who will walk away with the "special bonus prize?" We're just a few short minutes from the blissful end of this thing, my friends.

Next Week: Finally, the finale.

Want to tell Mrs. Filthy something?

This Week, Mrs. Filthy's Reading:

Double Indemnity by James M. Cain