April 23, 2002
There's no denying that Tonya has it rough, mes amis. She has no money and no family. What she does have are faulty kidneys and mammoth medical bills. Tonya, who takes a second job waitressing at a local eatery, notes that she has to work harder than the other housemates in order to survive. Of course, compared to layabouts like Aneesa and Cara, that's not saying much. There's no denying that Tonya has problems, but it doesn't make her any more likable, either.
One sunny afternoon, Tonya and Aneesa compare childhoods. Tonya resents the callous treatment she received as a foster child. No one ever believed her about her illness or attempted to find medical treatment for her. On the other hand, Aneesa has had to suffer the onerous burden of getting everything she ever wanted. Talk about rough! Aneesa vows that she'll someday stop being such a spoiled brat, "It's my turn to be the adult that I've been claiming to be."
Not yet, darlings! Adulthood is just too much of a cross to bear if it includes doing a sinkful of dishes. Keeping in mind her mental age, Theo attempts to ground Aneesa, but she's soon off gallivanting with her androgynous crowd. Instead, Cara tackles the kitchen mess saying, "That's ok. I'll do them. She'll do them next time!" What, and ruin Cara's campaign for martyrdom? Aneesa wouldn't dare!
(An interesting side note- Kyle says that he wants to see the angry, and presumably naked side of Cara. He threatens to burn all her clothes. Cara, looking nothing but pleased at this proposition, replies that this would definitely make her "feisty." Rowr!)
That night, Tonya passes a kidney stone. Or, maybe it's a clot? Or a chunk of tissue? Even after being passed around the house in a bizarre game of "Kidney, kidney, who's got the kidney?" the roommates aren't sure. But, mes amis, it looks painful and bloody enough to require medical attention. Tonya balks at first, hoping to avoid more medical bills.
When Tonya can endure the pain no longer, Kyle, Keri and Cara take her to the hospital, where they're treated to an even more abrasive-than-usual Tonya. She harangues doctors and roommates with equal aplomb! Still, her roommates remain concerned about her, perhaps realizing for the first time that Tonya, while no barrel of monkeys, is not a malingerer.
The Wicker Park townhouse is transformed into a massive pity party. Even Theo, no big Tonya fan himself, writes a nice letter to the bedridden girl. Kyle remarks that if he were ill, he'd have lots of friends and families visiting him. Who does Tonya have? Naught but her self-absorbed reality tv housemates- it's tres sad!
"So, where's Aneesa?" Tonya asks, upon seeing the other housemates. Good question, dearies! When the others recommend a bedside visit to Tonya, Aneesa replies flippantly, "I hate hospitals." She has no problem admitting that she does not like Tonya, and all the pressure in the world will not make her do the decent thing before she's ready. If Aneesa had her druthers, she would be nowhere near that hospital, that's for sure.
But duty calls, and her housemates finally pressure her to visit Tonya. It's not an entirely satisfying visit, my sweets. Aneesa finds Tonya "cold" and "unwelcoming," not to mention sick! Tonya is still wary of Aneesa's motives. And on the ride home from the hospital, she exults that "barrel of sunshine" Cara calls Aneesa "lazy" and "selfish." "I was the first to say that!" Tonya proclaims, feeling justified at last. Aneesa and Tonya eventually discuss their hurt feelings, but frankly, I'm not confident that either of them ever "overcomed" their differences.
Who's Topless? Theo makes mischief in nothing but a stylish choker, while Tonya is so racked with pain that she neglects to fully dress herself.
Who Cries? Tonya has plenty to cry over, dearies- if it's not her kidneys, it's the high cost of medical care.
Most Annoying: It's obvious that Aneesa would be an unbearable housemate. Somehow, she manages to be more immature than all the other housemates put together. She's also pretty darn defensive about being called "slow."
Best Quote: "I'm scared. I'm peeing blood. I'm 21." The slogan of a generation!
Next Week: How ever will Tonya pay off 10K in medical bills? Selling naked pictures of Aneesa on the Internet?
April 22, 2002
El Gringo Loco
Well, I must admit, dearies, that the premise of this week's competition doesn't exactly sound promising. Twelve kids stand in one spot for 4 hours, watching ice melt. And for what? Another silly old Saturn! Methinks the prizes and rewards committee for the Challenge is stuck in a automobile-sized rut, darlings!
The rules are simple enough. Contestants must keep one hand on an automotively inspired ice sculpture at all times. As time passes, the kids have to put two hands, then two hands and a foot, flat on the ice. To make things even more interesting, thuglike referees patrol the grounds, looking for the slightest reason to break some Americano kneecaps.
No one wants the humiliation of being the first drop-outs, right? Wrong. Danny and Kelley, thoroughly unimpressed with the contest's prize, don't even last an hour before heading to the bar. I guess, mes amis, they prefer their humiliation mixed with rum and garnished with a little paper umbrella.
Just about everyone else, however, feels he has something to prove. After all, darlings, Theo/Holly and Sean/Elka have walked away with most of the Challenge's petrol-powered knickknacks. Most of the teams have won nary a thing, which must be murder on the old self-esteem. And Theo/Holly definitely seem like the team to beat; Sean and Elka won a car last week, for heaven's sake. How motivated can they be?
Theo is really going for it, even refusing to switch the hand he keeps on the ice. He treats his opponents to a running commentary on the status of his frostbitten hand. "It's not purple, it's mauve," he announces. But, for all of Theo's heroic efforts, Holly disqualifies her team by positioning her tender little mitt over a crack in the ice. Cheating? Or is it something more supernatural? Coral proposes the latter, "She melted the ice with her evil witch hands!"
Everyone is glad to see Theo and Holly go, and the remaining teams set out to prove their mettle. Timmy pees in front of everyone, and Emily doesn't flee! "I'm willing to stand in his urine, if I can win a Saturn," she says. This is serious, dearies! But even that is not enough. Soon, the remaining teams are Dan/Tara and Mike/Coral.
But the vulture-like referees circle closer and notice that Mike's toe isn't entirely on the ice. Dan and Tara win the silly old cars, but meanwhile, something much more interesting is occurring: Mike is getting blitzed! Having just celebrated his 21st birthday, Mike is flouting not legal limits, but commonsense ones.
Mike seems to be taking his defeat especially hard. Even Coral, who really wanted to win something, anything, realizes that Mike's toe, like his brain, was too numb to know better. "He didn't wiggle his toes for 'funsies'," she allows. But Mike, wasted on cheap rum and exotic fruit juices, is reduced to slurring, "Second is the first loser!" and hitting the offensive ice sculpture with a hammer. By gum, the ice sculpture "sucks ass!" He experiences only brief moments of lucidity, such as when he calls Kelley "Pippi Longstocking."
Indeed, my chickadees, Mike's rage and bruised self-esteem has unleashed that most feared of characters, the Miz. The Miz is Mike's alternate personality, a deranged, hyper-aggressive professional wrestler, and this time, instead of annoying the rest of the world, the Miz is out to get Mike. It's a B horror movie come to life, but louder! And scarier!
The Miz and Mike hold long, degrading tete a tetes before the bathroom mirror. The Miz breaks Mike's CD player. The Miz makes Mike hit his head on a pole several times and calls Mike's secret lady-love Tara a "bitch." Before the other castmates know it, the Miz is on a rampage in the Mexican countryside, scampering and bellowing like a hungry ape. This cannot be good for U.S.-Mexican relations, my dears!
Next Week: More Miz!
Want to tell Mrs. Filthy something?