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April 2, 2002 Saluting Sgt. Tonya Last time, we left Kyle grooming and primping his cares away. Keri had just told him that their "friendship" was deeply unsatisfying, and Kyle hoped to lose himself in hair gel and aftershave. The fumes from these petroleum by-products, however, seem to inspire all sorts of black and white flashbacks- Kyle and Keri giggling, Kyle and Keri in the hot tub, Kyle and Keri cuddling (or is that kuddling?). For a moment, I thought one of them had perhaps passed on, darlings. There was quite a memorial tone to the whole enterprise! Without the hallucinatory benefits of grooming products, Keri is much more vulnerable. She becomes painfully homesick. "I hate it here There's nothing here for me," Keri moans, and that includes Kyle's fervent rubbing of her shoulder, by gum. It looks like he's trying to build up a major electrical charge on her sleeve; maybe he'll stick a balloon to it, darlings! Anyway, she gets her wish, since she'll leave all this static electricity and moroseness behind to attend her friend's wedding in New Orleans. Now, let me say darlings, Cara is such a helpful roommate. Kyle, in his jaunty bandanna, rolls around on the floor in the name of physical exercise, and Cara (so unselfish! So giving!) decides to help him out. Before you can say "Mother Theresa," Cara is stretched out on top of Kyle, maximizing his push-up potential. Cara does admit, however, that if that darned Keri weren't around, she could see herself sharing a "drunken kiss" with Kyle. Of course, mes amis, a "drunken kiss" for Cara probably translates into a "drunken roll in the hay" for the rest of us. Kyle, warmed by Cara's attention, tells her all about his and Keri's stalemate. Cara sympathizes but hints that Keri might be a tad possessive. Does Keri feel "ownership" of Kyle and his hair styling products? Well, after Kyle receives his "wake-up call" from Cara, he begins to wonder the same thing. Cara lays down the law, "It's gone too far, and you need to do something!" Like be her boyfriend, Kyle! Kyle heeds Cara's hints, and then some. He offers "massages" and booze. He plays with her golden tresses. His shyness and Republican leanings have kept him from meeting girls before, but now they're crawling all over him, evidently. Cara, lubricated by a hefty margarita, tells Kyle that she's hurt that he hasn't rubbed himself all over her, like he does with Keri. They'd "be so good together!" Well, dearies, no rubbing appears to take place just yet. And indeed, Keri comes back to Chicago at just the right time. Keri banishes the "mopey stuff," and Kyle's glad to see her. Kyle immediately tells Keri about Cara's jealousy (this young man cannot keep any confidence!), and she's distanced enough now to say that yes, maybe Kyle and Cara would be good together. "You do have a lot in common," she drawls. Ouch! In the other plot, all the kids on the mural-painting project hate Tonya's guts. And why wouldn't they? She refers to them as "children," even though many of them are at least twice as big as she is. She snaps her fingers at them and screeches at them at every opportunity. Evidently, Tonya feels that she's head of the Children's Mural-Painting Gulag. Theo, who loves hanging out with the whippersnappers, is immediately placed in the role of peacemaker. One of the big boys, a chap named Nelson, would rather risk his life in the street than face more of Tonya's nagging. Indeed, according to Nelson's brother, he's almost moved to physical violence by her finger-wagging tactics. Theo has spoken with this Nelson fellow before, urging him not to "grow up too fast;" he's concerned that Nelson, without guidance, may get into a lot of trouble. But peacemaking doesn't take all of Theo's time. His brothers, Tank and Louis, are in town, and they manage to find a pool party, complete with chicken-fighting chicks in bikinis. Theo has such an "off the hook" time, he sleeps in. Cara and Aneesa also sleep in the next morning, leaving Tonya alone at the Youth Labor Camp. She rapidly loses control of the situation; her only weapon is to threaten to cry. Tonya, in desperation, calls up her sleepy-headed roomies. When Theo, Aneesa and Cara finally arrive, they are chewed out first by their boss Laura, and then by all the little kids who cannot stand their blonde warden one moment more. Theo feels so guilty about his tardiness that he fixes the whole Nelson misunderstanding. Well, anyway, he tells Tonya that she doesn't have to fear Nelson's fists. Tonya doesn't seem to be making any friendly moves toward Nelson, but that would compromise her Kommandant role, wouldn't it, my pets? Who's Topless? Theo's brother, Louis, doesn't even wait for the pool party to disrobe; he has his shirt off in Chicago/ O'Hare. Theo also appears sans chemise, but only in the socially acceptable pool setting. Who Cries? Tough gal Keri actually gives in to her homesickness and bawls, "I want to go home." Is it the allure of New Orleans, or the repellant characteristics of Kyle? Most Annoying: Although she plays a minor role this week (and there are so many annoying people to choose from, dearies!), Cara propositions herself right into the prize. Must she get her grubby little hands on every piece of man-meat? Best Quote: "If someone needs love and attention," affirms Aneesa, "you give it to them." She should be saying, "you give it to me!" Next Week: Cara once again exercises poor judgement.
