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March 26, 2002 Touchy-Feely Friends The kids prepare to rough it at Kyle's rustic summer cabin in Wisconsin. On the shores of wild Lake Geneva, they'll be forced to wear nothing but scraps of waterproof fabric around their midsections, eat nothing but bratwurst and hamburgers. And then there's the pool party gulag out back. The horror, the horror! Kyle's dilemma last week, of being caught alone with the voracious Keri at the lake, has been solved now that the whole gang has joined the horny couple. But, the housemates-as-camouflage strategy doesn't seem to be working, since everyone (including Cara's dad!) knows about Kyle's and Keri's mutual attraction. Everyone assumes that Kyle and Keri will do a little exploration of their own in this wilderness setting, too. Everyone, that is, except Kyle. There must be at least ten different times during this episode in which we hear, "I really like Keri but I must restrain myself," or something like that. We hear words to this effect almost as many times as we see that goofy-looking fish in the aquarium. I'm getting the feeling, my darlings, that the director has included some sort of secret code; goofy fish equals passive-aggressive denial of pleasure? Is the goofy fish Kyle's misguided conscience? After all, Keri just seems to want to have a good time fondling and drooling over Kyle's naked torso. I have to quibble with her idea of a good time, however. Mes amis, Kyle is about as fun as counting buttons at Hancock Fabrics. Actually, counting buttons is more fun, because at least those come in different shapes, like little blue whales and strawberries. Kyle just broods a lot, over subjects that don't warrant a whole lot of brooding. To help us sympathize with the angst-ridden young man, we're treated to some fuzzy black and white images of Kyle with Keri, Kyle with Nicole. Kyle says his emotions are "scary." Well, according to these flashbacks, they're blurry, too. With all this hardship (nice lake house, two girls, fame and fortune), thank heavens that Kyle has the jacuzzi to comfort him. He certainly won't let Keri comfort him. Nothing scandalous happens in that cabin by the lake, and Keri, who's been really wanting a little scandal, calls Kyle "a confused, confused soul." Once they get back to the Windy City, the physical shenanigans intensify, however. Kyle proclaims that he has a "touchy-feely" friendship with Keri. "And I allow myself that, because no man can restrain himself 24 hours a day." That's really big of him, dearies. And this "touchy-feely friendship" seems to include all sorts of friendly activities. There's lots of smooching and rubbing and even writhing around amongst the bed linens. I imagine playing cards and seeing movies and talking over flavored coffees must fit in there somewhere, but so far, Kyle and Keri's friendship seems to be quite visceral. But, to tell you the truth, pumpkins, the relationship isn't quite visceral enough, if you understand me. Kyle leaves Keri in bed after "many a feel was copped," but he's unwilling to go any farther, even though Keri makes her frustration pretty clear. He won't just stop, either. It seems that he just wants to dip his toes in the water, maybe splash around, but he does not want to go for a swim. When he shares his conflicted feelings with Cara (cameo appearance by a gooey cinnamonster!), she is disgusted by Kyle's self-restraint (or cowardice?). If it was her, she would've "landed the deal" already! It's not Kyle's self-restraint, exactly, that's turning Keri off. She finally tires of Kyle's mixed signals, his reluctance to take responsibility for his actions, his pitiful erection. When she finally tells him that she doesn't want to be his touchy-feely friend anymore, Kyle just tells her she's "being weird." "That makes it much easier," Kyle declares, grateful for the convenience. He's relieved and nonchalant as long as someone else is making the uncomfortable decisions. Uncomfortable decisions would muss his hair, you see. Chris is still seeing that doppelganger Kurt and even brings him up to the lake house, much to the entertainment of the roomies. Aneesa gets all hot and bothered watching the two together; it's like a mirror come to life! And Tonya gets an opportunity to feel smug, "It's interesting to watch two people think they feel the same way Justin and I do about each other," she purrs. Something for everyone, darlings! As much as Chris appears to enjoy Kurt's company over the weekend, however, he's not ready to settle down. When he gets a job in the wittily named establishment "The Crow Bar," Kurt pays a long visit. Chris actually feels a bit smothered by Kurt's watchful eye. So, Chris calls Kurt up and gives the "I've been doing a lot of thinking" speech. He doesn't forget to include the immortal, "It has nothing to do with you," either. Chris might be cliché-ridden, but at least he lets a potential stalker know how he feels. Who's Topless? It's a Real World pool party! All the guys (including potential stalker Kurt) frolic in the pool. The girls are content with bikinis and bras. Who Cries? No one cries this week, so let's just reminisce about Kyle's pained snuffling last week, shall we? Most Annoying: Kyle manages to be both namby-pamby and dishonest, plus he dramatically holds his brow a lot. That's the winning combo, mes amis! Best Quote: Cara accuses Chris of wanting to settle down with his beau Kurt, "You totally want to have a million babies with him!" If that's the case, those adoption agencies are going to be working overtime!
March 25, 2002 Darlings, "Battle of the Seasons" is re-visiting the first two machination-heavy episodes this week, just in case MTV isn't providing you with enough reruns. A new episode will air next Monday. I know Seattle Stephen was voted off the show ages ago. I also know that many of you will already be familiar with the following news. Still, without a new episode to review, I feel I ought to pass this petite tidbit along for those who haven't heard. According to The Smoking Gun (http://www.thesmokinggun.com/doc_o_day/rwsteve1.shtml), Mr. Anger Management is in trouble with the law in LA. Not only did he take a car without the owner's permission, he also had a warrant for failure to appear in court. Oh, and he didn't ditch the judicial system for something as measly as a traffic ticket or a barroom brawl. It seems that the young man has some misdemeanor prostitution charges on his record. Certainly, that's pretty disturbing, but I find it more disturbing that Stephen chose to run off in a Camry! Talk about grandpa cars! If he was going to break the law anyway, couldn't he have chosen a zippier ride? Want to tell Mrs. Filthy something?
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