Mrs Filthy's "Battle of the Seasons" Review


April 8, 2002

All Penned Up

Now that the final six teams remain, does that mean that all the backstabbing has come to an end? Is it indeed "all about the money," as Elka so naively says? It almost begins to look that way, dearies. The Road Rules women perform some sort of alarming Jazzercise ritual showing their unity, as well as their jiggly underarms. Tara says that the Road Rulers are tired of the machinations, but how weary can they be? They're flapping around like peeved bats, for heaven's sake!

Holly, for her part, seems to be healing after being rudely torn away from her coochie-coo soulmate Chadwick. She makes sure that everyone knows just how magnanimous she is by forgiving Emily. You see, darlings, in Holly's universe, Emily masterminded the whole alliance plot, and Holly was just an innocent bystander, deprived of her nuptial bliss. In Holly's world, Emily is a self-delusional, interpretive dancing, lying, pathetic cheat, and Holly is an angel-in-training.

I can't say that I see much difference in their past behavior, except that Holly refers to God as "The Big Guy." If I were God, I would strike her with lightning just for that. But, the Road Rulers, for a short time anyway, seem to believe that their team is on the mend. Silver-tongued Theo remarks that this is the first week since Chadwick left that Holly has laughed, "like her teeth are having seizures." And he means that in a nice way, mes amis!

I feel obliged to tell you that the mission this week involves sad, skinny little bovines harassed into compliance by the impatient and inexperienced cast members. The calves are forced to wear Chili's bandannas, as if to say, "Hooray! I'm going to end up as a dish fit to be accompanied by an Awesome Blossom!" And, if that particular indignity wasn't enough for the calves, these snot-nosed kids cuss and scream "Hyah!" at them.

Some of the kids are better "Hyah"-yellers than others. Holly and Theo, for example don't have any idea about how to pen the cattle; Theo is so misguided that he admits, "It'd be a lot easier to chase one of these things on a snowboard!" I was having a hard time visualizing a snowboard in a dusty Mexican rodeo stadium, but Theo is nothing if not experimental, at least verbally.

Emily and Timmy fare much better, and they seem to be the team to beat. That is, however, until lumberjack Sean and Elka happen on the scene. Suddenly, this whole cattle-penning operation seems much easier. Even novice Danny, who has only ridden a horse once in his life, can muster a respectable time, one second behind the victors.

All this pastoral bliss, however, is mere distraction from subsequent events at the local Internet Café. Emily and Timmy both receive a poison pen email from none other than Chadwick, who is obviously stressed without the baby-talking distraction of his wife. Chadwick has made it clear that he blames Emily and Timmy for sending him home. He's also made it clear that he's bitter, self-involved and has far too much time on his hands.

The news of Chadwick's nasty note quickly makes the rounds of both the Road Rules and the Real World villas. It seems like the last person on the gossip grapevine is Holly, who is too busy relating her soporific tales of her and Chadwick's romance to one and all. Holly boasts that since she married, she never thinks of herself anymore, but she also remains oblivious to just about everything else- even the goofy faces Coral makes at her!

Once Holly learns of Chadwick's divisive missive, she's all pride and glee- proud that her husband is such a pewling baby, gleeful that her sense of self-righteousness is unsullied. "Some people amaze me with their amount of denial," she meows. Indeed.

Next Week: Parking Lot Rage!

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This Week, Mrs. Filthy's Reading:

Why Moths Hate Edison by Hampton Sides (editor)