April 24, 2001
This week's episode tests what young people will do for 10,000 dollars. Are they willing to take it all off in public? Are they willing to writhe on the floor in unflattering makeup? Most importantly, will they make legions of spectators sick to their stomachs? I think we all know the answer to that one, honeybunches.
The kids travel to the world-famous Kit Kat Club in Berlin for the challenge. Well, anyway, they said it was famous. I asked Lorraine at Hancock Fabrics if she ever heard of the Kit Kat Club, and she asked if it was anything like the "It'll Do Lounge" out on the freeway. Judging from the hijinks shown here, I'd say the Kit Kat Club is a bit more colorful. But that's not to say that they don't have early morning Bloody Mary specials.
A tall beak-nosed transvestite ("actually an attractive woman" according to Kameelah) meets up with the gang and gives them their assignment. Wearing a tall blue wig and horns, Gloria Viagra resembles nothing so much as Babe the Big Blue Ox. Where's Mr. Bunyan, mes amis? Since this is the Kit Kat Club, he's probably flogging the dwarves out back, or something like that.
Anyway, Ms. Viagra tells the teams that the contest is a "famous couple fashion show," but fetish-style. This means not only do the contestants have to dig into history to find a famous couple, but then they have to mix some other kinky theme into it: leather, bondage, Precious Moments figurines, whatever. We're talking thematic chaos, my dears, a big subcultural mess.
I'm sure you can feel your stomach turning already, darlings, and I sympathize. But you're not alone; Julie's a bit nervous, to say the least, about mixing lipstick and leather with the Latter Day Saints. It doesn't help when some fellows in the faith choose fish and chips over Julie's company because she was kicked out of BYU. Heck, I'd take fish and chips over Julie any day! Jamie tries to console her with some frat-house philosophical dribblings, but yon Mormon maid is not buying it.
Julie worries what her father will think when he sees what Daddy's Little Tramp is up to. (We know what he'll think, mes amis! He'll think she's going straight to hell!) Julie is also a little grossed out. Syrus tries to tell her that it won't be repulsive, and anyway, if it is repulsive, "It ain't nothing you can't walk away from." Or, run away from, as the case may be. One positive note: when Julie is unsure of herself, she's a lot quieter.
The Road Rules team knows all about Julie's repressive background, and they imagine that they have this baby all tied up. Speaking of which, they'd probably be willing to be tied up, if only it would guarantee them the win. It's been eons and eons since their last victory, and the Road Rulers are desperate, to say the least. Laterrian promises that the "vibe" of his team's efforts will be "pure, unadulterated, all-out, buck naked sex," and Susie vows, "If it would mean beating Julie, I will get naked."
The teams sort into couples and go shopping for various accoutrements: fake nipples, colorful wigs, riding crops and the like. Jamie's a bit more optimistic about Julie's performance, since he's lived with her and witnessed her sex drive "busting at the seams." Or, wait, is that her hips? Anyway, it all comes down to which is stronger, Julie's beliefs or her hormones.
The challenge itself is like a game of "Truth or Dare," with the kids calculating exactly how far they would have to go to win the most points for their teams. No one would just suck Dan's toes for the fun of it, for heaven's sakes. The Road Rules team features Christian and Laterrian playing Adam and Eve, James and Emily playing Bill Clinton and Monica Lewinsky and Michelle and Susie playing Santa and Mrs. Claus. There's plenty of slobbering and bad rhymes, but the fetish in each skit was difficult to figure out.
The Real World team features Dan and Syrus as Siegfried and a tiger, Kameelah and Rebecca as Marge and Homer Simpson and Jamie and Julie as John and Lorena Bobbitt. The skits here aren't really any easier to sit through; Kameelah and Rebecca eschew sexiness for "creativity" (big mistake, ma cherie), and the connection between the military and the Bobbitts is tenuous at best. But, the judges like the Real World's performances the best and they get the big cardboard check.
So, the Road Rules team is even more behind than ever, but at least the Winnebago Waifs have gotten to know each other better. They've painted the American flag on each other's butts! James tells Laterrian "You have one of the biggest things I've ever seen!" Ok, my chickadees, sometimes it's possible to know too much about someone.
And Julie does her team proud with her hip boots and martial barking, even if she's just humiliated her family and community. Once again, she learns a valuable lesson about experience and feelings and all that other stuff she likes to talk about all the time. Me, I'm distracted by her zingy feathered 'do. "I don't need to be in Utah!" Julie exults. Oui, and you just made Baby Jesus cry.
Who's Topless: Dearies, it might be easier to ask who's NOT topless this week. It's one thing to see all the guys without shirts, but even Michelle and Susie get in on the act, briefly. That Susie really wants to pay off her college debt!
Who Cries? I did. Buckets.
Best Quote: Emily tells James, "I'll never forget painting your butt." Now that's friendship! The runner-up is dunderheaded Jamie when he explains that sex play is not "kosher" with Julie's Mormon beliefs.
Most Annoying: Sure, Julie is the emotional mess this week, but Jamie takes the title with his smug counsel. Sensei, my big fat fanny.
Next Week: Oooo, scary.