April 22, 2002
El Gringo Loco
Well, I must admit, dearies, that the premise of this week's competition doesn't exactly sound promising. Twelve kids stand in one spot for 4 hours, watching ice melt. And for what? Another silly old Saturn! Methinks the prizes and rewards committee for the Challenge is stuck in a automobile-sized rut, darlings!
The rules are simple enough. Contestants must keep one hand on an automotively inspired ice sculpture at all times. As time passes, the kids have to put two hands, then two hands and a foot, flat on the ice. To make things even more interesting, thuglike referees patrol the grounds, looking for the slightest reason to break some Americano kneecaps.
No one wants the humiliation of being the first drop-outs, right? Wrong. Danny and Kelley, thoroughly unimpressed with the contest's prize, don't even last an hour before heading to the bar. I guess, mes amis, they prefer their humiliation mixed with rum and garnished with a little paper umbrella.
Just about everyone else, however, feels he has something to prove. After all, darlings, Theo/Holly and Sean/Elka have walked away with most of the Challenge's petrol-powered knickknacks. Most of the teams have won nary a thing, which must be murder on the old self-esteem. And Theo/Holly definitely seem like the team to beat; Sean and Elka won a car last week, for heaven's sake. How motivated can they be?
Theo is really going for it, even refusing to switch the hand he keeps on the ice. He treats his opponents to a running commentary on the status of his frostbitten hand. "It's not purple, it's mauve," he announces. But, for all of Theo's heroic efforts, Holly disqualifies her team by positioning her tender little mitt over a crack in the ice. Cheating? Or is it something more supernatural? Coral proposes the latter, "She melted the ice with her evil witch hands!"
Everyone is glad to see Theo and Holly go, and the remaining teams set out to prove their mettle. Timmy pees in front of everyone, and Emily doesn't flee! "I'm willing to stand in his urine, if I can win a Saturn," she says. This is serious, dearies! But even that is not enough. Soon, the remaining teams are Dan/Tara and Mike/Coral.
But the vulture-like referees circle closer and notice that Mike's toe isn't entirely on the ice. Dan and Tara win the silly old cars, but meanwhile, something much more interesting is occurring: Mike is getting blitzed! Having just celebrated his 21st birthday, Mike is flouting not legal limits, but commonsense ones.
Mike seems to be taking his defeat especially hard. Even Coral, who really wanted to win something, anything, realizes that Mike's toe, like his brain, was too numb to know better. "He didn't wiggle his toes for 'funsies'," she allows. But Mike, wasted on cheap rum and exotic fruit juices, is reduced to slurring, "Second is the first loser!" and hitting the offensive ice sculpture with a hammer. By gum, the ice sculpture "sucks ass!" He experiences only brief moments of lucidity, such as when he calls Kelley "Pippi Longstocking."
Indeed, my chickadees, Mike's rage and bruised self-esteem has unleashed that most feared of characters, the Miz. The Miz is Mike's alternate personality, a deranged, hyper-aggressive professional wrestler, and this time, instead of annoying the rest of the world, the Miz is out to get Mike. It's a B horror movie come to life, but louder! And scarier!
The Miz and Mike hold long, degrading tete a tetes before the bathroom mirror. The Miz breaks Mike's CD player. The Miz makes Mike hit his head on a pole several times and calls Mike's secret lady-love Tara a "bitch." Before the other castmates know it, the Miz is on a rampage in the Mexican countryside, scampering and bellowing like a hungry ape. This cannot be good for U.S.-Mexican relations, my dears!
Next Week: More Miz!
Want to tell Mrs. Filthy something?