April 1, 2002 Episode of Doom As soon as the Reality TV All-Stars see the rope ladders strung across the jagged rocks of Cabo San Lucas, their vocabulary is reduced to one syllable words ("Wow." "Yo." "Dude.") and bleeps. Lots of bleeps. Coral, one of the first on the course, tells us that she just wants to "hurry up and get this over with." That's odd, my pets, because I feel the same way. After all, it's hard to get any backbiting done when everyone is strung up to a safety harness. Just to remind you, the "Ladder of Doom" challenge is the last elimination round, and some teams have more to lose than others. The two fourth-place teams, Josh/Holly #2 and Norm/Becky, hope to finagle their way into the inner circle, even if it requires a fellow cast member plummeting to his death. Road Rulers Josh and Holly #2 both perform tres bien, causing Josh to exult, "I'm an animal!" But, the most agile clambering won't get these two monkeys anywhere unless the third-place team, Dan and Tara, fail to complete the mission. And of course, darlings, Real Worlders Norm and Becky don't stand a chance. They're old. Their bones are creaky. Their minds are stuck on "Matlock" reruns. As it turns out, Becky is even slower on the rope ladder than New Orleans' Danny, the guy who practically wets his pants climbing a curb. Norm seems a bit exasperated to have to compensate for Becky's senior-citizen climbing style, but then again, he doesn't do all that much better than she does. It looks like the Real Worlders have lost their elder statesmen, mes amis. So really, the only drama in this competition is waiting for Road Ruler Tara to fall off the ladder. She's afraid of the heights, she's got low self-esteem, she allowed Mike to fondle her - she must be Shark Chow! She and her partner Dan feel that they have the most to lose. But, Tara doesn't have to excel, she just has to finish the course. She takes almost twice as long as fellow castmate Holly #1, but in this world, that's good enough. So, the teams for the rest of the Challenge are pretty much set long before they're announced. Team Real World is composed of Sean/Elka, Mike/Coral and Danny/Kelley. Team Road Rules has Theo/ Holly #1, Timmy/Emily and Dan/Tara. These are the faces we'll be seeing for the rest of the season, my pets. All that's left is to enjoy Theo's creative similes and metaphors and to bid goodbye to the also-rans. Holly #2, while nominally grateful that no one died during the Ladder of Doom, is also greatly disappointed to be a mere "survivor." She's used to being a dominatrix, goshdarnit! Only her partner Josh can calm her ire enough so that she can spout the usual pleasantries about "meeting great people" and "having a great experience." Norm and Becky leave with little ado, other than a brief can-can on stage. Certainly, young whippersnapper Mike isn't all that sorry to see the "grown-ups" go. He rattles on to opponent Theo about the strength of the final Real World team, remembering to get a few digs into Road Rules' voting strategy. Theo doesn't say much, but immediately heads to the gym to sweat out his anxiety. I wonder if he hears his "nerves crashing against (his) skin" again! Next Week: Is Emily the Antichrist? Does she hide little horns in that bed-head hairstyle of hers? Want to tell Mrs. Filthy something?
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